It's been six years since I can tell I've been depressed...

[fujiyama]

I went on a hike last weekend with some friends. I felt great that day and even maybe a day or two later. But the depression is like a stalking horse (it reminds me of those horse in the Lord of the Rings). It just came and knocked me right back down again. By Friday I was back to my usual self - bitter and depressed as usual - on the inside of course. Seemingly minor triggers will kick me down.

I've had some incredibly negative thoughts recently. It has been this way for some six years and I can't address it. in ways I almost don't want to address it. It almost feels like I'd be falsely covering up the pain I am supposed to feel. In recent months, I feel like it has become much worse. It is seemingly ironic as I have a job that pays more than ever before. I have little debt. I'm surrounded by great friends, who I know actually care for me. I have family a call away.

But I feel increasingly like a zombie. I go to work. I socialize with friends. I fake a lot of smiles. I feel alien to this world knowing I'm unable to build any sort of real physical or intimate relationship which is probably all I want and it feels like something I just cannot have. I feel like I live in a bubble.

I really do not know how many more years I can go on like this. Like many that are depressed, the depression is the cart not the horse (wtf is it with me and horse analogies?). I know I won't do anything drastic anytime soon. I'll drag myself out through this misery day after day, watching months and years fade on a calendar. The world will move on. And I'll be in same (or worse) mental and physical state.

[Neoma]

1. Yeah...

I have depression kick me down, then I get really happy, then content, then semi-happy, then depressed, then both depressed and manic (hypomania), then depressed...Within the span of 2 hours sometimes. It varies with mood and time... So, I have no real knowledge of how I'll feel at any given moment. (Bipolar II.)

Someone told me once that depression is suppressed anger, turned into sadness. Get a punching bag and yell a lot? I have no idea if that'd work... But it's an idea. It'd get emotions out.

[intaglio]

2. Been 40 years since my first diagnosis

I've been through Freudians, group therapy and CBT, the last of which actually does seem to help me get through it. I tried Moodscope and it did assist me to recognise where I was in my pattern of depression. Been given various drugs including tricyclics, SSRIs, SNRIs and tetracyclics. For many of those years I self medicated with cigarettes but have been clean of that addiction for 7 years now.

At the moment I'm not medicated and seem to be functioning well. Yes, there are bad days and weeks but, mostly, the destructive habitual thought patterns appear to have been reduced enough, by my recognition of them, to let me function.

I like your horse visualisation of the beast, mine is like Churchill's "black dog", a Barguest haunting me, tracking me. Often I see myself as trapped in pit, slime on the walls, no light, no escape but that is one of those nasty, destructive thoughts - especially when I look for ways of destroying my prison because my prison is myself. I have managed over many years to look for the door, or the ladder or the thread that will lead me out of it.

Circular thought patterns (I can't do A because of B and that means I cannot do C because I can't do A) are also destructive and self defeating, but really they are a spiral inwards - try finding a way to take a spiral out and it will not necessarily be that same spiral you followed in.

Good things about depression:
1) You are likely more intelligent than the average and more likely to be an original thinker;

2) You can spend hours on the minutiae of problems and life, I remember how much time I spent (almost said wasted, bad thought - go to the doghouse) at the computer, or painting models thus avoiding my problems;

3) When things do get good you will start to feel them more intensely than the non-depressed - honestly.

Be good, be careful, try and take some comfort from those who have stumbled through their own darkness

[EFerrari]

3. Have you ever tried thought stopping?

A friend suggested it to me years ago and it's helped me out a great deal.

When you notice your thoughts getting compulsive and negative, say "stop it" out loud. I also visualize a stop sign although, I don't know if that helps. It works and the more you use it, the better it seems to work. I've been able to short circuit most of the negative "chatter" that way which is a big relief. Best, it's simple and it's free and you can do it for yourself.

[mdmc]

4. recovery is the knowledge that tomorrow can be better

courage my friend..