The Bible is boring and insipid.

[laconicsax]

http://whyevolutionistrue.wordpress.com/2012/06/22/the-bible-is-boring-and-insipid/
[div class="excerpt" style="border-left: 1px solid #bfbfbf; border-top: 1px solid #bfbfbf; border-right: 1px solid #bfbfbf; border-radius: 0.3077em 0.3077em 0em 0em; box-shadow: 2px 2px 6px #bfbfbf;"]The Bible is boring and insipid.[div class="excerpt" style="border-left: 1px solid #bfbfbf; border-bottom: 1px solid #bfbfbf; border-right: 1px solid #bfbfbf; border-radius: 0em 0em 0.3077em 0.3077em; background-color: #f4f4f4; box-shadow: 2px 2px 6px #bfbfbf;"]Yes, I have moved beyond Sophisticated Theology™ to the horses’s mouth: the King James Bible (and believe me, it’s embarrassing to sit on a plane and be observed reading the thing). I’ve read sections of it over the years, but am now required (by myself) to start at the beginning and plow right though. I wonder how many visitors here have actually read the damn thing. And although I dislike it, I feel that in some way I’ll benefit from it, for I’ll get to see how contrived, how man-made, and how truly stifling the book is to the human spirit. And I hope I’ll better understand the delusions that afflict my countrymen.

The book is not pleasant—at least 150 pages in. And when I think that I have 950 pages to go, my heart sinks to my metatarsals.

I know that Richard Dawkins and others tout the Bible’s beautiful poetry, and indeed, there is some, but I wonder how much of that poetry was in the original, and how much was value added by King James’s group of translators. Now I’ve read only 150 pages (to Numbers 23) but there is precious little poetry in there. In fact, almost none. If you regard the Bible as a book of fiction, one to be treasured for its beauty, you’d put it down before you ever got through Genesis. No, if one must read the Bible, read it not for the beauty of its prose but as a work of fiction that has deeply influenced our culture: as a way of understanding our enemies. If someone found this book in a used bookstore and it hadn’t become the basis of a religion, they would not prize it as a wonderful story. I’d love to see it reviewed purely as a work of fiction, without any religious connotations.

...

No, you shouldn’t read the Bible because of its poetry. The good bits, I predict, will be far outweighed by the stupid and boring bits. If you want pure good, read Dubliners or Crime and Punishment. You should read the Bible just so you can wonder what all the fuss was about.

[Warren Stupidity]

1. We studied parts of it in high school English class.

Mostly it is crap. Job is interesting, especially for theists, major squirm factor there for them if they actually think about what they are reading. Between Job and Abraham's little psychotic breakdown with a knife and a son, inquiring minds are left trying to distance themselves from that deity as fast as possible.

We moved from the bible to Milton, at which point my inherited agnosticism from my no longer a catholic wwii did that in dad became up front atheism. Modolo some new age bullshittyness caused by too much LSD at too young an age, it has been that way ever since.

[laconicsax]

5. I firmly believe that it should be taught in high school English classes.

Dawkins is absolutely right on what it means to be Biblically illiterate in the West.

Paradise Lost, on the other hand... I think I could have done without reading that, especially since it didn't improve the second time through.

[Goblinmonger]

14. I freely admit to being a literature nerd, but Milton is the shit.

I tell my lit students that reading Milton is probably more important (and more manageable) than reading the Bible. What we all "think" we know about hell and the devil actually comes from Milton (and Dante).

[Warren Stupidity]

18. Indeed I didn't say I disliked Milton.

However, I viewed it as farce, which is perhaps not what Milton intended. And, as you say, it is what informs our "modern" view of Hell, at least to believers. Mine too, for that matter.

[daaron]

16. AP Humanities, in my case.

We only read Job and deconstructed it along the lines you suggest - making the believers in the room squirm. In fact, It was in that class, shortly after reading Job, that my childhood friend Jessica called me "the Devil" after I told her BF, Stewart - also a childhood friend of mine - quote, "I don't believe in God." Stewart was hardcore Baptist, had started proselytizing to me, and had converted Jessica since they started dating a few months earlier. I lost two close friends that week, and started a really complicated journey through disbelief and belief and disbelief, again, to where I stand today.

Along the way, I read the Bible a few times. Just once cover to cover (KJV, naturally). Gawd - the begats in Kings, etc. are enough to lull a colicky baby to sleep. They make boring seem interesting. In all, I found very little to substantiate the claim that KJV is great literature in and of itself - except for my taste, maybe Songs, Daniel and Revelations. It's historic literature, and no Western lib-arts education is complete without studying it, but it's only "great" literature because it's so influential. It's like Voldemort - great... terrible, but great.

