"The silence that underpins sexual abuse"

[BainsBane]

The author talks about how silence is the most effective weapon in maintaining sexual abuse.

"Even more effective, is the way men {perpetrators and their allies}* get to define rape and sexual abuse. A 44 year old man gets to finger, fuck or otherwise abuse a 15 year old girl-child and that was always defined as just about OK because although she was under the legal age of consent, she'd reached puberty and therefore was fair game. It was her and her parent's responsibility, to keep her away from predatory men (never predatory men's responsibility to keep away from her). Most people basically think that once a child (who is a girl) has sprouted breasts and pubic hair, you're not a paedophile if you have sex with her and so although it's a breach of sexual etiquette, it's not actually "abuse-abuse" in the way that having sex with pre-pubescent children is. Even patriarchy (in the developed world) now accepts that pre-pubescents are off-limits (for the time-being).

But girl-children who have breasts and body-hair: well, that's different. Megan Stammers is deemed by many to be "in love" with her abuser Jeremy Forrest, the teacher who groomed and then abducted her, because after all, she's older than Juliet was in Shakespeare's great play (the idiots who go for this line ignore the fact that although Romeo's age isn't specified, he's always assumed to be roughly the same age or at least at the same life-stage as Juliet). Because an adolescent girl is able to get pregnant, the fact that she is psychologically and emotionally a child, is completely and totally irrelevant to these people. . . .

The most effective weapon is of course the silence. It take time, effort and brain-space to undermine a victim's claim; forms might have to be filled in, articles might have to be written, caveats about "real victims" might have to be inserted. If this keeps happening, people might start thinking that something is amiss and want a more far-reaching, in-depth look at the astonishingly high levels of male sexual violence against women and children. Far better if victims STFU because if you don't even hear them, you don't have to deal with them at all and you can carry on with impunity. You can pretend that the sexual abuse of women and children by men, is a marginal issue of a few bad apples, rather than a systematic behaviour. When 25% of women will be sexually assaulted, up to and including rape, by men and the overwhelming majority of them will stay silent about it, that isn't a few bad apples, that's something much deeper and more entrenched and more societal than a few individual cases here and there.

Abusive men know this. Men who hate women and may not abuse them themselves but approve of other men's abuse of them, or at least don't question their right to abuse them, know this. That's why they get really uncomfortable when women speak out about the rapes and assaults and sexual harassment to which men have subjected them. . . . {Abusive} Men know that women speaking out about their abuse of us, changes things. That's why they want to keep the silence and when we find the courage to speak out, they tell us we were cowards for not doing so before or that we are delusional or malicious. They created a society where silence is the safest course of action in the face of their abuse and then they blame us for our silence."

http://herbsandhags.blogspot.com/2012/10/the-silence-that-underpins-sexual-abuse.html

*{ } used as brackets

[intaglio]

1. Thanks for this

clicked through to various links and found the "Everyday Sexism Project" site. http://www.everydaysexism.com/

Warning! Triggering even for me and I am a man.

[redqueen]

2. "They created a society where silence is the safest course of action in the face of their abuse...

and then they blame us for our silence."

Powerful piece. I love that she points out the different ways these rapists and their victims are treated. The contrast could not be more obvious.

[seabeyond]

3. there are all kinds of ways to silence the womans voice. maybe she did not say it nice enough.

maybe she did not put a pretty bow on it with no shame, with no value judgment. maybe she dared to judge. and put in the same crude and vulgar manner that the very subject is.

there is all kinds of ways we shut our women and our girls up.

and this would be the best of men. that i love so much.

[seabeyond]

4. can you hear me ..... now?

[chervilant]

5. Maya Angelou's

"I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" was key to my personal recovery from sexual abuse, rape and the pernicious broad spectrum of patriarchy-driven sexism with which we must contend every day of our lives. I also recommend "The Best Kept Secret," by Florence Rush.

I self-identify as a feminist. I've had DUers snark at me when I've addressed sexism and misogyny on this forum (though not as heinously as some who attack sb and bb and rq) -- proving that liberals and Democrats are not immune from the damages of patriarchy. Our work is far from 'over' and I hope our younglings will pick up this gauntlet, and help create a paradigm shift.

[seabeyond]

6. i am told to be civil. i suggest i am more civil than most. the reality is, do not offend.

how does one not offfend when talking a crude and vulgar subject, without crudity and offensiveness? the only way i can see how to not offend is to be quiet. and that.... is a way to silence

[chervilant]

7. Yes, and I remain

thankful that you are NOT silent.