Bernie Sanders is the Worst Presidential Candidate in History

[Jester Messiah]

Full title: Bernie Sanders is the Worst Presidential Candidate in History, and You and All Your Friends are Idiots

Just in the interests of, you know... balance, or something!

You can’t run a candidate with actual integrity against those guys. Are you nuts? You need a real nitty-gritty mud-slinging spitfire like Hillary, who is somehow considered even more dishonest. She understands the trench warfare that wins elections. Because if there’s one thing that drives progressives to the ballot box, it’s feeling disheartened by their own candidate.

And I wouldn’t worry about millennial voters either, even though they’re critical to the party’s general election success and are gleefully declaring that they won’t support anyone but Bernie in November. Don’t sweat it. Hillary’s this close to understanding what they’re all about.

And, most importantly...

One thing you should never do is to vote for the candidate who represents what you want the country to become, in the hope that it’s the start of a process that leads to an America we can be proud of—one which protects and supports all its people. That would be exactly the kind of naive, starry-eyed mistake you and your stupid Sanders comrades are dumb enough to make. What you would do, if you had any brains, is to forget the big picture entirely, ask reductive questions like, “can Bernie Sanders immediately pass universal health care?” and, if the answer is no, throw your vote to whichever compromised puppet the establishment shoves down your throat.

Full article: http://www.pastemagazine.com/articles/2016/02/bernie-sanders-is-the-worst-presidential-candidate.html

[VulgarPoet]

1. Perfectly Swiftian in nature.

[Akamai]

92. Yeah, well there are a lot of Yahoos in the Republican party. Not quite time for "A Modest Proposal"

and I am very, very dubious about how Donald's hair would taste!

Very nice posting of how unusual and wonderful Bernie is!

Go, BERNIE!

[VulgarPoet]

94. lmao probably impotent rage and epoxy to keep it glued down in the wind n/t

[LWolf]

2. Masterful. The whole thing.

I particularly like # 3:

3. Even if he was elected, he couldn’t pass any of his legislation.

This is a really important one. If there’s one message that should sink through your thick heads, it’s this: Cast your vote for the candidate who understands Washington, D.C. as it actually is, and not as you’d like it to be. Real change happens for progressives when we elect a centrist candidate who doesn’t represent our values in the first place, in the hopes that she makes concession after brutal concession to Republicans in an effort to pass legislation that strengthens banks and pharmaceutical companies and other monolithic institutions that contribute to our horrific wealth inequality.

One thing you should never do is to vote for the candidate who represents what you want the country to become, in the hope that it’s the start of a process that leads to an America we can be proud of—one which protects and supports all its people. That would be exactly the kind of naive, starry-eyed mistake you and your stupid Sanders comrades are dumb enough to make. What you would do, if you had any brains, is to forget the big picture entirely, ask reductive questions like, “can Bernie Sanders immediately pass universal health care?” and, if the answer is no, throw your vote to whichever compromised puppet the establishment shoves down your throat.

In other words, rubes, concede. Concede pre-emptively. Concede now, tacitly admit that your country is fucked beyond repair, and maybe even skip the middle man entirely by liquidating your assets, gathering the cash, and leaving it all on the doorstep of Goldman Sachs before you screw off and die in the streets.

[Elmer S. E. Dump]

24. How much did Hillary pay this dude?

[ChiciB1]

28. Maybe I'm Missing Something Elmer... I Think This Is A

"tongue in cheek" article. If not, I read it all wrong, sorry.

[Elmer S. E. Dump]

47. BWAHA! Should have read the article!

[farleftlib]

3. Too funny

There’s no way he’s ever going to beat the Oompa Loompa version of Hitler—who knows as much policy as the dead rodent he wears on his head—or the religious zealot who looks like a shitty caricature of Bela Lugosi drawn on a deflated leather sack, or the actual malfunctioning robot posing as the GOP’s answer to Obama.

You can’t run a candidate with actual integrity against those guys. Are you nuts? You need a real nitty-gritty mud-slinging spitfire like Hillary, who is somehow considered even more dishonest...

In other words, rubes, concede. Concede pre-emptively. Concede now, tacitly admit that your country is fucked beyond repair, and maybe even skip the middle man entirely by liquidating your assets, gathering the cash, and leaving it all on the doorstep of Goldman Sachs before you screw off and die in the streets.