I also read a butt-load of other religious texts along the way - Judaic, Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, and all the myths and ancient literature I could get my hands on, including lots of writings by mystics over the millennia. My conclusion after this survey of the world's great religious literature?

Watch paint dry. Less of a waste of time, and more interesting.

Or, one can play the game of trying to find mushrooms in any and all religious texts and artwork. It's great fun and it's amazing what one can find to substantiate the amusing hypothesis that most of the big religions descended from hallucinogenic mushroom cults.

Case in point:

[AlbertCat]

17. 'shrooms...dude!

I agree with the 'shroom hypothesis.

But all those texts are interesting to a certain point because they delve into the ancient mind. A mind we should be rejecting.... but...

The thing about the Bible is it IS dull...and infantile. It has some good stories... the Nativity is a great story with lovely imagery. But the Bible is an Archie comic compared to the Iliad or the Mahabharata... both good war stories with tons more imagination than the Bible. I mean Gilgamesh is more fun and interesting.

on edit...

Come to think of it, Christian mythology is even more interesting than the Bible itself! Arthur...anyone? Suzanna? Even the "Left Behind" series is more fun.... in a stupid, pop culture kinda way.

The main problem with all these things is.... they go on for too long. Some editing please!

[daaron]

19. Definitely Christian mythology.

I love the Grail cycles, myself.

But there's loads of great north European pagan mythology, too. The Irish heroic cycles; the Mabinogion (I like it's modern interpretation in the Taran series by Lloyd Alexander, too); the Prose Edda of Snorri Sturluson (I just like to say that one). Beowolf, of course, on the other side of change from the Edda. All tough but worthy reads.

Since you're a mushroom-hunter, check out this guide to playing the game with pre-Christian European mythology (Prof. Ruck was one of Wasson's disciples): http://www.amazon.com/The-Hidden-World-Survival-Fairytales/dp/1594601445

Another recent work by Ruck, et al. worth a read (this one was a long time coming), hunting in Mithraeum, this time:
http://www.amazon.com/Mushrooms-Myth-Mithras-Civilized-Europe/dp/0872864707

[dimbear]

25. Repetition has taken the edge off the plot. Think of the excitement wondering whether anybody

survives the flood the first time you heard it! Would Noah drive away his desperate neighbors successfully? (yes) Would Moses ever reach the Promised Land? (no) Would Queen Esther save the endangered Jews of Narnia? (yes)

Now all that stuff is old hat. Happens to any much read book. Moby Dick wins every time.

[Curmudgeoness]

23. KJV, naturally....

Naturally. When I was young, I was amazed that we were still using a text that was so old instead of having a modern version. I hate when I am reading something in Old English and someone has to constantly tell me what something is supposed to mean.

But what is odd.....I still don't feel as if it is "right" to quote verses from any other version. Now THAT is brainwashing!

[daaron]

32. Yeah. I split the difference and quote from the NKJV. :D nt

[laconicsax]

33. That's a counterfeit Bible.

http://www.av1611.org/nkjv.html

That site is always good for laughs.

[daaron]

34. Nice! I love the conflation of the trinity symbol with celtic triskelion.

I had no idea I had been quoting from Satan's own edition of the Bible!

Reminds me - I used to have a bookstore, and for a while had a really interesting pair of books in the display window. One was a Wiccan's Book of Shadows, and the other was an Eastern Star annual (the 'ladies auxiliary' of the Freemasons) from the 1950s. Both books were about the same size and weight. Both had black covers with lettering and art embossed in silver.

One had an inverted pentacle emblazoned large on the cover. The other had an upright pentacle. Guess which star went with witch book?

[JNelson6563]

2. Brutal, graphic violence, incest, betrayal, blood sacrifice...

It's got all the makings of a best seller!

It actually is a helpful tool for spreading enlightenment though. When people actually do read it they get all WTF? and the next thing you know, they're giving things another look...

I hear commercials on the radio lately promoting bible reading. Targeted at the young on rock stations and such. I think to myself "Yeah kids, read the bible and take a good look at what they want you to consider 'enlightened'."

Julie

[dimbear]

7. Infanticide, prostitution, slavery, monsters, prodigies, omens, plagues.........

It's got it going. You want boring? "Pilgrim's Progress." Now that's boring.

[laconicsax]

8. That stuff is really fleeting when compared to the boring shit.

There are entire chapters of the Bible that exist solely to provide genealogies and detailed instructions for building things.

Hell, even the New Testament kicks off with 40+ generation genealogy of Jesus

[dimbear]

9. Lemme explain how "Pilgrims Progress" reads. Something happens. Next incident.

Retells all the first part. Next incident. Retells all the first part. Etc ad infinitum. And that was the second most popular book in the Puritans' homes. Often it was the only other book besides the Bible.

