The Onion just posted a disturbingly accurate article about 82% of DUers [View all]
Including myself... 
CALDWELL, ID—Calling it a vital part of his daily routine, local man and utterly depraved masochist Richard Petrillo revealed to reporters Friday that he enjoys keeping up with the news.
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“There’s a lot going on these days, and I like to stay on top of things,” Petrillo said of his disturbing desire to follow news stories, including those about the Middle East, the state of the U.S. economy, and the recent activities of the National Security Agency. “With such a wealth of knowledge at our fingertips, it just makes sense to keep abreast of the latest developments.”
(snip)
According to those close to Petrillo, the 36-year-old web designer devotes several hours each week to this vile form of self-abuse. He reportedly indulges his twisted obsession by seeking out news articles and videos on everything from politics and international affairs to health care and the environment—often multiple times a day.
(snip)
Sources confirmed that Petrillo makes no effort whatsoever to conceal his insatiable desire for self-inflicted torment, going so far as to take pride in his familiarity with issues such as America’s distribution of wealth, the latest jobs report, what’s happening in Congress recently, and the nation’s current incarceration rate. In fact, he is reportedly not content with simple masochism, and often spreads the anguish of his knowledge to his fellow citizens.
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http://www.theonion.com/articles/depraved-masochist-enjoys-following-the-news,33849/
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