I Think We Should Have a Collective Response To Strangers Who Tell Us To Smile

[MadrasT]

The next morning, as I performed my daily routine of scrolling through tweets before taking my dog Miles for a walk, I came across something almost eerily prescient. It was a snippet of an interview with author Junot Diaz and NPR: "I grew up in a world...where largely I wasn't really encouraged to imagine women as fully human."

I contemplated the power of that quote while out on the street with Miles. Diaz is taking responsibility in a way for his own actions, even though he says they are involuntary. Just as I've been conditioned to be polite to men even as they overreach, men have been taught to ignore my discomfort because my value in our interaction is inherently less than.

(snip)

None of the microaggressions that I experienced in the last two days were life threatening, not in a physical sense anyway. I wasn't touched, but I still felt threatened and reverted back to the safe baseline of feminine politeness when all I wanted to say was, "Mind your fucking business," or, "I'm not afraid of talking to you, I simple don't want to," -- or silence.

I'm ready to wrestle with my own limitations and to start re-imagining my part in this screwed-up social hierarchy. First, I'm gonna figure out a stock answer, a go-to, for when I don't want to speak or otherwise engage with men. I'm gonna recite it like a mantra until it's written on my bones. I'm thinking something assertive and lady-cop sounding like, "Your attention is unwanted. Stand down. Now." But I'd rather it rhyme because I'm ridiculous.

Article is here: http://www.xojane.com/fun/i-think-we-should-have-a-collective-response-to-strangers-who-tell-us-to-smile

This article made me want to stand up and

[seabeyond]

1. what would the world be if our women, and girls, found their voice.

when i was young, it just was. there was no consideration that it should be any different. but, in thought, and to have an interruption, it was ALWAYS a wtf? a moment to figure out the man was talking to me, and what he was demanding of me.

our girls need to know, that when told to "smile". they do not have to perform for the man.

[nebenaube]

2. She sounds like her own worst enemy...

Talk about attitude, geez...

[seabeyond]

4. i guess attitude would be in the eyes of the beholder.... nt

[MadrasT]

5. Sure, right, gotcha.

If women don't want to jump to respond "nicely" at every random man's demand for attention... they have an attitude.

That's hilarious.

[JoeyT]

6. Let's put the problem in a different perspective:

If every single person you passed on the street demanded the time of you, so you had to pull out your cellphone and give it to them, how many requests for time a day would it take to give you an attitude? Five? Twenty? A thousand? How many days would it have to keep happening before the attitude never went away?

[Scout]

7. well said! n/t

[KegCreekDem]

3. I'm standing to applaud this article now.

Love the responses for the men who demand all women's undivided attention at all times.

[Scout]

8. how about "go fuck yourself"?

i am not required to maintain my facial expression for the pleasure of others.

[MadrasT]

9. I've gone with "fuck off" on more than one occasion. n/t

[MuseRider]

10. My favorite response to any and all

unwanted requests is always, "What? I'm not your monkey." Said in a non aggressive manner, not even rudely but matter of factly. I would work well in most situations.

[MadrasT]

11. When I am not reponding with "fuck off",

I usually stick with, "No."

I love the looks I get when I just say, "No." Like they are simply astounded to encounter resistance.

My ratio of "No" to "fuck off" is about 20-to-1. I have to already be pretty pissed before I will straight up tell someone to fuck off.

[MuseRider]

12. LOL, who would have thought such a simple

response would do the trick? I just put myself in a couple of positions I remember well (I am not out much anymore so my situations have decreased enormously) and imagine how just saying no would have stopped it.

I think I have asked why before or said I did not feel particularly like smiling or something like that. It is amazing to consider how much we have been incorporated into their little fantasy of owning all of us whenever they want to.

I mentioned this to my husband and he could not imagine why asking someone to smile or talking to a strange woman unsociable. Put into context by what I experienced before and reading him this one simple article and some of the responses I would like to think made the point but he just smiled and turned to the TV. I will find out later and over then next few days make certain he knows why I am always pissed when something like this happens, even from him.

Honestly, until reading this article I never knew just quite why I was always so pissed off when this happened. I never really thought of it in terms of being the compliant female to the male prerogative. I feel quite capable of handling my life, emotions etc. without being directed by someone else. Am quite happy to share them with someone I know who will take them for what they are and not try to change them to fit a scenario.

The monkey thing does work pretty well and in situations when it might be a little more than just a chance unwanted encounter with a stranger. At least it directs their afterthoughts in the direction I want them to go, that is if they ever get over the "what a bitch" and think about it.

[ismnotwasm]

13. I walk down the street,

I stand straight, fast but easy gait, arms swinging slightly. I look people in the eye if they're looking at me. If its a male, I give them a street, brief lift of my chin that is code for don't fuck with me--no smile. Work pretty damn good.

Can't do It from a distance obviously, and people who yell out of cars are a lost cause.

[Nay]

14. Muse Rider, the response "I'm not your monkey" is perfect. Since I am 60 years old and do not

get these comments anymore (and what does THAT tell you about men's real reason for making these comments? Hint: it isn't because they are 'just being nice'), I personally won't have need for the phrase, but I wish I'd thought of it when I was young.

I was a very shy bookish type, of average looks, and had to deal with that shit every. goddam. day. when I was in college, out in public, and as a young worker back in the 60's, 70's, and 80's. Feminist writings and thought about 'the male gaze' was just getting geared up, and there was no real way for women to discuss such things in the aggregate, like the internet.

From the beginning, being told to smile, or being accosted by strange men who walked right into my space expecting conversation while I was minding my own business, enraged me to no end. Who the fuck were these assholes? Why the hell did they think a strange woman would give a flying fuck what they thought or said? Of course, being trained by the patriarchy, most men knew that they had the power and could use it how they pleased, with the expectation (usually fulfilled) that the woman would not have the support or the presence of mind to rebuff them as rudely as they had been approached. It warms me inside to see all the comments and suggestions -- until women as a class can reject such shit all across the board, and cause the more sensitive men to realize they are being assholes, we'll still be the sex class.

I don't think that our more sensitive and non-asshole men realize how much this low-level harassment/tackiness affects how girls and women feel about men as a class as we grow up. We become wary of men, tired of being groped/approached/whistled at, and finally, have a very jaundiced view of men as a whole. Believe me, guys, this doesn't help you in your relationships, even if you have never done this shit yourself.

[redqueen]

15. And worse, the ones who don't do it...

and think that means that women are exaggerating, lying, blowing things out of proportion, etc.

The refusal to be supportive of their female loved ones regarding these issues speaks volumes. It sends a very clear message.

[seabeyond]

16. refusal to be supportive of their female loved ones regarding these issues speaks volumes.

this is so true. the other men, the ones doing this are clear assholes and get to hold the title, and allow us to be angry. the men that do not do this, yet do not acknowledge or even try to understand is a harder issue to deal with. men we love. men we respect and we know they respect us. but the unwillingness to "get it" as if they lose something, or think it is a matter of "admitting" soemthing, or for whatever reason is a much tougher one for women, i think. much more lasting. and corroding.

[florence123]

17. When that happens to me...

I briefly look around, see if there's any other men in the immediate area, point to one at random, and say "ask him first".

[eridani]

18. Welcome to DU. A really original and helpful first post. n/t

[eridani]

19. And the perennial favorite "Are you two ladies alone?"

Well, as a matter of fact, asshole, we are catching up on things WITH EACH OTHER, thankyewverymuch.