Make Your Own Damn Sandwich

[seabeyond]

Last edited Sun Sep 30, 2012, 04:50 PM - Edit history (1)

There are many people in the world who genuinely believe that women are pretty much equal to men in the twenty-first century. But sexism is alive and well, and part of every woman’s life. Even some of my most enlightened male friends, who would probably call themselves feminists, are guilty of sexist behavior. Every time a joke is made about how women are less intelligent and less worthy of respect, I cringe. However flippant and inoffensive the phrasing may be, the assumptions and social conditioning behind the statement are dangerous. Particularly the oh-so popular “get back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich” gag, which makes me want scoop out the speaker’s eyes with a rusty spoon. Verbal sexism is now most prevalent in “jokes” and offhand comments, just innocuous enough that if a woman speaks up she is accused of being without a sense of humour. I dub this “stealth sexism”, and whilst it is not as obviously damaging as the persistent gender pay gap or the fact that women continue to be hit hardest by the cuts, it is still indicative of how deeply ingrained sexist thought is in our culture.

The kitchen/sandwich line is one of many sexist jokes now in common usage, mostly because of their strong presence on the internet. The internet allows people to make jokes and comments in total anonymity. This is, at first glance, a good thing – a step forward for free speech and communication. In reality, it is exposing just how strong a presence sexism still has in our society. In Dear Internet, This Is Why You Can’t Have Anything Nice, an article in this week’s New Statesman, Helen Lewis writes about what happened when Anita Sarkeesian launched a Kickstarter project to make a web video series about “tropes vs women in video games”. The unbelievable outpouring of filth that Sarkeesian received in response to her project clearly demonstrates that sexism and misogyny are alive and well amongst the anonymous hoards that populate Youtube, Twitter, and other similar websites. Anonymity appears to lead directly to idiotic, ignorant, hate-filled comments – see John Gabriel’s Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory for further details.

It is not just men that should be blamed for the “stealth sexism” that is ubiquitous in western society – women are also at fault. I remember myself as a teenage girl telling a friend that I would hate to be called a feminist. I truly believed (for a short, naïve time) that girls were treated equally to boys, and that feminists were a bit scary because they all arbitrarily hated men. This was because, despite going to a girl’s school where we were told we could do whatever we wanted as a career, I was not taught that sexism and misogyny are still a problem. I was left to discover that for myself.

Women are not, as a rule, prepared for the sexism inherent in adult life in the UK – and, even worse, many continue to deny its existence*. Similarly, boys and young men are not formally taught about the ongoing issue of gender equality. Nor, for the most part, are they reprimanded for juvenile outbursts of sexism unless they incorporate swearing and/or violence. There needs to be formal anti-sexism teaching across the country from the word go – in Sweden, children are taught to avoid gender stereotyping from kindergarten onwards**.

http://agoodwall.com/category/feminism-2/

[CrispyQ]

1. Either times have changed or I was more liberal than I realized when I was a kid:

I remember myself as a teenage girl telling a friend that I would hate to be called a feminist.

I don't really know because my friends & I didn't talk about feminism, so I don't know what they thought about it. I've always thought of myself as a feminist & I've never associated feminism with 'man hating.'

[seabeyond]

5. i was in calif early 80's. too young in the 60's with the movement

i had a mom that was everything feminist in attitude and behavior, but lived the traditional role.

i get the young women that dont want to be labeled. it was only recently i allowed the label. it was as if (in my world) i was rejecting the female me. then, seeing the shifts the last decade and half, reading and listening to a lot of women on du, seeing the ugly toward feminism, and living in the texas panhandle, i accepted the term.

so, i get that.

[MadrasT]

2. Sigh.

Verbal sexism is now most prevalent in “jokes” and offhand comments, just innocuous enough that if a woman speaks up she is accused of being without a sense of humour.

Especially galling is when they pull the wide-eyed innocent routine to go along with it, twist the whole thing around, and make it your fault for having any kind of a problem with it. (Do they actually think they're fooling anyone? No, it's how sadists get their giggles.)

Folks are real good at walking right up to the line and then acting like anyone who calls them out is actually the asshole.

What I don't get is why some people so vehemently defend their "rights" to be assholes and bullies. Gotta keep the wimminz in their place, I guess, is the driver behind it all.

Fuck that.

Sexism isn't funny. It just isn't. Even if it's disguised as a joke.

[ismnotwasm]

4. Heh---"wide eyed innocent routine"

One of the reasons I like communicating in person far more that I do the Internet, is I don't mind calling people out in real life, and most men KNOW when they're being a sexist assholes. They brag about it. To pull off a good call out, I have to ride a line between assertiveness and aggression. It amazes me how they'll back down so easily individually and how much more work it is to get a group to back down. They feed off each other. That's the point that assertiveness becomes aggression. I speak 'man' quite well. It's work, but I figure if I get one man--or even one woman to 'get' it, it's worth it.