Anyway, the Bible isn't meant to be read through. It's dipping-into material. It's like a whale that needs a lot of flensing, but nevertheless has a few edible parts and maybe if you're lucky some ambergris.

Purely as a socio-historic document, of course.

[laconicsax]

11. That's a fantastic analogy n/t

[kdmorris]

15. HEY!!! Genealogy can be fun!!!

Not the way the bible does it, but I do have fun doing Genealogy.

I hated having to memorize bible verses when I was a kid. I did it so that I could get my gold star or whatever, but having a 5 year old memorize a bunch of words that they don't understand or care about isn't really "teaching". Unfortunately, due to the fact that we are not technologically advanced enough to wipe it out and defrag my brain - all the bible verses are still there. meh.

[EvolveOrConvolve]

3. Boring is definitely a good word to describe the Bible

Between the various rapes, murders and violent acts are long chapters and books of utter dreck. Anyone who says the Bible is "the word of god" doesn't have a nice opinion of their god's intellect.

[OriginalGeek]

4. At least 3 times

all the way through. We had to for school - I went all four years of high school to a christian school. But I'm pretty sure I phoned it in my senior year. Oh I turned the pages. I just was bored reading it again.


There's a couple damn days worth of begats in there that will kill you.

[laconicsax]

6. My first introduction to that tedium was when I was twelve.

I was studying for my Bar Mitzvah and the passage of the week that I had to read from the Torah was Genesis 10 and 11 which, excepting for the 9 verses that make up the Babel story, is nothing but begats.

[dimbear]

10. It's worth wondering, what's the least boring of all the 'holy' books? Practically

all are snoozers: Koran, Mahabharata, Book of Mormon, pretty deadly. Anybody read Anton LaVey? Aleister Crowley?

[daaron]

20. Heh. Crowley!

Yeah. Seriously. Hard to make the Bible seem interesting by comparison, but somehow, like magic, he did it.

[Warren DeMontague]

27. Only Lao Tzu understood that brevity is the soul of wit.

At least he didn't talk your ear off.

[Kennah]

12. It does fit in with the Tower of Babel

An argument I have heard raised, and one I very much agree with, is if the Bible were truly a "God breathed book" then it would be clear, concise, and lucid for anyone, in any language, regardless of the translation. After all, it is God's book, regardless of who is running the printing press.

And yet, there is a board diversity of interpretation even within modern English language translations.

There are sometimes interesting fantastic stories in the Bible, but the writing style often isn't terribly inspiring.

So, if the Bible reads like crap, fundamentalist believers can blame the heathens who built the Tower of Babel.

[laconicsax]

13. When you say "fantastic..."

Do you mean "imaginative" or "very good?"

[Kennah]

28. I think you've been too kind with your options

A better choice would have been fantastical or fanciful.

If the Bible were a movie, it would be a really bad Jerry Bruckheimer film. Over the top, not for a moment do I delude myself that this is even close to reality, and occasionally either imaginative or entertaining.

[laconicsax]

29. I'm thinking Michael Bay.

[Kennah]

37. Have to agree, even though I loved Miami Vice

[frogmarch]

21. He sounds like

a reviewer at Amazon:

http://www.freethoughtpedia.com/wiki/Bible_reviews?r1

[dimbear]

24. Good one. Information sweeps away ignorance again. There's hope.

God doesn't approve of the internet.

[frogmarch]

31. Yes, it seems there's hope.

And even if it's false hope, this reviewer was able to see the bright side of his Bible purchase:

With a combined 72 authors working on this book I was expecting a lot more for my £20. It's simply full of incorrectly organized sentences, made-up words and boring events.

Also, when I found out half of this book (the new bit) can be found for free in hotels inside drawers made me very angry I feel like I've been conned.

Anyway - I turned the leather into a decent wallet for Father's day so all was not a loss.

[Curmudgeoness]

22. If you want to read the Bible all the way through,

make sure you just skip Numbers and come back to it at the end if you feel the need. I have read up to Numbers twice, and gave up on the desire to read to the end at that point.

I probably should try some day to start after Numbers and read the rest. There is much that I do not know about some parts of the Bible...well, like the OT after Numbers.

[Warren DeMontague]

26. I'll tell you, Genesis is way more interesting with R. Crumb doing the illustrations.

Crumb is an Atheist, BTW.

[laconicsax]

30. I still prefer the live-action version.

[dimbear]

35. At the age of 12 or 14, Vaughan Bode began to rewrite the Bible.

None of his efforts are known to me, but what a treasure that must have been.

[awoke_in_2003]

36. Like Doyle said in Slingblade...

"this one begat that one, and that one begat this one, an lo and behold somebody does some shit"

[HopeHoops]

38. Well, at least "Numbers" is. Begat this, begat that... Blah blah blah.