Cruz, Carson Differ Sharply Over Timetable for End of World

[beam me up scottie]

BOULDER, COLORADO (The Borowitz Report)—There were fireworks at Wednesday night’s Republican Presidential debate as the retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson and Texas Senator Ted Cruz sparred over their differing timetables for hastening the end of the world.

While both Carson and Cruz stressed their commitment to accelerating the end times as described in the Book of Revelation, they offered starkly different visions of how they would bring them about.


When Carson said he hoped to bring the world to an end during his first term in office, he received a mocking rebuke from Cruz.

“That’s not soon enough,” the Texas senator said. “When I am President, I will start working to make the Rapture happen on day one.”

Although the two traded barbs about the apocalypse for several minutes, the biggest applause line on the subject belonged to the former Hewlett-Packard C.E.O. Carly Fiorina. “These two gentlemen talk a good game about Armageddon, but I’ve made it happen,” she said, to a standing ovation.

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/cruz-carson-differ-sharply-over-timetable-for-end-of-world

[mountain grammy]

1. My favorite thing.. the rapture, bring it on.

I'm so ready for all of them to leave.

[progressoid]

2. It's funny. And depressing.

It's funpressing?

[GeorgeGist]

5. defunny

[Lordquinton]

3. Not sure if serious

It's crazy to contemplate, but this crop of repugs are crazy, and it's really not outside the realm.

[Yorktown]

4. They make Trump look sane

Honestly, the Republican Party is in a tailspin spiral: don't they vet candidates to ween out the loons?

Endtimes? Creationism as a viable hypothesis?

I wonder if any person using evolution as a revenue source (lab personnel, educators, etc) votes for these guys?

The 'clown car' is roaring in style..

[AlbertCat]

6. Presidential Material, folks!

Who wouldn't want to vote for these two...er....three...


or why bother if the end is nigh?



(I know it's Borowitz, BTW)

[deucemagnet]

7. Dammit, BMUS, you got me!

I read the article and looked for "onion" in the link. Nope. Fuck, this is real! Then I saw "humor" in the link.