We Must Come Out (article)

[Rob H.]

We Must Come Out
Matt Weaver

-snip-

The mere appearance of my name in the byline of this blog post would sign my death warrant in many countries. Here in America, it might not get me killed, but it will certainly get me threatened and discriminated against. One need not dig deeply into Facebook or Twitter to find genuinely disturbing hate speech and death threats directed to atheists and various strains of un-, non-, or different-believers. More disturbingly, eight state constitutions explicitly discriminate against nonbelievers: Arkansas, Maryland, Mississippi, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, and Pennsylvania.

In my personal experience–growing up very near the Buckle of the Bible Belt, and living most of my adult life in New Orleans, a city whose history is inextricably linked to Roman Catholicism–I’ve been shunned by friends and family whose professed love was apparently contingent upon my blind belief in the god(s) of Bronze Age Mesopotamian shepherds. I’ve held my weeping mother in my arms as she grieved my eventual demise and eternal damnation. I’ve clenched my jaw as I tried to negotiate the fraught and razor-thin path between lifelong alienation of my wife and in-laws on the one hand, and protection of my son from intellect-crushing indoctrination and the murder of curiosity and doubt on the other. I’ve held my tongue as business propriety and professionalism forced me to observe and let pass unaddressed blatant discrimination against free thought.

No more.

Fred Edwords of the American Humanist Association asserts, "Americans still feel it's acceptable to discriminate against atheists in ways considered beyond the pale for other groups." We must show all with whom we come in contact that such discrimination is not acceptable. We must resolve to make our numbers counted and our voices heard. We must come out. It is absolutely essential–in the same way it is essential for our LGBT brothers and sisters–to show our friends and family, colleagues and neighbors and strangers, that atheists are not the distant, indistinct “others” to be feared, but the children, parents, siblings, friends, and neighbors of all. We must live our lives loudly so that those peeking over the wall or sitting upon the fence that separates them from reason may draw upon our strength and resolve. To every single theist, we must replace the label with a familiar face. We must make it personal. Only then, when the true mass of those who have cast away delusion and cheap comfort is apparent, will discrimination against atheists be as backward and unacceptable as racism, sexism, and bigotry.

Emphases above added by yours truly.

This may be easier said than done for some; I live in the Bible Belt, too, and religion is so pervasive here it's just assumed that you're a believer until you tell people otherwise. I'm not sure what would happen at work if more than one or two other people knew I'm an atheist, but it probably wouldn't be good.

For what it's worth, I also agree with Edwords' assertion above. For example, even on an otherwise progressive website like this one, calling atheists "arseholes" not only doesn't get hidden by a jury, the hosts of the group where that was said--who I'm assuming could make the choice to hide or delete the post themselves--let that kind of name-calling stand, too. (I'm also of the opinion that other posters who've shown a consistent pattern of that kind of behavior who said similar things about theists would've been permanently ejected from that group or straight-up PPRed.) But that's not discrimination, no, sir, and anyone who thinks otherwise is just a whiny crybaby.

[Dan Ken]

1. Thanks for this link.

I think a lot of atheists don't bother to discuss the issue with the believer-folks, not out of shame, but as a way to avoid arguments, etc.

I have a few atheist friends, and a few friends who never bother with religion, never think about it because it makes such little sense to them, but they probably are not willing to "come out" as atheists; that involves a whoe lot of "heavy" thinking, for them.

[cleanhippie]

2. "No More!" That stance is being taken by more and more people everyday, and it's driving believers

Crazy.

One need only look as far as right here on DU to see the name calling, the intolerance, and the bigotry that the "no more" attitude has elicited from believers.

[LostOne4Ever]

3. I tried once

I tried to subtly come out with my lack of belief once.

My step-father made it clear that he would not accept that. He's overall a good person, but he does have his prejudices (as i would argue anyone growing up in the south in the 1960s would have). We have gotten on him about them and he has gotten better, but they are still there. Point is, he works his ass off in the oil field to provide for my mom (who has MS) and our family. When hes out working i'm at home taking care of her and he's at home while I work on my education.

I can not afford to cause such a rift between us over something that ultimately is inconsequential in my life. In the end, I fully believe he would come to accept me if I did (he once thought I might be gay and tried to let me know it was alright...though he was relieved to find out I wasn't), but not before a lot of arguments and hurt feelings that we can not afford at the moment. I have taken small steps here and there. My FB has me as an agnostic for instance, and they are well aware of my distaste for organized religion. When the time is right I will bring it up again. But not now.

I get why its important. But its also important that we do these things in the way that is right for us.

[ScottLand]

4. I agree with Matt Dillahunty that you shouldn't share it if it's going to put your life at risk

or your job. But I haven't tried to hide it, even though I live in Georgia. I was never a church-goer before I was an atheist so it was no big shock to my friends an family.

But I agree that only visibility will change people's perceptions of us, the same way it has worked for the gay community.

