Why Women Aren’t Crazy

[sufrommich]

You’re so sensitive. You’re so emotional. You’re defensive. You’re overreacting. Calm down. Relax. Stop freaking out! You’re crazy! I was just joking, don’t you have a sense of humor? You’re so dramatic. Just get over it already!

Sound familiar?

If you’re a woman, it probably does.

Do you ever hear any of these comments from your spouse, partner, boss, friends, colleagues, or relatives after you have expressed frustration, sadness, or anger about something they have done or said?

When someone says these things to you, it’s not an example of inconsiderate behavior. When your spouse shows up half an hour late to dinner without calling—that’s inconsiderate behavior. A remark intended to shut you down like, “Calm down, you’re overreacting,” after you just addressed someone else’s bad behavior, is emotional manipulation—pure and simple.

And this is the sort of emotional manipulation that feeds an epidemic in our country, an epidemic that defines women as crazy, irrational, overly sensitive, unhinged. This epidemic helps fuel the idea that women need only the slightest provocation to unleash their (crazy) emotions. It’s patently false and unfair.

I think it’s time to separate inconsiderate behavior from emotional manipulation and we need to use a word not in our normal vocabulary.I want to introduce a helpful term to identify these reactions: gaslighting.





http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-women-arent-crazy/
This is an exceptional article. As true now as it's ever been.

[LiberalLoner]

1. Wish I could recommend this 100 times! But you know the people who need to

read this to understand what they are doing to us, won't read it. Or if they do they will dismiss it as more emotional ranting from a female. Because, to them, we don't matter. Our opinions are not worth those of a man.

I see this attitude, of seeing women as less-than, almost as animals or pets, as belonging primarily to an older generation. I find it all the time in men older that 60. I find it much less frequently in younger men, unless they are religious nuts.

[msongs]

2. as if this kind of language is not used by both sexes against both sexes. ok nt

[LiberalLoner]

3. To be honest, in my experience, it's nearly always said by a man to a woman.

Maybe that's just me. I've only experienced a couple of instances of gaslighting by females - one who insisted I would change my mind about having children even when I kept insisting I would not change my mind, for instance.

I've experienced this from men many times when I've tried to express anger or try to change things for the better.

[sufrommich]

4. I agree. The argument that "both side do it"

may be true, but it doesn't change the fact that it is far more common to see these phrases used as a descriptor for women.

[boston bean]

7. FAQ: What’s wrong with saying that things happen to men, too?

Short answer: Nothing in and of itself. The problem occurs when conversations about women can’t happen on unmoderated blogs without someone showing up and saying, “but [x] happens to men, too!” (also known as a “Patriarchy Hurts Men, Too” or PHMT argument, or a “What About The Mens?” or WATM argument). When this happens, it becomes disruptive of the discussion that’s trying to happen, and has the effect (intended or otherwise) of silencing women’s voices on important issues such as rape and reproductive rights.

When and why PHMT arguments become inappropriate

No one is saying that discussions on men and masculinities shouldn’t go on. It is absolutely important to have dialogue on men’s issues, including discussions on violence done towards men. The thing is, a feminist space — unless the topic is specifically men’s issues — is not the place to have that discussion and neither are spaces (feminist or otherwise) in which the topic is specifically focused on women’s issues.

What it boils down to is this: Men, not women, need to be the ones creating the spaces to discuss men’s issues. There are a lot of feminist allies who do this, in fact, and there also a lot of non-feminist (or anti-feminist, if you really want to go there) spaces that are welcoming to this kind of discussion. Thus, the appropriate response to a thread about women is not to post a comment on it about men, but rather to find (or make) a discussion about men.

read the entire thing here.....

http://finallyfeminism101.wordpress.com/2007/10/18/phmt-argument/

[LiberalLoner]

9. +1 THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

[seabeyond]

14. agreed.

i purposely stayed away from this, in this conversation.

[boston bean]

5. Excellent article and definitely worth a re-read!

It is very true and might help some put into perspective what occurs on the net as well.

[seabeyond]

6. most recent. you may be right, but if you said it "differently" you would be heard and not turn

others way from what you are saying.

meekly? femininely? submissively? tippy toeing? eyes down?

how the fuck (grinning with my oh so not nice f word) do you want me to clearly, succinctly say something so the "message" is heard?

if we coddle in speech and apologically ask for consideration, is that gonna work.