The Internet is full of anonymous chickenshits. I have a more difficult time with that.


I get the feeling, that outside of pathological misogyny (far more common than people think) a good conversation can be used as a feminist teaching tool to even the passive-aggressive jokesters, or the terminally entitled. I like to talk about feminism with men. Once we get past the 'but women do it too' point, all kinds of light bulbs go on. At least in my presence and probably Temporarily, alas.

[seabeyond]

7. my thoughts of late has been

du. and what is happening with this site. especially the last couple days, i have been thinking about it.

we have a tos rule no sexism.

yet, whenever we get a sexist slur we are told it is ok. just vulgarity. we are all adult. then i ask myself. why even have a no sexist policy. because i do not see a single thing this some are calling sexist. that sexism doesnt exist. nothing is done with tos even with repeated offenders.

there is no way they would tell a black person to lighten up or any of the other insults they throw out if the same kind of slurs are used.

or coded language is used.

no one would pretend.

right now, i am at a bit of a quandry.

we get posters that proclaim to be women. using the same coded language of fainting at language. have you ever seen any feminist "faint" at any language. but, that is sure to belittle a woman speaking up. posters that proclaim to be women yet defend polenski, dfk, edwards, weiner, assange's behavior and every man who rapes or does stupid in the name of their sex.

posters that proclaim to be women who stand up on the mans side on every gender issue.

that is what is tough with the nets. one has to wonder over time.

[MadrasT]

9. I have been thinking about the same things.

Why does any bully do it? It's a form of bullying, really. It's a power thing.

As for the women who cheerlead and enable the perpetrators... I used to be one. For me, it was something along the lines of wanting to be on the side of the bullies so I wouldn't become a target. You get cookies and pats on the head if you are on their team.

[CrispyQ]

10. I don't remember bullying being so pervasive when I was a kid.

We had a few bully types, but they were very few. Our culture was just nicer back then. Not ideal, by any means, but still nicer.

Spot on what you said about joining the bully team so as not to be a victim. I suspect that a good number of kids on the bully's team are motivated by exactly that. If only they knew that they are the ones with the power . They could band together & neutralize the bully.

[seabeyond]

6. my in laws are coming for a visit in a week. it is always hard. i was thinking the other day, ....

every visit my father in law has a comment. like he decides ahead of time what it will be. the last visit, i heard three times....

husbands never listen to their wives.

you know, we go on and on and on, and the man is so stoic and quiet. needs that peace. and doesnt listen to the little woman.

their family trips with confrontation. or the simple act of challenging or speaking up. yet, he gets to throw these comments out which starts it all. 3 times and i said nothing. a stupid comment. my husband listens and remembers what i say a zillion times better than i. something we joke about.

yet.... since i will be seeing them again, i have been asking myself. why? i know so many men that throw out one of these comments and i dont get why. i do not get the reward they expect. i do not get what the intent really is. i would like to honestly know what is up with a man, when he does this. what is the real reason.

are they just stupid?

[CrispyQ]

11. Ignore him. He's trying to get your goat.

If you respond, he will just find a new thing to say. If you don't respond, he'll keep repeating himself. It's a game & it's fixed. You can't win.

My FIL was very much the same. Fortunately, I only had to see him twice. I broke my rule once when he insisted that New Coke was Classic Coke. I couldn't help myself, it was so fucking stupid. It took what was going to be a crappy day & made it even worse.

Ignoring is still the best, imo.

[mzteris]

3. "You know where the kitchen is"

has always been my standard reply to various ex's (married and boyfriend variety), and my son's once they were old enough.

Consequently, both of my boys can cook and do it well. Of course I grew up with an Uncle who did ALL the cooking in his house (my aunt couldn't cook worth a damn), and my Dad frequently did the cooking (he made better fried chicken than my mom . . . shhh...).

[seabeyond]

8. my father never did and was proud of it. we lost mom 15 yrs ago, and still

he doesnt cook at all. eats out for breakfast and dinner every day.

both my brothers and my husband are excellent cooks. our generation is different. i didnt cook because it was what was required of women. so i refused.

our gatherings, the three men are in the kitchen putting dishes together right along with me. and why not. they are good cooks.

husband does as much as i do with parties, ect....

i have gotten to be a much better cook over the years. i can hold my own.

but, my thing, is why people make these comments. what is the reward for them. what is the intent. just stupid, trying to be funny? or an ego stroke for them for whatever reason.