The perfect bad ending to the perfect bad day.

[Denninmi]

Went to a once a month support group meeting at the hospital where I "vacationed" in September. My nurse/case manager was there, it was great to see her.

But there was another nurse there I hadn't seen before. As people in the group spoke, when it was my turn I told about my weight loss, joining the gym, working with the personal trainer and the weight loss group, and about coming to work out on my own. I am thrilled I am doing this for myself. And I see a ton of "regulars" who are there all of the time when I'm there working out,

This nurse asked me if it wasn't hypomania? Was I sure it wasn't?

What the fuck? Are all of these people bipolar too? Are they all in manic or hypomanic states? This club is enormous, there are hundreds of members there at any time, it's even busy very early in the morning.

Are they all mentally ill, or are they just people who value their health and choose to live an active lifestyle?

Why does it have to be a sign of mental illness for me to do exactly the same thing hundreds of other people are doing?

This is one big reason I chose NOT to tell anyone about the ml ' entire crisis -- I don't want everything I do questioned "is it a symptom of his mental illness?"

Why can't it just be me being me?

I'm three months into this thing, and I'm already damned sick of it. I just want my life back, the way it was, before I was "defective" in the eyes of the world that knows.

[libodem]

1. keep moving like you are

The exercise really does help depression. I was a vague, bizarre mess the other day. It was a long story. And I got a lot more wound up over it than I had ever expected to become.. I need to get a life.

[AndyTiedye]

2. Keep It Up!

This nurse asked me if it wasn't hypomania? Was I sure it wasn't?

So what if it is? There is controversy over whether or not it is even a problem.

Some, such as Johns Hopkins psychologist John Gartner, argue that hypomania is better understood as a stable non-pathological temperament rather than an episode of mental illness[3] The DSM however clearly defines hypomania as an aberrant state, not a stable trait.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypomania
The DSM can be full of it sometimes, e.g.: An earlier version of the DSM clearly defined homosexuality as an aberrant state.
We know better nowadays.

Exercise is very good for you and it obviously makes you feel better.

Our bodies were meant to move. A lot. Forcing ourselves to sit still too much of the time effs us up in a whole lot of ways.


I am not a doctor. I am speaking from personal experience here.

I'm going for a nice long swim now (a couple of miles or so).

[Denninmi]

4. I wonder what the difference is between hypomania and positivity/productivity?

What I mean by this is there are a lot of "normal" people out there who are go-getters, achievers, who push themselves and really succeed in life.

I'll use President Obama as an example. He came from not the best background, and had a few roadbumps as a teenager. And he overcame and has done profound things with his life. Harvard scholarship, editor of the law review, community activist, state senator, wonderful wife ( ok, you know I'm smitten from afar with the First Lady) and kids. And in a few short years he went from a state senator to a U.S. senator to one of our best and most successful Presidents of the modern era during an extremely grave economic crisis and under extraordinarily difficult political circumstances. The man just got re-elected with a significant electoral majority at a time when many said it couldn't be done, and a major factor was his political brilliance.

Surely no one would suggest that the President has a mental illness? He is just a brilliant man with killer instinct.

I'll make this analogy to explain my point - say our moods are a thermostat with a range from 50 to 90 degrees. 70 is the halfway point. Let's say that someone like the POTUS is permanently set at 80, no fluctuations or at most a degree or two up or down. Let's say someone with chronic major depression is permanently set at 52 degrees. Bipolar is someone who constantly fiddles with the thermostat - 88 one day, 54 the next. A rapid cycling bipolar person fiddles with it every half hour, up and down, up and down. Someone in a mixed state turns the thermostat to 87, and then opens all of the windows in January to let the freezing air into the house.

So, let's define hypomania as 75 to 85. It can be set there for a long time, but there is always the possibility they'll become manic and bump it to 89, or depressed and turn it down to 53.

But while they're in the hypomanic zone, which can last a long time, what is the practical difference between them and a "normal" person set in the same temperature range?

[AndyTiedye]

6. Is it a Bug or a Feature?

More from the Wikipedia article:

John Gartner's book The Hypomanic Edge[9] claims notable people including Christopher Columbus, Alexander Hamilton, Andrew Carnegie, Howard Zinn and Louis B. Mayer owe their innovation and drive, as well as their eccentricities, to hypomanic temperaments.[page needed] Gartner suggests that the constructive behaviors associated with hypomania may contribute to bipolar disorder's evolutionary survival.[page needed] Critics charge that Gartner vastly overstates his case, however.[10] Followed in his analysis people like Theodore Roosevelt, Henry Ford, Steve Jobs, Bill Clinton,[11] Charlie Sheen,[12] Rahm Emmanuel[13] and Mark Zuckerberg.[14]

Maybe you want to get Gartner's book.

I will reiterate that I am not a doctor (neither was that nurse), and all I know about you is gleaned from a few posts on this board (and she had even less information than that).

The one theme through all of them is that exercise (bicycling or the gym) improves your mood.
That would be reason enough to keep doing it, regardless of any labels they want to put on you.
I wouldn't be surprised if it helps you sleep better as well.


It ended up being somewhere upwards of a 3-mile swim this morning.

[Denninmi]

11. Hi.

I want to come back to this one later when I have more time. Sorry about what happened with your ex.

[Tobin S.]

3. You were miserable before you were diagnosed, Dennis.

You may not be happy now, but you have a better chance of being so if you keep moving forward. When people are recovering from a mental illness, things don't usually get completely better all at once. You'll need to work at it as well as taking care of yourself.

[Denninmi]

5. I'm not going backward, now or ever.

Yes, I am temporarily pretty miserable. Bawled my eyes out a couple of times yesterday. But it is temporary. I'll deal.

