I wish I took comfort in prayer....

[Heddi]

I received some very devestating health news yesterday just 2 hours before I went to work, and so my night was hell, didn't even get a chance to sleep on it and feel better about it (or at least not feel so fucking horrible about it).

Hard thing is that I'm an RN, so there's no pussyfooting around this. I know what I may possibly have, and how it affects me, and what the long-term results will be.

Today I went in for a second opinion, and should get results soon. Hopefully by the end of the week.

Everyone around me that knows (Dr, RN's, husband who is also an RN) thinks that the initial news is a false positive or what-not, hence the 2nd opinion. Doesn't change the absolute horror of hearing this, though.

And last night and today I kept thinking "I wish there was something that could console me, that could make me feel better." but I don't know what it is.

And I wish I took comfort in thought or prayer or good vibes or whatever. But I don't. And I can't. And I don't believe that prayer will change my situation. It either is, or it isn't. And if it is, then hooooobudddy I don't even know how I could take it. I already feel on the verge of having a simultaneous nervous breakdown/stroke/panic attack/complete organ failure...

Husband says "don't freak out until we get the 2nd results in, don't worry until we know for sure."....uh okay. I'll just un-know what I know and oh fuck it.

[woodsprite]

1. I'm sorry to hear of your news

I received a call at work 6 yrs ago on a Friday morning. It was my doc
telling me I had uterine cancer and he wanted to see me in his office
first thing Monday morning. I had to leave the building and go
to my car to have a cry.

So I know what it's like to get news like that at work. I can't say that you
won't be in my thoughts or prayers because that's just who I am, but
I can offer you a great big , a shoulder to cry on, and an
ear for listening.

[eqfan592]

2. There's really not much anybody can say at a time like this.

Take comfort in your husband (who I'm sure, in spite of his words urging you not to worry, is falling apart on the inside) and your family, and I sincerely hope that it turns out to be a false positive!

[dimbear]

3. Sorry to hear the possible bad news. Two things I believe as an atheist: there's only

so much suffering, your life is your own.

#3 would be you never really know how much you can put up with....until you do. Good luck.

[onager]

4. Do NOT Google "atheist words of comfort."

I did, looking for something original I could steal to make you feel better.

But searching on "atheist words of comfort" kept popping up links to Ray F'ing Comfort - the banana-obsessed moron who hangs out with that other Virtual Einstein, Kirk Hameron...er, Cameron.

Nobody needs that kind of Comfort.

I'll be thinking about you, and I hope your news is good.

For you and Mr. Heddi, I did find this quote that's Danish or Norwegian or something Scandinavian, I think: "Joy shared is a double joy. Sorrow shared is half a sorrow."

[mimi85]

5. I almost thought the same thing

but thought better of it. I have just about every autoimmune disease from leukemia to Sjogren's Syndrome. I'm tired of jaded and incompetent doctors, tired of filling out forms no one seems to read - all in all, just plain tired. When these caring (cough, cough) folks want me to see 14 different specialists - no exaggeration, I've decided to just say fuck it all. My husband tries so hard to to take care of me, he knows the pain and frustration. It hurts to hear him cry. My best friend of almost 50 years is also an RN in a neo-natal ward (ugh) and knows exactly how I feel.

Now, if I could just get some decent pain medication! But doctors are mostly - hate to generalize - into covering their own asses. Wouldn't want a terminally ill person to get addicted now would we? My much loved MIL passed away from pancreatic cancer a few years ago and the doc gave her the weakest hydrocodone available. Asshole.

Ha, anyone here old enough to remember the infamous story of WC Fields on his deathbed reading the bible, and when asked why, he said he was looking for loopholes? I'm 62 and thought this was when we would be traveling, etc, etc.

I just want to make it to our anniversary on New Year's Eve - and the election, political junkie that I am. Just watching the GOP clown car has been entertaining! I'll keep laughing along with Ricky Gervais and re-read George Carlin among so many others as long as I can. Oh, must make a note to watch all the Monty Python stuff again.

Your husband is right - hang in there. . That's all any of us can do. Que sera as my mom used to say. And my dad singing to me as a little girl "you are my sunshine." Damn, I miss them. I'll be thinking of you, good thoughts are ok as are good vibes, ole hippy chick that I am.

Hugs, Jennifer

[Warren Stupidity]

6. Meditation need not be theistic or woo.

Consider it a beneficial quieting of our jibbering monkey minds.