[Curmudgeoness]

5. I agree completely that it is important.

I am at the stage in life where I have no problem letting people know that I am an atheist. I always thought that it would be harder than it has been. I basically do not state "I am an atheist", since that one word freaks people out if you hit them with it. I choose to say that "I don't believe in god". It means the same thing, but it is not as in-your-face for some reason. People still want to argue or convince me that I am either lying or wrong, but I don't get into those discussions. It is just a fact. And these people now do know an atheist, and they know that I am not an ogre. I think it helps me to not have to put up with all the religious talk.

[Jokerman]

6. I'm out to family and friends, but not at work.

I already have enough trouble with one particularly vicious staff member who uses rumors, lies and back-stabbing to cover her own incompetence. No surprise that she's a fundy, married to a minister and has the boss completely snowed.

They wouldn't take any direct action against me because of my views but that's not the way they work. They would just make something up and I would be gone.

[onager]

8. And I'm pretty much the opposite...

My workplace (in Los Angeles) is great. I'm surrounded by non-believers. Including at least two of those rare birds, Atheistus Republicanii.

But...most of my immediate family is still in East Jesus-stan, along with a lot of my old friends. Quite a few of those people are preachers or missionaries, mostly Baptist. Very few know about my atheism. I usually go back there at Xmas, which is of course the Kentucky Derby of Xian self-righteousness, "War On Xmas" paranoia, etc.

I remember, several years ago, a relative saying: "I'd rather a child of mine be dead than lose their faith." Boy, that sure put a warm, happy glow on the family Xmas party for me. Fortunately, despite being surrounded/outnumbered by teetotalers, I had laid in a secret stash of Wild Turkey. That helped.

My mother is elderly (but still more active than my lazy ass, I hate to admit). By now, I'm sure she has a good idea about my lack of belief.

It helps that one of her closest friends, a man in the neighborhood about her age, has never had any use for religion and says so. This guy is interesting - sort of a Natural Atheist or something, I guess. If somebody is clearing stumps or digging a well, he's one of the first to show up and help. He says that's his way of "tithing" - helping his neighbors instead of putting money in the collection plate.

Heh! Last Xmas I was back there. Mom was reading the local newspaper and saw an ad for a performance by an Elvis impersonator.

She said, "I know that Elvis impersonator. He's a preacher, over at the Methodist Church. Wonder what his congregation thinks about that?"

I said: "All preachers are impersonators."

She just gave me a dirty look.

[Jokerman]

9. My father-in-law and his second wife are born-again southern Baptists.

They are almost completely estranged from "the heathens" in the family that he abandoned. One af the few times we've met in person she nearly had a case of the vapors when she found out that the congressman we support is a muslim.

My wife made the mistake of friending her on facebook where she immediately clashed with our political and religious views. After she posted a bizarre tirade on my wife's wall she was blocked from both of our accounts and we haven't heard from either of them since.

That's a great story about the Elvis impersonator. I have no doubt that preaching is just another acting job.

[Rob H.]

10. IME, born-agains are the worst, especially when they convert later in life

and the fact that they're Southern Baptist just adds insult to injury. They got born again into one of the most backwards, intolerant, regressive flavors of Christianity there is, imo. (I say that as someone who lives in the south and is surrounded by them.)

[Jokerman]

11. Yea, FIL is a real piece of work.

Abusive when he was around and then he left without ever paying a penny in support.

None of that matters now because gawd has forgiven him and washed away his sins.

How convenient that must be.

[AtheistCrusader]

19. West Side!

I think it's different out here really. I'm up in Seattle, and I can battle with co-workers to my hearts content in the debate and discussion forums, and as long as it doesn't eat into productivity, no harm, no foul. Always been an outspoken Atheist. Facebook, in person, etc. Makes no difference to me. Nobody's ever hassled me beyond the occasional attempts to convert me via 'logic', or the 'I'm still praying for you' blah blah.

Sometimes I feel bad for the religious friends that pray for me to find god. I hate to see a waste of time/energy as it is, seems doubly wasteful for them to pray about me.

It's never cost me a job, friendship that was worthwhile, or opportunity of any kind. Not once. Everyone sees me coming and knows exactly what I am. Where you gonna find fairer deal than that, huh? (h/t Carlin, paraphrase)

[progressoid]

17. As a self-employed person, I keep my politics and lack of religion mostly hidden.

It sometimes makes for boring conversation, but until I can afford to lose clients, I have to keep my mouth shut. I've made that mistake before and I can't afford to do it again. There just aren't enough open minded people out there.

[Jokerman]

18. When dealing with the public, neutrality is best.

I'm personally put off by any business that makes a point of telling me that they are "chistian". I'm actually less likely to trust anyone who wears their religion on their sleeve.

No point in alienating any potential customers.

