July 28, 2012

Romney in Israel: “Governments Should Spend Like Jews”

- July 28, 2012 -

A mere 48 hours after impressing London residents in a manner unmatched by a foreign dignitary since renowned German aerospace engineer Wernher von Braun shared with them his love of rocketry some seventy years ago, former Massachusetts governor and one-time presidential candidate Mitt Romney brought his three-nation ‘Barnstormer of Charm’ tour to Israel Saturday. And speaking at an international economic symposium at Tel Aviv University, he delivered remarks many experts agree may even overshadow his Olympic performance.

Sharing his views on current global economic conditions, most notably the Eurozone crisis and the slow rate of recovery in the United States, an uncharacteristically emotional Romney whipped the crowd into a frenzy when he concluded his remarks by offering his solution while simultaneously paying his own unique form of tribute to his audience’s heritage.

“For far too long, liberal and socialist policies have led not only to increased dependence on government, but also to unsustainable budget deficits,” the man many from England now refer to affectionately as the ‘taxation tallywacker’ lectured. “Governments have been spending money like they’re drunken sailors when they should be spending like they’re Jews.”

So impressed was the Sabbath day crowd in attendance that immediately following the speech, calls went out to prestigious academic fraternity Delta Tau Chi to bestow – for the first time upon a Mormon on Israeli soil – its highest honor, “The Goy Clip”, a ritual form of retaliatory circumcision.

Reaction in the United States was not only overwhelmingly positive, but also unusually bipartisan.

Conservative radio personality and amateur pharmacist Rush Limbaugh was quick to praise Romney’s statesmanship.

“He not only sent a message to the rest of the world about the importance of getting their fiscal houses in order,” the porcine pill-popper gushed, “but he also made it clear to our key ally in the region that even though the United States is a Christian nation, we nonetheless appreciate many of the positive aspects of their Jewness.”

Pueblo State University professor Newton Toomey, a former aide to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton who was recently pressured by Congressional Republicans to resign after being heard on a wiretapped phone conversation uttering the words ‘Muslim Brotherhood’, also praised Romney for “forever improving future relations with Israel by ensuring their leaders will be much more receptive to dealing with an American President who has ‘Hussein’ in his name.”

© 2012 The Desperate Blogger. This article is reproduced by permission of the author. All rights reserved.

July 4, 2012

BREAKING: Romney Selects Florida’s West as Running Mate

SATIRE

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Willard ‘Mitt’ Romney stunned the political establishment and left pundits scrambling for their notes this morning when he announced his choice of freshman Florida Congressman Allen West to round out the GOP ticket. If Romney is elected, West would become the first African American and only the third paranoid schizophrenic to hold the office of Vice President of the United States.

Making his first public appearance with a black man, Romney praised West’s “… keen understanding of the vital issues we face born from a distinguished career in service to our country,” before noting, “And look at him — his hair is just the right length.”

Speaking to reporters gathered at his family vacation compound in the tony New Hampshire enclave of Lake Weepissondappor, the former Massachusetts Governor and Prep School ‘prankster’ quickly dismissed the notion that race played a factor in his decision:

“Allen understands, as I do, the empirical threat to the United States posed by the Soviet Union and will work with me in continuing the good work he has already begun to root out Communists in Congress as well as other areas of government. He also understands – as he discussed with voters just yesterday – that the economic policies pursued by President Obama will ultimately lead to government enslavement of the American worker – something we firmly believe is better left to the private sector.”

West, a Tea Party favorite sure to solidify support for Romney among African American fascists, was not on most experts’ ‘Veepstakes’ radar despite being touted for the post by the likes of Herman Cain, South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley, and former Miss Alaska runner-up Sarah Palin. Last April, Palin told her Fox News colleague Sean Hannity, “I love that he has military experience – 20 years and all of it in integrated units… He understands the Constitution. He understands our national foreign policy issues that must be addressed. And for my money, he’s still the best to ever play Batman.”

