Messed up again today...

[hunter]

... had a dream last night I was back in university trying to do the right thing.

Even knowing what I know now I still fucked up. Badly.

Damn it! Bloody Hell! This is MY DREAM! Fuck all when it doesn't go my way.

Someday I will get this puzzle right.

Melancholy.

But I did manage to make a little bit of nice that will eventually leak into my art, maybe change people.

I did not volunteer for this. I think I was drafted.

Yes, I do know this sounds like picking at ingrown hairs obsessive or manic.

What's a few useless hours of mine to anyone else?

I smile, I move on.

[hermetic]

1. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

There are people here who care about you.

I graduated 30 years ago, I still have the occasional stress dream about forgetting to go to class or some other mistake. Meh, it's just a dream. Have you ever looked into lucid dreaming, so that you can tell yourself you are dreaming during the process? That could help.

Keep smiling, and doing your art.

[hunter]

2. Intellectually, I know a huge amount of my problems are OCD.

It may even start with that.

OCD --> Major Depression --> disrupted sleep patterns --> away I go on my downwards spiral.

I'm not in the downward spiral place yet, at least I hope not, not in my Depressed OCD dark place, but man, I woke up at least five times last night from dreams (REM sleep) that were going in a very bad direction.

What's different now is I can break out and go right back to sleep.

My off-my-meds dysfunctional self either gets trapped in a nightmare I can't escape from, or else I wake up and can't go back to sleep, obsessive thoughts racing through my head.

I used to get out of bed and run long distances whenever that happened, which sometimes resulted in interesting early-A.M. encounters with the police, and eventually wore out my knees and hips. It hurts too much to run now.

Part of it is in the air I think. I live in an agricultural community in California and this drought has people scared. Winter is supposed to be wet here, starting around the end of October. The hills are supposed to be green by now but they are still brown.

I was born in California and have lived here most of my life. My great-grandparents were dairy and cattle people. A few roads around here have family names on them -- 19th century cousins.

This weather ain't right.

[siligut]

3. I agree, give yourself a break

This is never discussed when assessing PTSD, but part of the problem, part of what the conscious mind refuses to accept is itself during the trauma. We have an image of who we are and severe situations can challenge that image.

It is OK to expect a lot from yourself, that is a tendency of great people, but also understand that you are a human animal and you will fuck-up sometimes.

Blocking/suppressing what your mind wants to share with you is wreaking havoc on your body/neurotransmitters.

Is there anything that you can do about the drought? Is what you are experiencing anger and sadness? I am pretty sure some people believe in god just so they can be assured that the people who are ruining our planet will be punished.

Have you tried lucid dreaming? During a stressful time in my life, I found it empowering.

[mopinko]

4. sounds like apnea to me.

there are characteristic dreams that people have, and i have this one myself and always put it in this box. always some sort of struggle that you can't get out of. just reflecting your body.
i have some neuro-apnea, and it is usually during rem sleep. cpap is very little help, but it does keep the dreams at bay for the most part.

sleep is all. get to the bottom of it.
feel better my friend.