Armpits, Ketchup, and a Butt, and Other Causes of the Civil War (Ferret)

[TheFerret]

The madness tends t’be mercifully light at the end of the year, as Republicans nurse wounds sustained during family holiday card photo shoots. I certainly don’t intend to look this particular gift horse in the mouth; let’s make it a quick one tonight, and get back to our nogs and mulled ciders.

(As always, links, colors, etc: https://showercapblog.com/armpits-ketchup-and-a-butt-and-other-causes-of-the-civil-war/)

Well, the Colorado Supreme Court and the Maine Secretary of State ruled a certain Manchurian Manchild ineligible for the presidency for his crimes against democracy, fashion, and Perfectly Good Steak. I’m told the crew that stripped his name from that Panama hotel are being brought in to replicate their work on participating states’ primary ballots.

…MAY THEY ROT IN HELL.

Ah, such a warm, inspiring, Christmas message from the undisputed leader of the party o’ family values! Plus, I believe the line about immigrants “poisoning the blood of our country” is a direct quote from Miracle on 34th Street. Or possibly Mein Kampf. I get ‘em confused.

Off-Brand Orbán claims he hasn’t read Hitler’s manifesto, it’s just a zany coincidence that he keeps quoting him on the campaign trail, and who cares anyway, since pluralities of Iowa Republican caucusgoers reported sexual arousal at the prospect of electing a dude who talks like an actual Nazi? No wonder he’s so eager to share word clouds showing voters associate him with “corruption,” “dictatorship,” and “revenge.”

Incidentally, he also denies bullying his way into a cameo in Home Alone 2, (extremely normal human being, our 45th President) but Adam Kinzinger’s claim, that he smells of “armpits, ketchup, and a butt” remains officially unrefuted. Make of that what you will.

Getting trickier to deny the insurrection part, too, as the evidence mounts. Lordy, there are (even more) tapes, of confessed felon Kenneth Chesebro’s testimony about Ron Johnson’s role in the fake elector scheme, and even of the Dotard himself, personally pressuring two Wayne County canvassers not to certify the 2020 election results. Word is Melania’s gag gift, of an orange jumpsuit, did not go over well.   

Riding a wave of momentum that’s landed her in the thick of the race for distant second place in the Republican primary, Nikki Haley fell victim to a wily Biden stratagem wherein a plant from the darkest depths of the Deep State asked her a question off a third grade history test:

“What was the cause of the United States Civil War?”

Yeah, that’s a tricky one, all right…assuming you’re seeking the high priesthood of a white nationalist resentment cult.

Anyhoo, having effortlessly short-circuited the latest “moderate” GOP savior with the approximate equivalent of “name your favorite Founding Father,” Joe celebrated a job well done by inviting Hunter over to the Oval to do cocaine off the Declaration of Independence.

Meanwhile, there’s not enough of Ron DeSantis left to fill a chair.

In a tacit admission that his treacherous, deadbeat ass is incapable of cashing the many, many checks his mouth has written, Rudy Giuliani filed for bankruptcy, unless maybe defamed election workers Shaye Moss and Ruby Freeman would be willing to accept a stack of IOUs, illegibly scrawled, as if by the not-yet-fully-formed hand of an infant, on Mar-a-Lago stationery, for “legal and insurrectionary services rendered?”

You’d think Harlan Crow could spare a couple hundred million for a fellow wingnut scumbag who’s fallen on hard times. Giuliani’s plight shines a harsh light on the issue of income inequality on the authoritarian Right. A little mild whinging about the meager wages of rolling back women’s rights earns Clarence Thomas a lifetime as the pampered pet of the oligarch class, while Rudy gets stuck paying his own landscaping and hair dye bills out of pocket? It’s fucking unjust, is what it is.

Speaker McCarthy reflected on the many accomplishments of his first year in -

Hang on, that’s not right.

In just a few short months, Speaker Scalise etched his name in the history books, with a far-reaching agenda celebrated across the political spectr-

Wait.

Critics grudgingly conceded Speaker Jordan’s unmatched recorrrrrrrrrr…

Gimmie a minute, I’m gonna get this.

Tom Emmer, not only a real human being, but a United States Congressman and, in fact, Speaker of the whole dang House of Repres-

GODDAMMIT.

Ok. “Mike Johnson awoke in a cold sweat, checked under the bed for Chip Roy, as was now his custom, and marveled that his back had somehow once again gone unstabbed during the night.”

I mean sure, using metrics like “issues addressed” or “laws passed” paints an unflattering picture of the House’s manic MAGA majority, but I say why not judge them by the smiles they brought to our faces? Personally, I’m brimming with gratitude that I lived to witness Kevin’s sad, shambling, spanked-by-that-monkey’s-paw-every-inch-of-the-way death march back to the private sector.

Arguably the most successful thing to come out of the House Republican Conference this year was George Santos’ burgeoning Cameo career. Of course, given that Michigan Congressthug Tim Walberg flew all the way to Uganda just to say “Hey, nice work on that ‘Kill the Gays’ bill, you guys,” (at a PRAYER BREAKFAST, mind you) the dip in legislative productivity was probably for the best.

Having already purpled a district with an R+7 lean with her fashy shenanigans, Lauren Boebert’s re-election prospects looked as dim as Lauren Boebert, following controversial stands on issues ranging from  “Democracy, or nah?” to “Should I jack this guy off in a crowded theatre?” so she’s fleeing to redder pastures.

Meanwhile, in West Virginia, Capitol-rioter-cum-congressional-candidate Derrick Evans shared a holly jolly photograph of a Christmas tree adorned with ornaments depicting prominent Democrats dangling from nooses, a reminder that the institutional GOP still isn’t quite brownshirty enough for some folks.

Gas stove owner Kamala Harris used a gas stove in her gas stove-containing kitchen, which got more coverage on Fox than the Dominon lawsuit payout, Boebert’s Beetlejuice handjob, and climate change put together.

Oh hey, with New Year’s resolution season upon us, I’m looking for an accountabilibuddy to help me stick to my daily abortion regimen in 2024. While I did get 328 abortions this year, I’m confident I can do better. I just want to pull my weight as a Democrat, y’know? I’d hate to think I was disappointing Kellyanne Conway.

Well, we made it through another year of this shit. Somehow. Personally, I wouldn’t’ve survived without the steady support of my closest friend and confidant: BEER. And it’s gonna take a well-stocked beer fridge to get me through another election season, so please know all donations (we take PayPal, Venmo, and Cash App!) are always appreciated. Don’t forget to join the email list at showercapblog.com, and follow @john_luzar on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter! Stay safe out there, chums!