[ProfessionalLeftist]

8. +100000 and bookmarked. Thank you. n/t

[boston bean]

12. Welcome ProfessionalLeftist!

Thanks for stopping by and glad you found something worthy of bookmarking!

[seabeyond]

10. Gaslighting is a term to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people

Gaslighting is a term, often used by mental health professionals (I am not one), to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that they’re crazy.

The term comes from the 1944 MGM film, Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman. Bergman’s husband in the film, played by Charles Boyer, wants to get his hands on her jewelry. He realizes he can accomplish this by having her certified as insane and hauled off to a mental institution. To pull of this task, he intentionally sets the gaslights in their home to flicker off and on, and every time Bergman’s character reacts to it, he tells her she’s just seeing things. In this setting, a gaslighter is someone who presents false information to alter the victim’s perception of him or herself.

Today, when the term is referenced, it’s usually because the perpetrator says things like, “You’re so stupid” or “No one will ever want you” to the victim. This is an intentional, pre-meditated form of gaslighting, much like the actions of Charles Boyer’s character in Gaslight, where he strategically plots to confuse Ingrid Bergman’s character into believing herself unhinged.

The form of gaslighting I’m addressing is not always pre-mediated or intentional, which makes it worse, because it means all of us, especially women, have dealt with it at one time or another.

Those who engage in gaslighting create a reaction—whether it’s anger, frustration, sadness—in the person they are dealing with. Then, when that person reacts, the gaslighter makes them feel uncomfortable and insecure by behaving as if their feelings aren’t rational or normal.

we are seeing a concerted effort of this right now

[seabeyond]

11. epidemic of gaslighting is part of the struggle against the obstacles of inequality that women const

Her gut reaction to my work made me really depressed. While she made her response in jest, her question nonetheless makes visible a pattern of sexist commentary that travels through all facets of society on how men view women, which also greatly impacts how women may view themselves.

As far as I am concerned, the epidemic of gaslighting is part of the struggle against the obstacles of inequality that women constantly face. Acts of gaslighting steal their most powerful tool: their voice. This is something we do to women every day, in many different ways.

I don’t think this idea that women are “crazy,” is based in some sort of massive conspiracy. Rather, I believe it’s connected to the slow and steady drumbeat of women being undermined and dismissed, on a daily basis. And gaslighting is one of many reasons why we are dealing with this public construction of women as “crazy”

I recognize that I’ve been guilty of gaslighting my women friends in the past (but never my male friends—surprise, surprise). It’s shameful, but I’m glad I realized that I did it on occasion and put a stop to it.

the parts about putting smileys, i am sorry but...

i refuse to use those once they became a part of my understanding. but then, as i have said before. men say women go all over the place before getting to a point. they do this for a reason. a learned reason. yet, when i am blunt, straight forward as men insist we women should be, i am a b. whereas a man is being a man.

we are dismissed when we try to stroke ego to be heard. we are dismissed when we talk "like a man". there is not a win here.

[seabeyond]

13. thanks suf. i love listening to this man. i have one i am going to put up tomorrow

i was gonna later today. dont you dare take it. lol.

this man gets it. i would like for all my men/boys to explore his site.

[sufrommich]

15. It is a very interesting site.

I don't know if you do facebook, but this facebook page is a treasure trove of feminist thought.

http://www.facebook.com/#!/UniteWomen

[seabeyond]

16. i dont do face book. you and the rest of the world cannot make me.

i went into a facebook once to look at an acquaintances pictures. didnt really want to, but i didnt want to hurt her feelings. i had to register. two years later, never going back in, i have strangers wanting to be my friend, naggin me, lol.

i am being tempted. another told me the same with a facebook page. it is tempting. if i just look, will be people start in on me again, to be friends? lol

[sufrommich]

17. Here's their webpage,Sea

http://www.unitewomen.info/unite-women-blog/

Wouldn't want you to feel left out.

