three and a half years

[orleans]

since i have seen my mother
laughed with her
talked face to face with her
looked into her eyes - her eyes - she had green eyes
held her hand
touched her soft hair
heard her footsteps through the living room, in the kitchen
cried with her
conspired with her
sang with her
heard her voice (--actually, i did hear her say my name one night. but just my name, nothing else)
made popcorn for her
asked her to make some coffee for me, for us
told her "goodnight. see you in the morning" which she would repeat back to me and either chuckle or smile because she knew it was my way of getting her to promise she would make it through another night.
three and a half years
and my life, of course, has never been the same
and i have not been the same
i lost so much of myself three and a half years ago
and i have had such a hard time tying to find me again.
she was my best friend all through my life
even through my wicked early teen years
and her wicked mid-life crisis years
we were inseparable
until three and a half years ago.
and it's just so incredible for me to think i have gone this long without her in the day-to-day. i'm growing old without her!
i miss the life i had and the person i was and the happiness i felt about my life.
if she, for a second, thought she was becoming irrelevant she knows better now. if she, for a second, thought she wasn't needed or loved she knows better now. i believe she can still see me and hear me. but i can't see or hear her. i believe she is still with me so often but i still can't see or hear her. sometimes i smell what i remember was some combination of her perfume and powder and i smile and just that fast the scent is gone. i'm so glad to have at least that, but... compared to what we had?

i'm sorry--i'm just feeling so low tonight. and lost. and so sad...