[Arugula Latte]

21. That little Jesus fish on a business is like a giant "Stay Away!" sign to me.

[defacto7]

7. I am behind the idea 100%

But there is a time to be in people's face and a time to go the subtle route. There are also times to be cautious. Wars and battles are not always won by overt actions. On the contrary, most things in life are accomplished by thoughtful decisions and respect of other people. I don't mean respect for their beliefs necessarily but respect for the persons themselves and what they are able to grasp.

I put atheism in a totally different category simply due to its absence of a "thing". Religion is in your face because of its addition of a "thing". Because religion has to add something they wish to think it has to be defended and even promoted to exist. Atheism does not need to defend or promote because you can't defend or promote nothing.

As an atheist, I promote those things that advance humanity and life; those things do not require atheism but only require a human being. That being said, I would rather promote the causes and qualities that atheism allows me to understand, not atheism as a thing... because it's not a thing.

[Lordquinton]

12. Yet our abscence of a thing is a really big deal

We don't really care one way or another about someone's religion until it starts infringing on our lives, but we have to hide our selves because it will cause so much of an uproar, and disruption in our lives. It is like someone who is LGBTQ coming out, and the disturbance it causes is largely due to the same cause: religious beliefs.

It varies widely on where we reside in the country, some places it's not that important, some places it will cost you everything, and that is why we must all stand together on the issue, it's the one thing that transcends all boundaries, and even though it is a "lack of a thing" it is still a big issue, and people are facing death for it in other parts of the world, we have to keep it from getting that way here.

[defacto7]

13. Understood.

I don't mean we should hide, but there are those who have to decide whether they should protect themselves. If we can be "out" by all means we should be. If we are able and willing to stand for reason, we should. It doesn't mean we necessarily need to protect the word "atheist" but it does mean we need to stand for reality instead of myth and there are many ways people are able to do that.

[Lordquinton]

14. Much ado about nothing

it's not about the word, it's about us, and that our beliefs are just as important and valid as anyone else's. I must admit that I'm in the position where people close to me on't take it seriously and that I should pray with them to "humor" them, or "it wouldn't hurt, right?" The best way for folks who can't out themselves at home is to do it online, and see who else around them is out, we can build a virtual community to help find each other IRL.

Protect your self at all costs, and only the individual can really judge their own situation.

We deserve respect, and the only way that can move forward is if we respect ourselves.

[defacto7]

15. agreed!

[Lordquinton]

16. Hurray!

( ^_^)b

[Arugula Latte]

20. I'm hoping that as the non-churched demo grows, conditions will improve.

In some ways time is on our side. Younger people don't seem to be as tied to organized religion, and as the older generations die off, acceptance of non-believers will grow, just as acceptance of gays has. But, of course progress will take a long time and be much too slow.

[Gore1FL]

23. I applaud your open-minded approach. n/t

[frankingeneral]

24. I try

to be as open and upfront about my atheism as possible. I don't think anyone at my work knows, but I don't think they would care, and it has never actually come up. If it did, I certainly wouldn't hide it. But it's also easier where I live and work (NY/NJ), because we are relatively liberal and believe less than other parts of the country.

I was raised Catholic though, right through Confirmation (I was already a doubter at this point but at 13, it wasn't a conversation I was mature enough to have with my parents) as were most of my friends. My mom grew disillusioned with the church between sex scandals, politics in homilies and sending anti-abortion fliers home with my then-10 year old sister from Sunday school. So I think she's probably agnostic now, but any time my atheism comes up she is visibly uncomfortable and basically just brushes me off as if it's an insignificant and ludicrous opinion to hold.

My in-laws are even a little worse. They know I'm an atheist. My wife, who claims atheism, but waivers frequently between atheism and theistic agnosticism, guilted me into having a non-denominational reverend because her parents paid for most of the wedding and they were already upset that we eschewed the church. So what should have been a beautiful, atheistic ceremony with a few non-religious readings, presided over by a close family friend (an elected official statutorily authorized to perform marriages) ended up being a beautiful ceremony with a religious blessing. This was a compromise because my wife even tried to convince me to get married in the Catholic church which would have meant hours upon hours of pre-cana and pretending to believe in bullshit that I didn't believe in. I had to draw a line in the sand.

My in-laws are also already putting pressure on my wife, and in turn me, to Christen our baby when we have one, and my wife is on-board with this. My wife can't understand my objection to indoctrinating someone with a religion that thy have no choice over. If my child ultimately grows up and becomes a believer, I'd support them 100% as my child, but I refuse to indoctrinate them into a religion, especially Catholicism, immediately following their birth.

My friends, well they definitely know, but it never really is spoken about. And me, I'd love to be more in their face about it. I'd love to avoid Christenings or church wedding ceremonies, but ultimately, at the end of the day, I've made a personal decision that I'm not going to ruin or strain friendships by not being there for my friends for the special events in their lives.

And I guess that's the ultimate rub in it for me, I will always respect my friends' and family's beliefs and their willingness to have religion in their lives, even to the point that I get sucked into religion every once in awhile. Unfortunately, I don't ever feel the same respect for my lack of belief from anyone.