What black parents tell their sons

[bigtree]

from Dahleen Glanton at the Chicago Tribune: http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/ct-met-black-sons-20120324,0,5582018.story


March 24, 2012

When their son was about to enter his teens, Paul and Jeanne Miller, of Flossmoor, decided it was time to have the talk.

Because you are an African-American male, they told him, some people will make judgments about you and view you with suspicion based solely on your race.

Recently, as Jeremy, 16, was preparing to get his driver's license, his father told him what to do if he were ever stopped by police: Keep your hands visible on the steering wheel at all times.

And when he asked to take part in Assassins, a popular suburban game in which teens stalk each other with airsoft guns, his parents' answer was an unequivocal no, lest someone mistake the toy that fires plastic pellets for a real weapon.

The story of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin's death in Sanford, Fla., a suburb of Orlando, has struck a particularly sensitive chord with African-American parents such as the Millers, many of whom said they live with a nagging fear that their teenage boys could be harassed or attacked . . .


read more: http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/ct-met-black-sons-20120324,0,6192699,full.story

[cindyperry2010]

1. That is what the problem is

having to live in this society and tell your children that gives them the message they are not equal

[cindyperry2010]

2. and how sad and sick it is that this is the truth about america

[bigtree]

3. that they are not *perceived* as equals

. . . by *some*.

Racism and bigotry (all kinds) are going to be a fact of life; forever. At best, we can work to (hope to) enhance the dialogue with our children and direct our counsel to a more broad, positive reinforcement of the exercise of personal responsibility. I don't see any way around that in the foreseeable future.

[southernyankeebelle]

4. It saddens me that parents have to sit down and have "the talk" with their sons. What in

the hell has this country come to. I hope and pray the family of Trayvon Martin gets the justice they are looking for. This shouldn't happen to anyones child no matter what color. He was such a hansome young man.

[mzteris]

5. I frequently have that unfortunate talk

with my son. About how badly AA's are usually treated in the "real world".

As an African American being raised in a White household/world he hasn't been as exposed to the disparate treatment. He considers himself a PERSON with the SAME RIGHTS as everyone else. And WTH should HE be treated/perceived ANY DIFFERENTLY???

We've talked about other's prejudices, and how horrible it is that "young black males" are unfairly perceived by a racist (even an unconscious racist) public. But I don't think he REALLY "gets it".

His class recently spent this quarter on "stereotypes" and how that impacts people. How you perceive yourself vs how others perceive and treat you. He had to write a paragraph on what stereotypes he's been a victim of. Here are a few points he made:

"I'm a football player, so people think I'm stupid. I do ballet so people think I'm gay. I don't sag my pants and talk all ghetto, so people say I'm not black. Some people even tell me my name isn't black enough. I'm smart and I'm not homosexual, and I speak proper English. My name is what I'm called, not what color I am."

Unfortunately, it seems he is victimized more frequently by other African Americans in his middle school than he is by the (predominately) Whites & Hispanics he went to elementary school with. He doesn't comprehend the self-segregation. He says why can't people just like each other for themselves and stop putting labels on each other. Why does he have to "act a certain way" to be considered Black by the other AA's he goes to school with?

I do fear for his safety should he ever have a run in with the police. He won't "act" the way he's "supposed to" because he thinks he should be treated fairly. I've tried to explain to him - however unfortunate it may be - that he WILL be seen as a "young black male" and all the prejudices/experiences that policeman has had - will be a factor in how he's treated. That he must behave a "certain way" or risk being treated violently by the police.

We've not had an opportunity to talk about the Trayvon tragedy as yet. The timing hasn't been right to have that kind of protracted discussion. But we will. It'll be interesting to hear his perspective. Although, I'm hoping it will help him understand that the "world out there" will make snap judgements based on the color of his skin that - while patently false - will impact THEIR behaviour & how they treat him.

[bigtree]

6. his generation has the lead

. . . it will definitely be interesting to see and hear how he processes it all.

Thank you, mzteris for sharing that, So typical to hear from families which have racial ambiguities; none the less significant or less challenging to deal with these issues. All the best . . .

[Number23]

9. Does your son have any black family members or members of the community

that he is close to?