According to Sterling Lazar, a senior Romney staffer who spoke on condition of anonymity, the GOP standard-bearer only learned who Rep. West was because of a chance meeting about three months ago. As Lazar explained it:

“It was a black-tie fundraiser at the Waldorf-Astoria. Gov. Romney saw a black gentleman in a tux, and naturally assuming he was a waiter, asked him to fetch some water. Congressman West politely explained that he was there as a guest speaker, but joked that as far as the election was concerned, he’d be happy to carry the Governor’s water all the way to the White House. The two bonded instantly. By the end of the evening, Congressman West was calling the Governor ‘Sgt. Cutter’ and the Governor was calling him ‘Gunga Bro’. As the Governor once told me, it’s hard to understand the closeness and comfort level the two men share unless you’ve seen ‘The Help’.”

Conservative pundits were quick to praise Romney’s decision. Syndicated radio host and renowned amateur pharmacist Rush Limbaugh echoed the sentiments of many when he asked, “What better way to highlight the difference between the candidates than to put a native-born, non-Muslim black man on the ticket?”

Calls to Obama campaign headquarters in Chicago were answered only with uncontrollable giggling and the sound of champagne corks popping in the background.

TheDesperateBlogger.com

April 10, 2012

Romney Signs Lucrative Endorsement Deal

SATIRE

Spectrum Brands, makers of the George Foreman Grill®, announced yesterday that they have reached an agreement in principle with former Massachusetts governor and current GOP Presidential front-runner Mitt Romney to endorse their latest small kitchen appliance, The Mitt Romney Waffle-Pro®.

Company spokesman Liam Toomey unveiled a prototype of the new product at a press conference in Scranton, Pennsylvania, where candidate Romney was scheduled to be campaigning for the upcoming Republican primary. “We were expecting the governor to be here,” Toomey told the reporters present, “but apparently he changed his mind at the last minute.”

The press conference featured a demonstration of the Waffle-Pro®, showing off the feature which the manufacturer claims makes this product revolutionary — a ‘reset’ button which allows its top surface to pivot, instantly converting the unit that just produced an attractive but unhealthy snack or breakfast into ‘The Mitt Romney Health-Pro® Vegetable Griller/Steamer’. “We feel that the same versatility which allows this product to instantly address and cater to what would seem on the surface to be diametrically opposed dietary cravings will make it as popular with consumers as its namesake is with moderates,” Toomey noted.

The Mitt Romney Waffle-Pro® is expected to be available in stores August 27 to coincide with the opening of the Republican National Convention in Tampa, Florida. Toomey also announced that Gov. Romney is expected to give “… what should be a memorable — if not historic — nationally televised waffle demonstration the day after the convention.”

more here

April 4, 2012

Jesus Arrested after Capitol Melee

What started out as an historic address by the most prominent religious leader ever to stand before a joint session of Congress descended into chaos yesterday as a visibly irate Jesus Christ, apparently responding to incessant hissing, booing, and heckling from the Republican side of the aisle, leapt from the podium and stormed the House chamber — screaming at the membership and throwing furniture indiscriminately.

Order was finally restored only after what appeared to be a legion of Capitol police finally subdued the religious scholar and philosopher viewed by many as their Lord and Savior.

One witness with perhaps the best vantage point was House Speaker John Boehner, with whom Mr. Christ, upon taking the podium, reportedly quipped, “By any chance are your people from Nubia?” According to The Bronze Clod, “I had a feeling it would be a long evening for our guest when before he uttered a word, (Mississippi Republican) Gregg Harper objected to the Chair recognizing him, insisting that he first lower the hood of his robe in compliance with House rules regarding hats. I’m pretty sure there were also others whose suspicions were aroused when He appeared wearing a hoodie. Frankly, you’d think He would have known better.”

The evening only became more contentious after that.

In His prepared remarks, Jesus (as He told His audience He likes to be called) implored the members of Congress to allow the Bush era tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans to expire as scheduled at the end of the year, close tax loopholes for the wealthiest individuals and most successful corporations, and increase funding for social safety net programs such as food stamps, Medicaid, housing, welfare and unemployment insurance.

This proposal was greeted with boos and jeers from the Republican contingent, with audible comments emanating from their ranks which included, “That’s Socialism”, “Hippie”, and “Get a job — after you take a bath and get a haircut!”

Jesus responded to these outbursts by saying, “A little over 2000 years ago, I suggested to a rich young man that if he wanted to be perfect, he should go and sell what he had, and give to the poor, and he would have treasure in heaven; and he should come and follow me. Over the years, I have realized that nobody — especially nobody in this Chamber — is perfect. But for Christ’s sake — and in this case, that would be Me — we’re only talking about a lousy 4%.”