I want to meet Shane Ryan and just shake his hand and thank him for the much needed laugh.

Thanks for posting this.

[hifiguy]

62. As good a description of Tailgunner Ted as I have read.

Though I get a more Grandpa Munster vibe.

"the religious zealot who looks like a shitty caricature of Bela Lugosi drawn on a deflated leather sack."

[Mnpaul]

80. Oompa Loompa

nails it. All Trump needs is a little green dye and presto, king of the Oompa Loompas.

[LWolf]

4. 4. After the Nevada win, Hillary has all the momentum.

I mean, just look at her insane momentum, as represented by this graph of national polls from the past year:



That should be plenty of evidence, but in case you need more, consider her resounding, emphatic win in Nevada, where she prevailed by five points in a state she led by 37 last July. I mean, can you get more decisive than that? I think not. And if you don’t believe me, just read any mainstream political site or watch cable TV. All of those outlets correctly ignore the fact that the pledged delegate count is tied at 51—and that in the three primary states thus far, Sanders leads the popular vote count—and praise Hillary’s newfound momentum. I don’t know what America you live in, but my country is one where media narratives dictate election winners.

“But Shane,” you whine, in your pathetic Sanders-loving voice, “the more people learn about Bernie, the more support he gains, and Hillary’s trajectory looks exactly the same as in 2008, when her increased visibility led to a popularity plummet. Wouldn’t their respective patterns just become exaggerated in a general election, to the point that the only logical analysis gives Bernie a far better chance of winning?”

Shane Ryan must have been hanging out at DU.

[Petrushka]

5. Hilarious! Thanks for the link!

[Nanjeanne]

6. Perfect. I'm laughing but seriously what's wrong with people?

[angrychair]

7. Truly

A person after my own heart, I smile and bow respectfully.

[drm604]

8. This is perfect.

Sometimes satire is the best way to explain things. Shane Ryan does it brilliantly.

[Jester Messiah]

9. Alas, I suspect it will be lost on those who need it most.

Made me laugh though, and laughter is something sorely needed in this primary.

[dmosh42]

10. Instead of Obama's "yes we can!", we'll go to Hillary's "No we can't!"

[GoneFishin]

85. At least Obama waited until after he was elected to adopt "No we can't". But then she does say

that she wants to pick up where he left off, so ...

[Jefferson23]

11. Very well done, thank you. You can vote for continued corruption with a hawk record and

ties to WS, called out for how she compromised on a specific bill by another Democratic Senator or vote for
someone who is none of those things.

[Waiting For Everyman]

12. Yep, HRC's arguments are that bogus.

And yet we see those same points pushed here seriously.

Great piece and funny, thank you!

[stonecutter357]

13. Bernie Sanders is the Worst Presidential Candidate in History

[LovingA2andMI]

16. You Realize....

This is Satire Right And Bernie Sanders Is One Of The BEST Presidential Candidates In History Who To Date, Have Not Lost A POTUS Nomination....Unlike His Opponent, Who Lost In 2008.

Do you know who that person is?

[BeanMusical]

22. Woosh!

[MoonchildCA]

49. Cool. Kick it.

[Lorien]

56. Glad to know that Hillary fans are finally coming around, AND that they aren't like Repugs

who can't grasp sarcasm.

[hifiguy]

63. Stand up, I say STAND UP, son.

It's goin' over your head. Noggin, that is.



Nice boy, but about as sharp as a bag of wet mice.

[Jester Messiah]

67. Hah, good ol' Foghorn.

Absolutely classic.

[stonecutter357]

73. " this posts has been hidden by a DU Jury" DanTex.

[JackRiddler]

84. Not that I see.

[stonecutter357]

99. Good luck calling grown Men boy .

Good luck calling grown Men boy . Do you call Grown Men, boy in person are is that just a internet thing?

[hifiguy]

105. Thats a direct quote from the character.

If you don't know that much, your knowledge of popular culture is woefully deficient.

[chwaliszewski]

102. Good old Foghorn!

"You got, I say, you got a hole in your glove, son. I keep throwin'em and you keep missin'em. That boy, I say, that boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet leather."

