Did any of you have a really hard time with family gatherings?

[smirkymonkey]

I am a pretty highly socially functioning raging introvert. In other words, I'm really good at faking it, but it's a complete nightmare for me.

I went to a Thanksgiving gathering down in a large mid-Atlantic city where my brother lives now and my entire family gathered. Everything was lovely, the home, the food, there was nothing actually wrong. However, I am an introvert in a family of extroverts and I found it excruciatingly painful. Also, they also drink a lot, but never seem to be really drunk. I don't really drink.

I just felt so painfully left out. I am single, childless. They are all married w/ children. They are all outdoorsy, sporty, I am indoorsy, bookish (although I did go out for a number of hikes, which I enjoyed). They are suburban/country people, I am a city person. They let me loose in Baltimore for about 2 hours and I felt like I had been let out of jail. 2 whole hours alone in a city! I thought I would die if I had to spend one more hour in horse country - as beautiful as it is - trying to talk about the things that interest the rest of my family (FYI - they tend toward the conservative, however one brother is nominally liberal, so I have some support there).

Anyway, I have never felt so alone in my life. I feel less alone when I actually am alone. At least I don't feel so rejected. What were your holiday experiences? Thank god my brother has this adorable black labrador retriever. I spent most of my time with her. She saved my life this week.

[Hoppy]

1. When I am in the company of where I don't want to be in the company,

I use the time to do my best to have everyone else at the gathering have a good time.

That means asking them about what they are about. What changes in their lives since the last time I saw them. How they feel about the changes that I know have happened. What they are working on. How is it going.

and on, and on, and on.

The challenge is to think of as many different questions as I can.

People like to talk about themselves so it becomes easy to get them to do so.

--- and the time goes by very quickly.



Regarding being alone, my favorite time is being in my car by myself, going some place.. I put 50,000 miles on my car each year. I have been doing this since around 1970.

[smirkymonkey]

2. I tend to want to retreat from the group.

I just don't like large groups of people. It's my biggest nightmare.

[Hoppy]

3. I used to always be late to gatherings. I figured out that it was my fear that people would expect

too much of me --- they wouldn't like me. I don't look forward to gatherings but they no longer are a source of anxiety.

[Dr. Xavier]

4. my friend, grind it out

its only once a year, any one can suffer fools once a year. Right?

[LiberalElite]

5. My only family is my

brother who lives several hundred miles away with his partner.

So, I attended a Thanksgiving potluck at a friend's apartment. There were six of us single childless women total. The others, who were acquaintances to me, all talked among themselves and when I did try to say something, I was either ignored or simply not heard. I had to yell to get them to pay attention to me which while I can be naturally loud, I did not want to have to do. Maybe it was the apartment acoustics? (Except that - small living room and they heard each other just fine.) It wasn't painful but not the best time either. I just went because I told myself, you know,
OH GET OUT AND BE WITH PEOPLE.

[smirkymonkey]

7. I wonder if it has something to do with the attitude of people who are married w/ children toward

the single and childless? I never have this problem when I hang out w/ my friends, who are all city people - some coupled up/married and childless, mostly single and childless. Maybe its just family dynamics.

[Conch]

6. So, what's next then?

I have encountered similar situations dozens of times (enough about me). It might be less the differences in the life you lead (out doorsy to in, suburban/urban) and more an anxiety that seems to grab onto these differences and amplify them in your mind.

I am a teacher and felt very far removed from co workers and family... my wife suggested I seek help. According to a Dr I have social and general anxiety disorder (who knows... sounds wishy washy to me) and I have depression. I have taken medication for the last four years (zoloft, gabapentin, and naltrexone for my drinking) and find the situations that I used to find torturous to be viable and much less frightful/regretful.

This of course isn't to say that what works for one person works for another...but it certainly is worth considering.

Good luck to you regardless, onward and upward.

[smirkymonkey]

8. THanks for your good wishes!

I hope the rest of your holidays are as tolerable as can be!

[Conch]

9. You too.

Here's to the calm that comes with January.

[ellenrr]

10. I'm glad your brother has the retriever. ;) I can relate

I love animals.
My thanksgiving was actually very good. Spent it with 2 friends. We ate tofu and broccoli, plus 2 salads.
Nobody feels the need to get stuffed, so I was happy not to be around people who cram food down their gullet and then complain about they feel stuffed.
We had good conversation, we know each other for long time, the conversation tends to be personal, and I like that.
I find it very boring to be around people who are talking about superficial things that I care nothing about.
I avoid any holiday with "The family". The family includes step-relatives. Not that they are bad people, but we have nothing in common.

I will offer unsolicited advice, and that is: leave the psychoactive pills alone - if you are a man they can cause impotence, lots of other effects, as well as feelings of depression.

[bemildred]

11. It depends.

I am social enough that I can emulate normality pleasantly enough for a while, and my family has learned that when I say it's time to go it's not beause I am offended or don't like them. So we visit a few times a year and get along well. But we are a motley bunch anyway and tolerate people being different.

In your case it sounds like you stayed far too long. It might work better if you can show up and socialize for a few hours and then retreat to recuperate like I do.