More Here

March 30, 2012

Jesus to Address Joint Session of Congress

Jesus Christ, the renowned Jewish philosopher and religious scholar viewed by many as their Lord and Savior, will address a nationally televised joint session of the United States Congress this coming Tuesday, April 3, at 8 PM Eastern time.

According to officials, neither the purpose nor subject of Jesus’s historic address will be known in advance. When asked if this most unprecedented appearance is in any way related to a possible pending apocalypse, a representative of the enigmatic church leader cryptically responded, “Does He look Mayan to you?”

The announcement was made following a reportedly heated closed-door session of the Republican Congressional Caucus which was necessitated by a division within its ranks over whether or not to adopt the concurrent resolution necessary to convene a joint session...

More HERE

March 21, 2012

GOP Voting Measures Anger Women’s Groups

SATIRE

Bills currently being considered in 13 state legislatures have several women’s rights groups and prominent civil rights advocates accusing Republicans of attempting to disenfranchise the nation’s female population.

The measures — all very similar in nature — would require female voters to undergo counseling and/or wait at least 24 hours after first visiting the polls before being allowed to cast their ballot.

Opponents describe such legislation as a blatant attempt to prevent women from voting. Supporters claim that no one’s rights would be infringed, and the measures, once enacted, will allow female voters to ‘make more informed decisions’.

Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell, a proponent of a bill currently being debated by the House of Delegates which would require that all women seeking to exercise their right to vote first undergo a brain MRI and then have the results as well as informational material prepared by state legislators read and explained to them before casting their ballot, defended his position telling reporters, “Elections have consequences. They can profoundly affect people’s lives. It is not our intention to discourage anyone from exercising their constitutionally protected rights. Rather, before taking such an important step, we feel it is in the best interests of our Commonwealth that all women seeking to vote be provided with the tools they need to make an informed decision.”

When asked by one reporter why he feels there is a need for women, specifically, to receive state-mandated information before being casting a ballot, the Governor responded, “C’mon — you know how they can be.”

Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus bristled when asked to respond to critics’ accusations that these and similar proposals expected to be introduced in at least 10 other GOP controlled state houses are nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt to discourage women from voting brought about by recent polls...

More HERE

March 18, 2012

EXCLUSIVE VIDEO: Rush Limbaugh’s Radical Roots

In a Desperate Blogger exclusive, we reveal the video that by their very own admission, friends of Rush Limbaugh have been keeping under lock and key.

The existence of this footage has been the subject of widespread speculation on the Internet for many months, and the rumor mill kicked into high gear recently when Mr. Limbaugh let slip to his radio audience that his appetite for pornography — just as for trans fats — is so voracious that he encourages young ‘sluts and prostitutes’ who use prescription birth control to post videos of their sexual encounters online.

Video and more HERE

(Any help on how to embed video on DU would be greatly appreciated...)

March 18th, 2012 | Tags: contraception, Our Gang, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity | Category: Entertainment, Media, Politics, Satire

March 14, 2012

Goldman Sachs Chairman Honors Smith, Introduces New Investment Vehicle

SATIRE

Responding to fallout from a New York Times op-ed piece in which outgoing director Greg Smith described the firm’s environment as “toxic and destructive,” Goldman Sachs chairman Lloyd Blankfein not only publicly praised Mr. Smith while thanking him for his contributions to the firm, but also credited him as the inspiration for Goldman’s newest, and according to Blankfein, “most innovative investment vehicle in many years.”

Disagreeing with Smith’s allegations that Goldman has developed a culture which puts profits ahead of clients’ interests, Blankfein told reporters, “I was of course shocked and saddened when I read Greg’s piece this morning. All I can say is — and his stellar performance might bear this out — I think the poor guy was probably just working too hard. We at Goldman could not agree more with his sentiments as to how we should operate, not only because it’s good business, but because it’s the right thing to do — for our clients as well as for our long-term bottom-line. Remember, we are the one Wall Street firm that takes pride in doing the Lord’s work.”

Mr. Blankfein also used this afternoon’s event at 666 Fifth Avenue to introduce his firm’s latest investment vehicle, claiming it was actually inspired by the outgoing director who this morning blamed the Chairman’s lack of leadership for what he described as a “decline in the firm’s moral fiber”.