[brush]

106. So you're calling DU posters boy now, not even bothering to translate it into "dog whistle"?

[stonecutter357]

107. Are you a true Bernie supporter ?

You called me a boy and have a racist rooster all in the same post .

[hifiguy]

108. Are you fucking kidding? I hope you are.

[stonecutter357]

109. google it....

[hifiguy]

110. If I have to explain Looney Tunes to you

I fear for humanity's future.

[stonecutter357]

111. foghorn leghorn is racist.....

look it up.......

[hifiguy]

112. Anyone can find literally anything with Google.

I got a vast number of hits on "Elvis lives in Kalamazoo." Which doesn't mean it's true. All it means is that someone said it on the Internet. Which means zero or less.

[AlbertCat]

113. foghorn leghorn is racist.....

Oh please.... He's a talking rooster.

... he's a product of the 1940's, and a spoof.

"The character of Foghorn Leghorn was directly inspired by the popular character of Senator Claghorn, a blustery Southern politician played by Kenny Delmar who was a regular character on The Fred Allen Show, a popular radio show of the 1940s."

[mwooldri]

83. There was this guy called Walter Mondale.

I think he won one state. Bernie Sanders isn't Walter Mondale.

[NoMoreRepugs]

14. thanks for the link Jester - Shane knocks it out of the park.

The way he depicts the bizzaro world we live in where facts mean nothing and where
the corporate propoganda machine rams their narrative down our throats 24/7 is the reason
we have to draw a line in the sand and turn this thing around.

[Jester Messiah]

15. Amen to that. [nt]

[WillyT]

17. LOL !!! - K & R !!!

[AlbertCat]

18. Great Satire!

I thought this got alerted on and hidden when someone else posted it. But I'm glad it's up and readable.

My fave:

"Give me the candidate who can’t even set up an email server without triggering an FBI investigation."

[democrank]

19. Shane Ryan is right.

Bernie Sanders is the worst presidential candidate in history. He doesn`t even comb his hair and he raises unicorns in Vermont. Imagine that? UNICORNS! I`ll never vote for anyone who raises those things...or thinks single payer healthcare is the answer. Plus, I agree with a DU poster who mentioned that Bernie wore white pants to a protest. Who does that?

[stage left]

72. I knew Bernie had promised us unicorns

But I didn't know they came from his own herd. Now how special is that?

[Yuugal]

98. We don't actually get the unicorns.

We are buying a share of the unicorn gas produced by the herd. Kind of like a credit union. The Rainbow flavored gas infused with Hopium is serious stuff and my personal fav. Go easy on it at first or you will literally empty your wallet into ActBlue. Been there, have the bumper sticker, actually.....they haven't mailed me the bumper stickers yet.

[stage left]

114. Aw shucks!

It's too late. I've already emptied my wallet into Act Blue.

[passiveporcupine]

87. You forgot

Instead of sugar, he puts glitter on his breakfast cereal.

[Fearless]

20. The poutrage is strong in this one.

[florida08]

21. tells you how effed up

our politics are. Beauuuutiful

[FailureToCommunicate]

23. Good satire! (BTW, the link has the the hyperlinks that pull back the curtain on the jest)

[Thespian2]

25. YES

I, too, see a bit of Jonathan Swift here...very well written...clearly explains the sewer inhabited by the 1%er...

[Umbral18]

26. Ha, I saw this on the Yahoo homepage yesterday, said a few swears, and left.

I should have know something so deliberately provocative wasn't what it seemed.

[Duval]

27. LOL!

Satire is fun! Thank you!

[djean111]

29. I don't know what is better - this satire, or the let-down of those who did not know it is

satire. Or, really, those who still don't get that it is satire. Like conservatives who think Colbert is just like them.

[senz]

38. Hill fans are our very own conservatives.

Aww, they're so cuuute.

Squee!

[Karma13612]

57. I wish you would create this as a thread. You should at least get

"best comment of the day"

[senz]

58. Thanks.

Very kind of you, Karma.