[mzteris]

12. Not many, unfortunately.

He has some AA friends at school, and the kids he plays football with, and two of his dance instructors are AA males.

Some of the football coaches are AA, but not his team coaches. (They're split into two different teams, but they all practice together.) I had requested that he be put on the team with the AA coach, but it didn't work out that way the first year. And the coaches he has now would die before they'd let him go to the "other team!" lol... (The rules each year are, you get to keep your own kids and two others from the team, the rest are up for the draft. My kid has always been one of the "keepers".) When he gets to high school, most of the coaches are AA so he'll have more AA male adults in his life then; however, he's only in 7th grade now with another year of middle school.

I wanted to look into the Big Brother program for him, but he wasn't keen on the idea.

[Number23]

13. I'm not trying to be intrusive at all

But based on what you've written, it really sounds as though your son may need some black (and particularly black male) figures in his life. Teachers may be a good start. Would be great if he had black male family members or people in his community as well.

[mzteris]

14. I agree.

There are no other black family members, tho. He's it.

Even if we were still in contact with his birth family, none of them are appropriate role models, if you know what I mean.

I'm not sure where else to look for opportunities to introduce more adult AA males into his life.

[Number23]

15. It's a difficult situation

And it's obvious that you love your son so much. But I just worry that as much as you may love him, he still needs to be prepared to navigate a world where so many will automatically consider him inferior and/or the enemy just because of the color of his skin. This is a huge part of The Talk that black parents have with their children.

I'm not sure where else to look for opportunities to introduce more adult AA males into his life.

It just makes me happy that you're savvy enough to even be LOOKING to have black role models in his life. You already mentioned Big Brother which he wasn't too thrilled about. May I suggest:

100 Black Men - http://www.100blackmen.org/home.aspx There may be a local chapter that may be doing something your son could be involved in.

The fraternal members of the National Pan-Hellenic Council (black fraternities) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Pan-Hellenic_Council

Every one of these frats may have chapters in your area, especially graduate chapters which may be able to have some activities your son may participate in. I really wish you and your son all the best.

[mzteris]

16. thank you so much

I'll look into these and see if there's anything like that.

I also just may call Big Brother anyway and see if I can get more information and then bring it up to him again.

[nofurylike]

7. thank you so much for posting that, bigtree. another headline article today:

this discussion of rules, codes has taken place on this forum in many threads.

now, this news and discussion is everywhere. may Mr. Martin be noted in history as the man whose murder brought this country most face-to-face with its indecently persistent and pernicious racism!!!

it is so very, very sad.


Trayvon Martin, my son, and the Black Male Code
By Jesse Washington
March 24, 2012

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-501363_162-57403873/trayvon-martin-my-son-and-the-black-male-code/

-snip-

After Trayvon Martin was killed, Al Dotson Jr., a lawyer in Miami and chairman of the 100 Black Men of America organization, told his 14-year-old son that he should always be aware of his surroundings, and of the fact that people might view him differently "because he's blessed to be an African-American."

"It requires a sixth sense that not everyone needs to have," Dotson said.

-snip-

Like Dotson, Stephney mentioned an ultra-awareness — "a racial Spidey sense, a tingling" — that his sons should heed when stereotyping might place them in danger.

-snip-

Faced with this information, I'm doing what any responsible parent would do: Teaching my son how to protect himself.

-snip-

*

Jesse Washington covers race and ethnicity for The Associated Press. He is reachable at http://twitter.com/jessewashington or jwashington(at)ap.org


###

[Number23]

10. Really great article. So damn depressing

"Fast forward 25 years later," Stephney said. "We've come a long way to get nowhere."

Sigh.

[nofurylike]

11. that line knocked the breath out of me.

yes, Sigh.

[Number23]

8. This kind of thing always makes me so damn angry

One of my favorite posters here, firedupdem (who no longer frequents DU) has talked about the talk she had to have with her sons which is pretty much identical to what these mothers and fathers have had to say to their sons.

I know there are some that are working overtime to pretend that this is a "Southern" problem. But any black mother and father will tell you, it doesn't matter what part of the country you live in, this is The Talk they all have with their sons when they come of age. The "Lets Talk about the World and Try to Keep you Alive in it" talk. It makes me want to scream.