Borowitz Report: Trump Sees New Polls and Orders Ukraine to Investigate Elizabeth Warren

[BeyondGeography]

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—After looking at the most recent polls for the Democratic Presidential race, Donald J. Trump has ordered the President of Ukraine, Volodymyr Zelensky, to investigate Senator Elizabeth Warren.

“What Elizabeth Warren and her crooked kids have been doing in Ukraine is a disgrace,” Trump told reporters on the White House lawn. “This is maybe the biggest scandal in the history of our country.”

After Jim Acosta, of CNN, pointed out that there had been no reports of any involvement in Ukraine on the part of either Warren or her children, Trump responded, “You bet there’s been no reporting, because you people are even more crooked than she is.”

Trump brushed aside an official statement by the Ukrainian government indicating that Warren’s children had never set foot in the country. “That is because the Warren kids are basically spies, and everyone knows that spies are invisible,” he said. “You people are so dumb.”

Concluding his remarks, Trump said that he would wait for the results of the Iowa caucuses before urging Ukraine to investigate Pete Buttigieg, the mayor of South Bend, Indiana.

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/trump-sees-new-polls-and-orders-ukraine-to-investigate-elizabeth-warren

[dewsgirl]

1. Yikes. The way things are moving along this may be prophetic.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

2. This is both funny and not funny.

If Warren does end up as the definite front-runner, Trump will come up with some scurrilous lie about her or her family, something much worse than the Pocahontas thing. And he'll spin it to his cult in exactly the same way.

[BeyondGeography]

3. The Mayor Pete line is why Borowitz is always worth reading

[Hortensis]

4. Funny because it's built around truth.

Those who don't want to see this happen to her need to reject it for everyone.

After all, lies are generated for and targeted at those vulnerable to them, both as eager, foolish believers and as malicious partisan spreaders.

Every person who says no to the enticements of the dark side and joins the cool-eyed, hard-nosed people on the fact-based side makes this a better, safer nation.

[Gothmog]

5. I love good satire

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