[hifiguy]

66. He who laughs last

didn't get the joke.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

30. That's the best thing I've read yet. Pass it on, everybody!

[tularetom]

31. The satire is liable to fly over the heads of a lot of Clinton fans

[senz]

32. He must have been reading DU

This is what we see every day around here:

What you would do, if you had any brains, is to forget the big picture entirely, ask reductive questions like, “can Bernie Sanders immediately pass universal health care?” and, if the answer is no, throw your vote to whichever compromised puppet the establishment shoves down your throat.

When I read their reductive questions around here every single day, I have to struggle to keep my fingers from typing "STUPID."

I see no intelligence whatsoever in those who pose such questions.

[arcane1]

41. The posts themselves certainly contain no intelligence. It's all by rote n/t

[senz]

44. Yes. No thought, no feeling, just catapulting the propaganda.

Pushing the talking points. Over and over and over again.

What a horrible way to spend one's time.

[DownriverDem]

33. It's State by State

Please go to fivethirtyeight.com. Click on Primary Forecasts at the top right hand side. Nate Silver is not wrong. It's the polls folks that say who is going to win SC and on Super Tuesday. Hillary wins all the states but MA & VT. Many are saying that it will be all over on Super Tuesday. I'm not so sure about that though.

[Jester Messiah]

54. Are you replying to the right thread?

Are you a bot? This has a distinctly scripted feel to it...

[blackspade]

34. Thanks, that cleared my reluctance to vote for Clinton right up!

I guess I'll have to slink over to camp weather vane for my penance....

[dr60omg]

35. BRAVO!

Satire is so wonderful. I wonder how many people will not realize it is satire? But, it is fabulous! Thank you!

[senz]

36. Take a look at his list! He HAS to have been reading DU

It's the same CRAP they spew every single day.

1. Bernie is NOT electable.
2. Bernie’s promises are pie-in-the-sky.
3. Even if he was elected, he couldn’t pass any of his legislation.
4. After the Nevada win, Hillary has all the momentum.
5. Hillary has an unbreakable firewall of Latino voters
6. Hillary has an unbreakable firewall of black supporters
7. She’s going to gain even more momentum by winning South Carolina
8. Every single Bernie Sanders supporter is a sexist and racist
9. Bernie Sanders himself is a sexist and a racist
10. There is an excuse for all 348 of Hillary Clinton’s scandals
11. The way Sanders has run his campaign proves he’s going to be a bad president
12. Bernie Sanders is a single issue candidate
13. Even his economic plans might not work
14. Last but not least, a Sanders presidency could hurt the precious Democratic party

And then he shows what utter crap it is.

[U of M Dem]

50. The only correct item in that list is number 14.

And good riddance, the Democratic Party could use a hurtin' to shake out all the blue dogs and 3rd Way acolytes.

The Democratic constituents deserve a New Deal / FDR / Sanders party advocating for real progressive policy and keeping wall street's dirty, diseased hands out of the political process.

We need a political revolution now, or I am afraid a much more violent and chaotic revolution will come in time. This is not a threat, this is how disenfranchised / marginalized people act when they are backed into a corner by a the power elite. I believe it is human nature to rail against oppression and seek out a more fair way to live.

I hope we seek fairness through fairness and not through violence, which breeds more oppression.

[senz]

53. I agree with you, U of M Dem. People understand a fair vs. rigged system

and sooner or later, they will rebel against the latter.

Bernie offers an orderly, peaceful return to basic fairness.

Corporate-bought Hillary or a Republican would make a peaceful return much more difficult.

[senz]

39. This article should be emailed to everyone you know!

Send the link to your family and friends. It's a "wake up and smell the coffee" experience.

http://www.pastemagazine.com/articles/2016/02/bernie-sanders-is-the-worst-presidential-candidate.html

[arcane1]

40. That last quoted statement deserves repeating:

"What you would do, if you had any brains, is to forget the big picture entirely, ask reductive questions like, “can Bernie Sanders immediately pass universal health care?” and, if the answer is no, throw your vote to whichever compromised puppet the establishment shoves down your throat. "

[longship]

42. Jonathan Swift indeed!

The Lilliputes come out of the walls.

Well played.

[Matariki]

43. Ha! I almost hid this delightful thread without reading it

[Jester Messiah]

45. It pays to crack the cover before chucking the book! ;-) [nt]

[Matariki]

46. We're talking GD-P here

I've got my blood pressure to consider

[senz]

48. Kicking. A great OP.

[beam me up scottie]

51. Brilliant satire!

This guy's been reading DU!

