How dating habits can influence how you select a candidate

[Indygram]

Last edited Fri Jun 21, 2019, 12:59 PM - Edit history (1)

Now that I've got your attention...

There was this guy that looked absolutely perfect on paper. I built him up in my mind based on that alone. I put him on a pedestal so to speak. Over time I would see red flags pop up pretty consistently. Because he looked perfect on paper and I had invested all of my hopes and dreams into him I kept ignoring those red flags, making excuses for the things he did and said. I made those excuses and ignored the red flags for long enough that he became comfortable and safe...and that made it harder and harder to draw the line on what was and was not acceptable to me. I stuck with that person for far too long and ignored the red flags and warning signs. Ultimately it ended very badly with me being hurt and disappointed. That person was never really who I built them up in my mind to be. I so desperately wanted him to be those things that I ignored all the things that ultimately were right in my face telling me...he's all wrong...you can do so much better.

It was hard to do, but I let go of the past and moved on. Then I met an incredible, kind man. He was a little younger, very animated, talked with his hands, never stood or sat still long..but he was considerate, sincere, honest, great with my kids...and wasn't too stubborn or afraid to apologize when he was wrong. He had so much compassion. It turned out that he was the love of my life.
(On edit: This is reference to REAL people...this particular one was murdered.)

The moral of this story...don't ignore and excuse the red flags in an attempt to protect an image you have of someone else in your mind. Those red flags are your brains way of trying to protect your heart. Pay attention. Be open to those you might otherwise write off over something really silly when they could turn out being incredible.

[Freddie]

1. When you're wearing rose-colored glasses

All the red flags just look like flags.

[Peacetrain]

2. You don't like Beto anymore?

Edit to add:.. I have seen Beto and he is a decent guy.. but you still have him up as your choice.. or maybe you put this in the wrong forum and it should be in general discussion?? not sure

[Indygram]

3. The men in the OP are actually real people and this belongs in this forum

It's discussing the similarities between how people choose candidates and how they may choose who to date.

The first man in my OP refers to my ex husband, who I stuck with for far too long and ultimately divorced.

The second man was exactly as I described...and had he not been murdered I would be with him now.

And yes, the OP is actually serious. I do think that people, in general, tend to ignore the warts and red flags both in candidates and dating partners. I am attempting to remind people that they should not ignore the red flags and keep their minds open. I put it in terms that I think more people can relate to.

If you don't like the topic then I'm sure you can find something else to read on the forum.

[JustAnotherGen]

4. However

It's also okay to have non-negotiables - regardless of what those are.

Met my husband at almost 37 and married at 39.

There were deal breakers - not red flags that I really watched out for.

There are some things that if you really KNOW yourself - you can't live with it. And - it's AOK to say that.

[frazzled]

5. Mainly, don't "date" your candidates

Something I've learned for myself over the years: never fall in love with a candidate in the first place. It's not healthy, not only for the reasons you suggest (you'll overlook their flaws) but because none of them are perfect. They're just humans stepping out for a job interview.

Selecting or voting for a candidate should not be a love affair. It should be a rational assessment of character, policy, prior accomplishments, leadership qualities, knowledge about and thoughtful, realistic approaches on a broad range of subjects (economics, foreign policy, agriculture and manufacturing, race and gender, etc. etc. etc.). Also, can they articulate their ideas clearly and elegantly? And can they think on their feet? Look to how they run their campaigns to assess how they might run their presidency.

Then go out and support your reasoned choice: donate, canvas, phone bank, etc. But don't ever think you're "dating" them and falling in love.

[DesertRat]

6. "It turned out that he was the love of my life"

This isn't high school and we aren't voting for the prom king or queen. Being in love with a candidate eliminates our ability to have critical thinking and to make the kind of judgement calls that will be required.
Being part of a cult that worships a candidate is what we can see in the trump followers.

We need to put on our lens of logic and common sense and select candidates that can bring the most good for the most people.

[Indygram]

8. you missed the point entirely

which was about how people tend to NOT listen to major red flags about candidates
and how they dismiss others over insignificant things.

[DesertRat]

9. I got your point and my reply stands.

Reread my last sentence.

[Indygram]

10. If you got the point then your reply would be different

I said nothing about "falling in love" with a candidate." My point was quite simple...

Just because you imagine a candidate to be perfect doesn't mean you should ignore red flags and problems and makes one excuse after another for things they say and do.

Likewise, you should not dismiss a candidate over some insignificant or minor thing because you might miss out on a really great candidate.

Also, the second person I referred to in my original post that your post sounds to be poking fun at was murdered. Assault rifle. Incredible person and it wasn't "high school." We were in our 30's. But yeah...thanks for the snark, I'm sure it provided you with immense satisfaction.

[Hassin Bin Sober]

7. I once met a man. Talked with his hands and was good with kids.

Then I found out he supported cutting Social Security and raising the retirement age.

Worse yet, I found out he was a trust fund recipient so his proclamation of “saving social security for his kids” was empty rhetoric because his kids would be heirs to a $500 million dollar fortune.

He’s since changed his position. But I am a firm believer that character is doing the right thing when no one is watching.

[Indygram]

11. That reference was actually to a real person who was murdered with an assault rifle

eom