Moses Supposes Erroneously (Yes, Again) (Ferret)

[TheFerret]

We’ve been living through the stubbornly persistent golden age of conservative bumblefuckery for some time now, but I predict Speaker Johnson’s work in the field will ultimately stand up alongside the greats. Brownback. McCarthy. Reeves. Perhaps even the Dotard himself.

(Makes more sense with th’links: https://showercapblog.com/moses-supposes-erroneously-yes-again/)

Hear me out. Mike has squeezed an impressive amount of fuckup into a young career. More failed rules votes than any majority in half a century? Not just anybody can fuck up that hard, y’know. That’s talent.

He’s starting to figure out that you’re allowed to pull bills before they fail on the floor, which counts as progress, I suppose, but he sure as shit isn’t passing anything.

Well, that’s not entirely fair.  He did finally pin down the one, precise moment in time when his ever-shrinking flock of fuckwits could sneak their Mayorkas impeachment vote through. So the important stuff’s getting done.

The Mayorkas impeachment is perhaps best understood as a taxpayer-funded platform for Marjorie Taylor Greene to bleat from, while Clay Higgins rants about ghost buses and his prophetic wife’s stupid, stupid dreams. They envision all this unfolding as one big, happy campaign ad, and I’m inclined to let them play their hand.

Fuck yes. Show America how the sausage is being made, or not made, by the sofa-humpingest weirdos who ever got kicked out of Arkham Asylum for harshing the vibe.

Like House Intelligence chair Mike Turner, who ran naked through the halls of Congress, pulling fire alarms while hollering about the mine shaft gap. Or how about Moses himself inviting an insurrectionist bigot to play House Chaplain for a day? All while George Santos bangs on the glass, taunting the inmates with his Cameo wealth.

Oh, and Democrat Tom Suozzi flipped the New York third back to the good guys, perhaps explaining the custom EXPEL DEEZ NUTS t-shirt Santos wears in that security footage of him pissing on Anthony D'Esposito’s lawn last night.

I wonder if the House Ethics Committee members tasked with combing through Matt Gaetz’s text messages for evidence of sex trafficking will ever feel clean again? Hey, remember that time that one rapey, proto-fascist loudmouth brought down the Speaker of the House of Representatives? American history. Wild shit.

Anyway, I guess a bunch of House Republicans are retiring, probably because they’re worn out from all that legislative productivity. Golly. Hard t’believe anybody would want off such an awesome train.

Meanwhile, poor, dumb Jimmy Comer’s star witness just got indicted for lying to the FBI. Also this week, the very foundation of Dinesh D’Souza’s donkey documentary proved equally fraudulent. Kinda like when Fox’s entire justification for piping the Big Lie into millions of American households turned out to be the baseless musings of a self-professed “cactus artist.”

And wouldn’t it be awesome if any of that mattered? To the audience that guzzles this crap by the gallon, I mean? No, Fox and co. simply exercise their First Amendment right to completely fucking ignore these stories, and the Gospel According to the Cactus Lady spreads unchecked.

The best thing about Donald Trump in court is the way he always loses. From defaming and terrorizing the woman he raped to the attempted theft of the whole dang executive branch, it’s been consistently therapeutic, watching this human shithole fail.

$453.5 million. Oooooowee. I imagine that stings a little extra when you’ve spent your life artificially inflating your net worth. Actually, there’s a chance this all winds up with E. Jean Carroll battling the State of New York for custody of Lindsey Graham.

(Normally, Lindsey’s groveling would scarcely merit comment, but since he’s betraying what were allegedly core principles these days, I suppose it’s worth stopping to sneer. Y’know what? I bet it’s a huge relief. Like stumbling out of Room 101. )

Realizing the Children of the Candy Corn probably don’t have $453.5 million worth of NFTs left in ‘em, the Dotard installed his Petty-defiling daughter-in-law as official Donation Redirector at the RNC. Addressing her new staff for the first time, Lara Trump explained, “Daddy needs it for his rape bills,” before demanding their wallets, purses, and jewelry.

Anyway, with his first criminal trial set to join the cavalcade of legal faceplants, Off-Brand Orbán took a quiet moment to ogle some high school girls while he still can, just in case the plan to hide out in the Oval Office till the heat dies down falls through.

Actually, there’re a whole lotta plans for the Turd Reich Restored scenario, most of them terrifying. A nationwide abortion ban, of course. Stephen Miller is to receive his own personal, private, immigrant-hunting army, while NATO is to be fed, bite by bite, to Donnie’s pal, Vlad, who was so tickled upon receiving this invitation that he decided to splurge, and murder his most prominent domestic opponent.

That said, you have to admit, the Deep State sure knows how to throw a psyop. That halftime show was football at its satanic best; Taylor Swift expertly transplanting Joe Biden’s brain into Travis Kelce’s young, virile body, laying all age-related concerns to rest once and for all, was almost as much fun as Donald Trump losing another $453.5 million dollars.

..but not quite.

Michigan State Rep. Josh Schriver responded to losing his staff and committee assignments for espousing the white nationalist Great Replacement theory by espousing the white nationalist Great Replacement theory even harder, as hard as his subpar white boy heart could, in fact. It was pretty embarrassing.

Actually, I was flipping through the blueprints for the next Jade Helm stage, and it turns out there was a plan to replace Josh, but nobody was able to find a paperweight quite lumpy enough.

Joe Rogan is platforming something called “AIDS denialism” now, because I guess we’re finding new things to refuse to believe all the time. 1 in 7 likely Republican primary voters demand the public burning of any and all library books containing Galileo’s blasphemous heliocentrism filth, for example.

I’d like to offer Tucker Carlson my heartfelt congratulations on his new post as Putin’s official Ministry of Tourism Spokescuck. Tucker says Moscow is way better than any city in dumb ol’ America, a land of plenty where the woke are hunted for sport.

Hey, why not put all that fish stix money where your mouth is, kid? Lead the MAGA exodus across the sea to this white nationalist paradise, with its science fiction shopping cart technology. Yeah, you get to be Moses now. Last fella didn’t work out. I’m sure Pootie has plenty of jobs for y’all in his growth economy.

So I guess Huma Abedin is dating George Soros’ kid, which hit the MAGA internet like a jackpot after twenty years of pissing paychecks away on the slots. The old ones say their union is destined to produce the libtard Antichrist, who shall do battle with JFK Jr. at the halftime show of next year’s Super Bowl, right after Tay-Tay leaves Travis for a life of unmoist chastity in Ben Shapiro’s harem.

I’ll leave you with that image. For a couple weeks, actually. Gonna take next week off, to celebrate my (yikes) 45th birthday. Yikes.

So consider this the BIRTHDAY BEER GRIFT. Observe the candles adorning the rattling tip jar, yea the very tip jar that now accepts PayPal, Venmo, AND Cash App. Or sign up on ye olde emaile liste at showercapblog.com, or follow @john_luzar on Elon’s toy Titanic. Or do none of those things. Even though it’s my birthday.

(Sadly, it turns out pre-orders for the CEX run of Marguerite vs. the Occupation are not going to be a thing after all. Technical issues beyond my control. I’m told you’ll be able to place orders when the physical books arrive in a few months. I’ll keep you posted. Sorry ‘bout the hassle. I am beyond grateful for your support.)

See you in March! Do stay safe out there, if you’re able…