[Karma13612]

60. Once I got the courage to read it, it turns out it's pure

brilliance.

The guy is just being funny!!!

I thought it was a hit piece, but it's not.

Oh gosh, this is hysterical!

[democrank]

52. Kicking

for Bernie

[stillwaiting]

55. It would be HORRIBLE to have a Party Chair that recruited and funded truly progressive candidates.

The New Democratic model that epitomizes most of today's Democrats is much, much better and more pragmatic.

Strong progressives CAN'T WIN which is why Bernie kicks all of the Republicans asses in the two states that are most politically engaged at this point in time.

I'm sure Wall Street agrees with me too so that's truly wonderful!!

A Bernie appointed Party Chair is SCARY! Debbie Wasserman Schultz and Tim Kaine have served the Democratic Party wonderfully no doubt at all!

[grntuscarora]

59. K&R!

nt

[Blue_In_AK]

61. Didn't I see this brilliant article get hidden yesterday?

I'm glad to see it back. It's hilarious.

[Jester Messiah]

64. Luck of the draw I guess!

I thought I found it first. Oh well!

[Blue_In_AK]

65. So far, so good.

I couldn't understand the hide at all. It was one of those 4-3 deals.

[Blue_In_AK]

68. See this

http://www.democraticunderground.com/12511321742

[Jester Messiah]

69. Ah well, at least this one survived.

For now, at any rate!

[Blue_In_AK]

71. Some people apparently are humor challenged

and have very tender feelings.

[passiveporcupine]

88. I think this was the result of a humor challenged alerter

and jury.

[yawnmaster]

70. Fairly poor satire, but a great title! eom

[stevenleser]

78. Agreed. The satire level reminds me of the eloquence of team party signs nt

[passiveporcupine]

89. Do I detect a little jealousy?

[stevenleser]

90. Nope, it's exactly as I said it. Any worse and we would be in "Get a Brain Morans"

territory

[passiveporcupine]

91. Yep,

Definitely jealousy!

[Feeling the Bern]

74. Yeah, he sucks. We need another Franklin Pierce, Calvin Coolidge and George W. Bush to set the ship

sailing right again.

Sanders sucks as much as sucking ever sucked!

[avaistheone1]

75. I will keep this all in mind

and vote for Bernie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[AzDar]

76. Uh-Oh! Wish I would've seen this before I got that new tattoo...

Go...Bernie, GO!!

[Depaysement]

77. Best. Snark. Evah.

[AikenYankee]

79. Very nice ...

Thank you.

[Jenny_92808]

81. K & R

[7wo7rees]

82. This is the kind of writing and insight

I've been waiting to read on DU for sooooooooooooooo long. Viva Bernie!

[MisterP]

97. at the very least, Sanders's campaign created some top-notch reporting, analysis, and humor

and now it looks like maybe possibly perhaps yes even he might win

[dflprincess]

86. My personal favorite was #2: Bernie’s promises are pie-in-the-sky.

Literally none of his so-called “democratic socialist” programs have ever been successfully implemented in any government in world history, except for all the other major nations in the modern world, and also America during our most prosperous period.

[SMC22307]

93. 7. She’s going to gain even more momentum by winning South Carolina

How can you ignore the singular importance of winning a liberal stronghold like South Carolina, where it only took them 150 years to realize that flying the Confederate flag at the State Capitol might be in poor taste? If that’s not a bellwether state, I don’t know what is!

Heh.

[oberliner]

100. Does this writer think that the South Carolina Democratic primary voters are pro-Confederate flag?

They are mostly African-Americans, so I very much doubt that.

[Betty Karlson]

95. Sarcasm at its finest!

[Art_from_Ark]

96. This is what The Onion USED to be

[oberliner]

101. This person probably thinks he is really clever

How wonderful for him.

[raouldukelives]

103. Haha. Nailed it. nt

[me b zola]

104. "...couldn’t land a millennial voter if she turned into an anime version of Kanye West...

"...and Gangnam-styled across America..."



Fabulous article, thanks for posting