[seabeyond]

20. lol. that is the sweetest. thank you so much. really. nt

[seabeyond]

22. excellent site. nt

[felix_numinous]

18. This is a form of abuse

sorry to say, I am very familiar with it. Receiving verbal abuse in private and cruel remarks only meant for me to hear or understand the reference---and then in front of other people, they act all innocent and charming. Another aspect is when people deny they just said something cruel--so you are left in your own bubble of hurt. I can tell you I am now free of these people, but it took a mighty toll on my health. I was just--way--too nice, forgiving, stoic, and too generous with my love.

The reason why it works--is because we fall in love with these people, or think we have no choice but to relate on these terms. And since love=sacrifice for too many of us, we give in, give in some more, hope it will stop, wait some more, meanwhile we have been vampired of our life force (at least this is what happened to me).

Think I am weak? I worked in hospitals, mediated family disputes, took care of elders with Alzheimer's,moved all over the country, was always athletic--but yet when it came to love--I thought love meant giving it all away. I'm writing this to help the lightbulb go on in just one other person.

If anyone here is putting up with this shit--save your life and find a way out. It's really lethal stuff. Oh--and women are fully capable of doing the same thing to men.

Also what can happen in family relationships can happen on a macro level in society--and this sort of cruelty is the VERY kind of abuse the Republican RW authoritative model uses--so to free ourselves in personal relationships is a path toward teaching us how to free ourselves on a national level. Because essentially right now we are in a co-dependent relationship with an abusive system of government, and we have to empower ourselves to change this situation--because it is lethal.

Wow--I never saw this movie but I am going to look for it!!!

Peace~Felix

[seabeyond]

21. felix... this is such a very good post. you made me think further on this. thank you. respect

I thought love meant giving it all away.

i was associating my life and how i see things, my experience as i am reading your post. and i got to this part of your post, and it all gelled together. i have never allowed in my life. i thought because of the way raised, but reading your post, thinking maybe not. then reading you associating with love, that was not connecting to me. but, by the time i got to this part of your post, it made so much more sense to me.

love meant "giving it all away". that would be the key, that i never felt. that would not make sense to me. i spent my 20's figuring me out. i had no interest in a connection, or love. the 20's was all about me. and what i learned, is i had to love me. to be loved. i had to respect me, to be respected.

so the point that i got from your post, that i really appriaciate you sharing for insight and what i heard loud and clear, when a person does this to another, they do not respect. if the one receives, then they are just escalating the disrespect from the other. i am not saying this well. if i recognize someone being respectful, which to me is an easy feel, i will call them on it. they may not like it. they may not like me. but, there will be a respect. with someone we love, mutual respect is so important. and it is lost, both ways.

i am going to think about this a little more. thanks....

[felix_numinous]

23. Seabeyond

You actually gave me a gift by receiving and sharing your understanding of what I said.

We are raised by SO many fairytales--and these get conditioned into our subconscious before the age of 6 when we are actually in theta and alpha dream states--we are literally downloading and programming our subconscious with whatever is taught to us during those years. What were we programmed with, and what do we continually program ourselves with? These old stories are full of so many dysfunctional relationships, cruelty and domination--oh we have to bow to the King you know, and the whole princess bullshit (don't get me started)

I think religion, sometimes myths, legends and fairy tales, as well as other stories we continually listen to and read about, fortify our belief system that--love is sacrifice, we are powerless against these giant powers out there (who are just 1% of the population), that this is a dangerous world and we should be in a state of fear. There is a lot of stuff being downloaded into our subconscious with multimedia, and I think it is a grave mistake to underestimate that.

Why do the same archetypal stories of Kings (yes my lord), beautiful men rescuing the beautiful women, the unwashed masses just floundering about (screw them)--why are there so many stories being told with this old paradigm? To give writers credit, I think the old stories are being retold with more powerful women and more modern ideas--but there is ENOUGH of the old dysfunction to trigger the old subconscious neuropathways and reinforce it yet again.

But the good news is, we can change our beliefs and empower ourselves

Peace~

[jillan]

19. Gaslighting is a tactic used by manipulative people quite a bit.

I recently was involved in a support group for spouses who have been cheated on.

Oh yes, gaslighting is a hot topic in understanding how so many of us were blind while we were being lied to.

And I also see it coming from politicians, especially from the right. Especially from Faux and it's viewers.

Make someone doubt what they know to be true by emotional manipulation.


This tactic of gaslighting is used alot more than on women, altho women definitely are a target.