[eqfan592]

9. Agreed, meditation can be a great thing. (nt)

[Heddi]

18. How do you meditate?

I tried it once and I fell asleep. I'm borderline narcoleptic so that seems to be an ongoing issue. "chill out for a while, Hed." Okay zzzzzzz

[trotsky]

7. Sorry to hear about this, Heddi.

I hope that second opinion comes back with a better result.

I understand the feeling though about wanting that comforting feeling. It's definitely one of the few things that sucks about non-belief. (One of the others being asshole believers like those found in other DU forums of course.)

Hang in there and I'll be thinking of you.

[dmallind]

8. I know what that's like.

They are right not to freak out if there is hope of course. Even if that hope is finally removed, freaking out is usually temporary in my experience. As a professional you are better informed than most and have doubtless seen many more ways of handling such news than most. You'll surely know there is no "right" way and that anything from freaking out to serene acceptance is fine depending on not judt who but also when.

Hell I'm two years give or take into a similar sounding situation and 6 months past the consensus likely survival time. I still have mini freak-outs now and again while remaining largely blase about my fate most of the time. The people I know in the same boat run the gamut of what comforts them or even whether they need comforting. Prayer is not essential. People seem to be the most common comfort in my circle. Me? I have beer and my dog

[Heddi]

10. got 2nd test back with same results

[dmallind]

12. Darn. Hey freak out for a bit if you feel the need, You'll surely regroup later

Again as you know being a nurse, there is no right way, no set in stone way and surely no wrong way to handle terrible health news. Seek comfort where you can - hell even in prayer if you think it might help (don't think you are likely to decide it does, but who knows?) Even the most ardent atheist is unlikely to object to anybody's right to private individually chosen prayer on their own time - least of all another atheist's!

Sorry to hear of your bad news.

[cbayer]

11. I don't usually post here, but despite our past differences, I am really sorry to hear this, Heddi.

I can't even imagine what you must be going through.

Glad you have your husband at your side and I hope that whatever you face goes smoothly and has a good outcome.

I am truly sorry that this has happened.

[Heddi]

14. thanks

I'm sorry I was a rusty cunt bucket to you. That's my favourite insult from a patient. "You get over here, you rusty cunt bucket!!" I don't even know what it means, but I told the man "Hey, have we met before? How do you know me so well??"

So now it's time for opinion #3, and 4, and 10,000.........

The lady at the lab today thought I was a meth head I think because my eyes were so bloodshot they looked like i had hematomas and my eyes so puffy from crying I could hardly keep them open.

I wanted to stay in bed all day....forever. Fuck my husband for not letting me wither away

[cbayer]

16. One thing I can say about you with certainly is that you are tough as nails.

You can do this, whatever it takes. There will be another time for staying in bed all day.

Thanks for the apology and I offer mine in return.

[Heddi]

17. what doesn't kill you makes you...?

sicker for years until you die a horrible death full of pain and misery? with tubes in every orifice? loved ones crying over your emaciated body that smells of organ failure?

bah. I knew I should have stayed in bed today

[Curmudgeoness]

13. I am so sorry to hear this.

It really is harder on us---I say it all the time that just thinking there is some god who cares and will help us through troubles in life is helpful. People who are believers at least have that shoulder to cry on.

But in the end, in their real life, it is not god who offers the help that they are needing. It is the people around them, and us. It is inner strength that they believe comes from god, but it is in all of us. It is the fact that we deal with what we have to deal with. Leaning on god is really just another way to deal with what we all deal with in life.

You have it in you to face this and do what has to be done. Lean on family and friends when you need that. And come here if you want to vent about it.....we do care too.

I hope that things go as well as they can, not knowing what you are dealing with.

[Heddi]

15. Started on opinion #3 today

Another test, this one with a completely different set of labs and eyes and lab reading them.

My Doctor says "take it easy, take it one day at a time, take deep breaths..."

I'd like to take a valium...but he didn't give me that option.

I'd really like some fried chicken right now

[Heddi]

19. Thx for letting me vent y'all

Typing is easier than talking because I can't talk because I"m crying. But I'm still crying while typing but you don't know that until I tell you that.

gah. what a fucking week

[frogmarch]

20. Heddi, I wish there were

something I could say to help you get through this, but all I can think of to say is that I hope everything turns out well for you. I had a scare about 10 years ago - a cancer scare - that turned out to be a false alarm. I wish the same outcome for you, dear Heddi.

[trotsky]

21. FWIW, your DU friends are here for you.

Hoping for the best.