After this meeting, I went out to my car and left the voicemail to the former pdoc I hate and blame for dramatically worsening my problems. I didn't go overboard into a tirade, I thought out beforehand the most appropriate thing to say. I said that I was canceling the pending appointment and not rescheduling. I said that if there was any outstanding balance to mail me an invoice and I would pay it immediately. I said that I was not interested in any further treatment from her, and that I was permanently terminating the doctor-patient relationship. Finally, because her message says all calls will be returned within 24 hours, I said that I did not require a callback.

Yes, I'll deal, I'll channel it into moving forward.

What hurts is this -- I joined up at a facility called Lifetime Fitness. It's not some strip mall gym with a few dozen machines in a little storefront. This place is enormous, it has literally just about any fitness activity you could think of with the exception of a few team sports like baseball, football, hockey. I have no clue how many members this place has, but based on the size and completeness of the facility, it must number in the 10's of thousands. Even the parking lot is enormous, and it's usually packed.

And this us an enormous company, they have hundreds of these in metropolitan areas across the US. Total membership must easily be in the millions.

I see people of every age, ever race, every fitness level from guys and women who look like they could compete in the Olympics, to some very overweight, out of shape people who are trying hard to fix it.

What REALLY hurts is this - society judges all of these millions of people as winners who chose an extremely healthy lifestyle and reap enormous benefits from it.

I do the EXACT SAME THING these millions of other people do, and I'm told it's a sign that I'm mentally I'll.

One of the few positives in a life that was pure Hell, a fucking miserable psycho father that hated me and had it in for me so much he pointed guns at me, and these motherfuckers have to take it away from me and tell me there is something wrong with it and with me for doing it.

Where is the justice in that?

And yes, I'm messed up right now, I'm crying so hard right now I can barely type this out. Bur fuck that and fuck them, they are not going to ruin this for me and take this away from me. They can all go fuck off.i

I'll deal. That's what a man does. Because I'm damned sick if being treated like a mentally defective teenage boy who doesn't know a damned thing.

[libodem]

7. I spent almost all of last year in my bed

I quit my meds and burrowed in. I went to a different medical facility. We tried Amatriptyline.I went to that after the SSRI, trial. I couldn't stand it. SSRI's do something bad to my insides. I retched, felt nauseous all the time, I pooped 6-7 times a day. I stayed on it 2 years waiting to adjust to it. I'd been having troubles at work and cried in the Dr's office. Celexa was his answer.
I can't tolerant the depression drugs. I'm now on disability and depression is part of it.
I started arthritis water classes at the Y this summer.
3 times a week. I stared feeling much better. Started going 45 minutes down to my deceased mothers home to wash walls and paint. I did it from July to October. I quit exercising cuz I was working pretty hard and sweating off the pounds. I accomplished some improvments but when I couldn't push anymore I fallen back to staying in bed. My experiment making friends in GLBT was a total fail and bit me in the ass. Kicked back the feeling of being a little kid who doesn't have the right clothing or circumstances to be accepted by the cool kids.

[Tobin S.]

8. Take it easy, man.

Getting into shape is not a symptom of a mental illness. Whoever told you that was either off their game or a complete moron. That's the way I'd take it. It was insensitive as well. People who don't really understand mental illnesses working in a mental health field are a big problem for mental health patients. That's why there's a group like NAMI, and probably a few others, who advocate for mentally ill patients.

One thing that used to infuriate me, and it sounds like it has had that effect on you, is people who assumed that I was stupid or weak when they found out that I had a mental illness. It really tweaked me when I was clearly smarter than the person who was doing that to me. The best way to combat that is to do something smart, and I know you've got some intelligence about you. You are also new to dealing with mental health professionals. Do not be afraid to challenge them when you feel like it's needed. Make them earn their money. They are the professionals, but they can screw up to. And I see you've already had a taste of that. You did exactly the right thing regarding your former psychiatrist.

Here's what to look for when dealing with mental health professionals: Do they respect you? Do they respect your intelligence? Do they respect your feelings? Are they compassionate? Do they respond with different treatment when something isn't working? They are working for you and they have your mind in their hands. They are there to make you feel better and to make you healthier. If they aren't doing those things, or in the process of doing them, then they aren't doing their jobs and you should respond accordingly.

[Denninmi]

10. I need someone to call the Oakland Co., MI Sheriff Dept. I'm clearly a "Danger to Self"

I'm about to enter a large public facility with numerous potentially dangerous objects. God knows what I could do in my present state of mind. All kinds of possibilities for self-harm. Squats, bicep curls, free weights, elliptical machines, stationary bikes, treadmills, resistance bands. Better have them come cuff me and haul me off for a three day in the psych ward befor I spend 30 minutes doing cardio.



talk about mixed messages!

I am told by the hospital therapist, who I think is excellent at his job, that the keys to my survival are to tell the world to go fuck off and to have a positive attitude.

I tell the world to go fuck off, and I have a positive attitude, and I'm told it's clearly a symptom of mental illness.

What the fuck?

I'm beginning to wonder what this is all really about in the aggregate "big picture"?

I never considered the alternative medicine naturopathy adherents much beyond a misguided fring element. But now I wonder if they don't have some validity when they say the medical system is designed to keep people sick and dependent.

Multiple suicide attempts, multiple inpatient and outpatient hospitalization billed at thousands of dollars a day. Psychs that charge $250 an hour and therapists that charge $100. $1030 for 30 Abilify tablets. And if the Abilify doesn't work, there is always Welbutrin or Effexor or whatever else comes down the pipeline on patent.

What the Fuck indeed.