I was sexually harassed for the first time today. Thoughts that have been running through my head.

[F4lconF16]

As the title says, I was harassed earlier today. It's the first time I've had anything more than a few catcalls directed at me. I'm not going to describe much about where and when it happened, as I don't want that information online.

It started when a man about twice my age, give or take a few years, began a conversation with me. He ended up making various comments about my penis, and he eventually mentioned he'd like to give me a blow job. I told him I wasn't interested and changed the subject. That worked for a while, but I ended up going with him to get electrical cords for something from a different room (one not in public view). He was saying something about how he was glad he got to meet me, and then started to give me a hug, which I was kinda trapped into doing. I pulled away quickly, but he still tried to touch me by grabbing my jacket and asking what type of material the inside was, while feeling my upper chest. At that point, I pushed his hand away roughly and stepped back, and headed out of the room. He followed me and made a bit more conversation, but he left soon after that.

Thankfully, it was fairly minor. I don't think that he meant badly (not that that's an excuse) and had I told him to back off more forcefully at first, I think he would have listened. I feel alright, though shaken. There's a few things I've been thinking about.

First, this bothers me a lot more than I thought it would. I'm used to reading about harassment, I have friends who I see endure it on a daily basis, and in all honesty, I expected it to happen at some point, just given the statistics. But I still feel unsettled. I'm not worried about it happening again, and I feel alright, but I'm still a little off. I can't imagine dealing with this every day, and worse.

I also re-learned a feeling that I'd partially forgotten: what it's like to feel scared, and powerless. I'm a big guy, and I've never had problems with feeling physically threatened before. When I'm on the streets at 3:00 in the morning, all it takes is a pissed-off look and a strong stride to avoid any trouble, even with people who want it. But when this guy gave me that hug, I felt utterly helpless. I probably would have been able to easily break his hold if I needed to, but I didn't think about anything more than I was in trouble. Today was also the first time I've ever been worried about being raped. It's gut-churning. I'm slowly feeling better, and smoking a bowl has really helped with the anxiety. There's a lot I understand a bit better right now. Again, I can't imagine what it would feel like not to be in my body, what it would be like to feel that way more often.

Not blaming myself has been surprisingly hard. Despite all the friends I've talked to, the number of essays I've now read about victim blaming and the psychology behind it, almost immediately after it happened I found myself thinking that I should have said something earlier, that I should have done something, made it more obvious than just saying I wasn't interested. That's all bullshit; I didn't do a thing wrong. He shouldn't have come on to me, he shouldn't have done any of it, and it's not my fault. But I feel like it is anyways.

Anyways, that's about it. I wanted to share this because I think it's important for men in situations like mine or who haven't had it directed towards them before to remember that we have no idea. Empathy is good, but fear and guilt and everything else that comes with sexual harassment and assault are hard to really understand without having it happen to you. When we're talking about issues that arise, we need to remember that there is a world of experiences that we're lucky enough not to have to deal with. We need to be aware that our understanding is limited.