Hillary Clinton Saved My Hedge Fund on 9/11

[Fawke Em]

I can remember it like it was yesterday. I was at my desk in Lower Manhattan, working on a key credit default swap of underwater mortgages. We had just completed a hostile takeover of a small bank in Michigan and were busy liquidating their assets and flipping them to an equity fund managed by Lehman Brothers.

That’s when I heard the rumbling.

Looking out from my 67th floor corner office, I could see the twin towers of the World Trade Center buckling just several blocks away. I knew in order to complete the swap, I needed to call Michigan and order some evictions, but there was no time. I grabbed my leather jacket, my Armani sportcoat, my American Express cards, and my Lamborghini keys, and I ran out to the street.

As I stood there watching the towers crumble on TV, I felt devastated. But I also felt safe. Because I knew that I, and all the hedge fund and private equity bankers huddled near me, would be protected by Senator Hillary Clinton.

http://www.cafe.com/hillary-clinton-saved-my-hedge-fund-on-911/

Some good satire right there!

[Cassiopeia]

1. Writes itself doesn't it.

[Divernan]

2. Definitely a Doozy award winner.

Funny how with all the folksy anecdotes she tells, like "When I was chatting with just plain folks at the Dew Drop Inn at my fundraiser in the Hamptons, I met a widowed, transvestite, multiracial, wheelchair bound, senior citizen, National Park Service veteran . . . . etc.", we never hear word one about her son-in-law, who is not merely a hedge fund trader, but owns his very own hedge fund!

[Divernan]

3. Hedge fund traders/owners - so much worse than a mere waste of oxygen.

And Hillary did not let us down. She helped rebuild Wall Street at taxpayer expense, and I was back at work in no time, placing huge bets against job growth, while raising interest rates on the debt of bankrupt cities and school systems. I wish I could have faxed bin Laden a picture of my bonus check that Christmas. Sure, he knocked down a few buildings, but thanks to Hillary, he couldn’t touch the hedge funds within those buildings.

During this weekend’s debate, when Bernie Sanders began his Marxist diatribe about Hillary’s campaign donors, I stood up and shouted at my 80-inch 4K TV: “Hillary! Talk about me! Talk about the Wall Street bankers you saved after 9/11!”

As luck would have it, she did. She stuck it to Bernie, reminding him that Wall Street was in her district. I know she spoke for all of us here at The Obsidian Fund and like-minded firms when she said building us back up “was a way to rebuke the terrorists who had attacked our country.”

Hillary’s debate performance made me proud she was my senator. It also made me proud that I supported her with donations, although I of course hedged my bets by giving an equal amount to her then-rival Rudy Giuliani– the king of 9/11. (Speaking of Rudy, there’s $50,000 in it for you, Hillary, if you pick him as your running mate.)

(from the OP's link)

[merrily]

4. LOL! noun, verb, 911 woman.

Hey, if Guiliani got to be "America's Mayor, how come Schumer and Hillary didn't get to be "America's Senators?" They blew that one!