“Greg wrote that he always took pride in advising his clients to do what he believed was right for them, even if it made less money for the firm. That is why he was so successful, and in his 12 years with us, became one of our top executive directors. And fortunately for us and our clients, Greg mentored many of our best people.

With that in mind, we have had our most successful analysts scour our ranks seeking out our best and brightest employees who share not only Greg Smith’s ability, but also his values. Our investors deserve only the best, most trustworthy advisors we can provide. And combining this principle with the long-held standard that diversity minimizes risk, we are pleased to announce the creation of a new AAA rated investment vehicle that allows our clients to capitalize on the combined ability of many advisors as opposed to one.

What we have done is taken all of our Greg Smith’s, broken them up into little pieces, and bundled those pieces into what we call ‘Winning Mixture Derivatives’. These WMDs will provide our investors with the security of knowing they own a piece of paper that will track the combined performance of hundreds of our best and brightest, as opposed to just one — eliminating the risk of an underperforming quarter or the uncertainty of having to move your portfolio because some disloyal, ungrateful bastard thinks he’s too good for the firm that made the top 1% of the top 1% who they are today.”

More here.

March 7, 2012

RNC to Suspend Presidential Primaries, Introduce New Logo

March 7th, 2012

A visibly haggard Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus emerged from a closed-door emergency meeting of the RNC’s Executive Council this afternoon and announced to the crowd gathered outside the meeting room the immediate suspension of his party’s 2012 Presidential primaries.

Word of the announcement spread like wildfire as several of the lunchtime throng seated in the main dining room of the Whitewater, Wisconsin Applebee’s realized that the seemingly disoriented individual who had just emerged from the restaurant’s banquet room to disturb their midday meal was no ordinary rambling lunatic, and apparently something important was afoot. While several took to Twitter and Facebook to document their presence at this unprecedented, historic event, another called a local newspaper to suggest they send a reporter.

“I honestly couldn’t believe my luck — this is probably the best scoop I’ll get all year,” said Skippy Fartbuster, editor-in-chief of the Whitewater Central High Weekly Bugle, who took the call.

In a Fartbuster exclusive, Priebus explained RNC strategy going forward:

“In recent weeks, it has become increasingly clear that our chances of reclaiming the White House this election cycle continue to diminish as our primary season — with its ‘scorched earth’ atmosphere — pollutes the political waters beyond reclamation. And as we’re firmly against imposing any regulations to curb this or any other kind of pollution for that matter, we’ve determined that — for the good of the Party — in this case our best move is to ‘throw out the babies with the bathwater’. We will not run a candidate against President Obama. The Executive Council feels — and I concur — that our resources are best employed preserving our majority in state houses and the House of Representatives, and gaining a majority in the Senate, allowing us to keep our momentum at the state level and maintain the current gridlock in Washington to ensure that nothing happens between now and 2016 when we won’t have to face an incumbent. By then, hopefully we can convince more distinguished and electable candidates, such as Paul Ryan, ‘Joe the Plumber’, ‘Jeb the Bush’, or ‘The Husky Hunk’ — Chris Christie — to run. The nation deserves a President who will curb what we see as the runaway trend of rights being exploited by groups such as public employees, women, and minority voters. If we can’t give them one now, then will do all in our power to give them one four years from now.”

More here

March 2, 2012

Romney Campaign Pivots to 'National Home State' Strategy

SATIRE

In a major shift which may come too late to impact next week’s ‘Super Tuesday’ primaries, Republican Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney’s campaign today unveiled the latest strategy which they hope will help their candidate to better connect with the electorate. In addition, they also introduced the newest high-powered addition to their team, former McCain 2008 chief strategist and Woody Harrelson look-alike Steve Schmidt.

According to Pueblo State University political science professor Newton Toomey, the Romney team’s number one priority now must be to slow the momentum of former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum.

“Sen. Santorum is coming up behind Gov. Romney so quickly and seemingly so suddenly that it almost appears as if they’re playing the roles of a priest and a choirboy,” Toomey observed. “And after narrowly defeating the Senator in Michigan —

Rest of article here

March 2nd, 2012 | Tags: Campaign 2012, Michigan Primary, Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Steve Schmidt, Super Tuesday | Category: Politics, Satire