Funny things I learned in church
The peace sign is Satanic. It is an upside down and broken cross and represents those dirty hippies who want to deny god by tricking us with "peace" and "love". That was an actual sunday school lesson.
I also learned that Barry Manilow is Satanic. But I might be inclined to believe that.
What funny things did your church try to teach you?
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the kid's pet goldfish.
Judas Is-a-carrot. 
I can still hear my mom saying, "Mrs. Sherman said WHAT? His name was Judas Is-a-carrot? No, she did not. She absolutely did not...did she?
Mary was a round young virgin.
God cruises around Heaven in a vintage Plymouth. ("He drove them from the Garden in a Fury."
The apostles preferred more fuel-efficient, if crowded, Japanese transportation. ("They left in one Accord."
Jesus didn't much like fig trees.
According to Jesus H. Christ Hisself, one of the worst sins is calling someone a "fool." You can go straight to Hell for that. Naturally, with the Buy-bull's usual consistency, just a few verses later Jesus calls the Pharisees...fools!
The leopard cannot change his spots. Therefore slavery - a natural God-given condition of Certain Races, until we fallible human beings screwed everything up and started emancipating people. (I was raised as a Southern Baptist.)
And as a former Southern Baptist, I could be here all night...
your step-dad. Yikes.
Regardless of what made you an atheist – the Baptist church, or your own clear thinking, or both – here you are. 
The ping pong story is funny! My pastor used to play the game called Sardines with us kids on youth fellowship night. When the congregation learned that we’d played Sardines in the sanctuary, they really got on his case, poor guy. I still chuckle when I remember Pastor Seitz, red-faced and doubled over in laughter, squeezing behind a pew with a bunch of us. Besides playing hilarious games, we also did some folk-dancing. My church experiences were all positive ones, but, well, here I am too.
were talking about must have been what Hindus call the lingam, ling, Shiva Linga, or Shiv ling. The lingam and yoni (representation of the female vulva or vagina) symbolize to many Hindus the inseparability of male and female principles in creation.
http://www.vepachedu.org/linga.htm
Excerpt:
Shiva Linga is a wide spread Indian phallic figure. It consists of a feminine base “Yoni,” or “vagina,” and a rising masculine portion the “Phallus,” or “penis.” The Linga artifacts, dating from the first century BC to the third century AD, are shaped like realistic phalluses. Thereafter the shape becomes progressively more abstract. By medieval times, its observable portion, rising from the Yoni, forms a round block with domed apex.
Shiva, the lord of erect Phallus (urdhvalinga), is traced to the ithyphallic figure of Indus Valley civilization or to the phallic images found more generally in prehistoric India. The epics and Puranas tell how a great fire appeared from the cosmic waters, and from this flame Linga Shiva emerged to claim supremacy and worship over Brahma and Vishnu, when he was castrated because he seduced sages’ wives in the pine forests of Himalayas. He castrated himself because no one could castrate the Supreme Lord. The fallen phallus of the Supreme Lord destroyed all the worlds until it reached the Yoni of Uma/Parvati and cooled down. All procreation of worlds started after the worship of Yoni-Linga was restored and all Gods, including Vishnu and Brahma accepted supremacy of Lord Shiva.
