Seeking comments and criticisms

[ddickey]

Last edited Sat Jan 7, 2012, 02:34 AM - Edit history (1)

I'm not posting this simply to promote it; I am desperately craving some comments and criticisms to figure out what works or doesn't, what annoys people or doesn't, et cetera. I would appreciate any comments.

Here's a link (I'll warn you, some of the essays are long): http://nonobsense.blogspot.com/

[HopeHoops]

1. Okay, you do need to make a major revision.

Disclaimer: I have degrees in both mathematics and philosophy.

If you want your essay to be taken seriously, you'll have to revise it to use more appropriate language. "Shithouse" and "bullshit" don't fly in the academic realm and both are used in your first paragraph. While that's definitely accepted language on sites like DU, it detracts from the intended serious nature of your discussion. The general flow is good, but revise it and let me know when you've done so and I'll give it another read.

[ddickey]

2. Revised

I removed the questionable language.

I did seriously debate removing those words before I posted it but ultimately decided they worked within the context of my blog--most posts of which are populated by such words. I see that you're right, and that I should approach each essay I write free from the context of my blog, that I should allow each piece to stand on its own, and that I should adhere to the rules of the styles I adopt for each piece.

Since you're a philosophy major, can I ask you a couple questions--these do concern me?

Is it to a disadvantage that I expect people to take certain things on faith, so to speak, without providing an argument for certain assertions or propositions?; and, did you come across any misconceptions or inconsistencies?

I really do appreciate your help. It means a lot to me. I know no one with whom I can ask these questions or have these conversations. None of my friends have anything like an interest in this stuff, and I've had to work it out, to learn it, to figure it out on my own.

Again: thank you.

[HopeHoops]

3. It is not reasonable to expect people to take things on faith, only to ask that they do.

"Consider for a moment the possibility that (the thing you want them to take on faith). Should you venture to do so, there are (your arguments)."

[HopeHoops]

4. Okay, a few comments (in body of message)

Overall, your analysis is good but not original. I don't mean that as an insult. More to the point, think Orwell and "1984". There were those in our past who had a vision of the present and were able to extrapolate it to the future.

When you focus on the arguments in support of his position while explaining how much beyond his vision things have gone, the argument is strong and well buttressed by references. One major problem with the essay is the digression into political bias rather than a focus on the problem as a whole. Drop all of the references to contemporary figures such as Obama and Clinton. They aren't relevant to the discussion and will easily relegate your essay to the "librul talkin' points" category for many readers. The focus is not on what is going on now but rather on the trend over time.

Also keep in mind that most people will not know many of the references by mere mention. Either footnoting or supplying in-line links to the reference material helps to build your case.

Most importantly, with any writing, is editing by subtraction. If you can say it in ten words instead of twenty, do it. The essay is fairly long for what you are trying to say and the message becomes diluted with tangential threads of thought that aren't directly germane to the point you are trying to make.

I'm impressed with your skill and rhetorical technique. Please consider these criticisms to be constructive and not denigrating.

HH

[ddickey]

5. A quick response

First, thank you. This really does mean a lot to me.

I took your advice and added some in-line links. I think I can--and should--add a few more, but I'm pressed for time this morning, but I'll get to it later. I also took your advice and removed mention of Obama and Clinton.

I haven't had an opportunity yet to go through and weed out some of the tangential threads, though I completely understand what you mean. When I'm writing, I have the tendency to ramble on, and I have been trying to limit or to curb those tendencies.

I do deeply appreciate your comments and guidance and I didn't construe anything you said as insulting. Again, this means a lot to me. Would you mind if I harassed you every now and then, really just to pick your brain if I'm uncertain about something?

Again, thanks!

[HopeHoops]

6. Feel free to harass and pick. And you're speaking to the MASTER of rambling!

[ddickey]

8. Taking you up on your offer

I wrote a new one and I'd appreciate your opinion. I know there's a swear word and a crude jab in there. Overlooking that, and I know it's a big thing to overlook, could you assess the general argument for me?

http://nonobsense.blogspot.com/2012/01/dismissing-joseph-ratzingerpope.html

I appreciate all of your help.

[HopeHoops]

9. Quite well done. Nice argument and cleanly presented.

You don't need to worry about swear words in that one - the site title art advocates them.

[dem644555il]

15. +1

[ddickey]

11. About your degrees

Hello,

Can you initiate private messages? If so, would you mind dropping me a line? I have something blog related that I'd like to ask you.

[McCamy Taylor]

12. Disagree strongly. Are you trying to write a term paper? If so, axe the profanity.

Are you trying to write something that will engage the reader emotionally as well as intellectually? Then vary your style a bit. Throw in some colloquialisms. Insert a few bits of profanity where they will register most. Or some slang. Or some fragmented sentences. Be leery of the complex sentence structute they tried to get us to use in school. Sometimes the basic "noun verb object" is best.

[ddickey]

7. Posted a new essay

about Hungary--and Europe's future. If anyone here reads it, please let me know what you think. Thanks!

It can be found here: http://nonobsense.blogspot.com/2012/01/hungary-and-other-european-nations-in.html

[ddickey]

10. Essay about Afghanistan

As I said, any comments or criticisms would be appreciated.

The essay can be found here.

Thanks.

[Fearless]

13. An interesting read...

I hope my commentary can be of some value. My background is in education; I hold a BA in History and an Masters of Education.

I'm sure you're more interested in the critical comments I have to make, so I will dispense with the complimentary ones (although I promise they do exist).

The essay doesn't flow very well, particularly at first. It feels broken and fragmented and is hindered most especially by the large quantities of additional information added to clarify points. Comma's are not your friend in this essay. Think about your audience and include the content that is pertinent to their educational level. Add clarification when needed, but don't do it as often within the statements themselves. Try not to wall off as much clarification within the sentence with commas. I would advise that you make your points and add clarification as needed afterward as separate thoughts. Try to vary sentence structure. This is less of an issue after the first few paragraphs.

Personally I see the first two or three paragraphs as your weakest in terms of flow, structure, and readability. These first lines need to draw in your reader, and I think they're more likely to confuse them currently.

Additionally, sometimes plain language is the most effective tool to use. It seems at points that you try to make the language more difficult than it has to be... case and point:


"Of all people subjected to Taliban rule, none fared worse than women."

Sometimes simplicity is your best bet.

Perhaps... "No group subjected to Taliban rule fared worse than women."

The definitive tone of the latter sentence not only flows more naturally, but the reader will draw from it greater meaning in fewer words. This is always a good thing.

Overall, I would review the flow of the first two or so paragraphs. Then work on weeding out needlessly complex sentences and clauses.

[ddickey]

14. Thanks for the comments

I spent my life studying literature, specifically writers like Hemingway, Joyce, and Fitzgerald. For years, I wrote stylized prose. But I don't feel as though that style of prose works for what I'm trying to write now. Inadvertantly, my literary style has merged with logical rules, creating an awkward style, which I've been trying to address.