How do you know when it's time for your spouse who has dementia, to be
placed in a nursing home for people with dementia?? My husband is in a memory care facility for 20 days at which time it’ll be decided if he should stay or come home. I just don’t know how to feel……..he doesn’t know his phone number, who’s president, or what day it is. He’s got trouble with his bowel, he’s incontinent and he uses a walker. He’s been home all this time, and I guess I didn’t realize how hard I worked to have him at home. I just don’t know if he should come back home………I am leaning toward full time placement at a nursing home for him. Hope we make it financially……lotsa barriers if we make to much money……I just don’t know what to do. I miss him so much at home, but I really don’t know if I can handle all the work keeping him here again.
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My MIL kept my FIL at home with his Alzheimers until he passed. Even with my SIL living there and my aunt (who’s a retired nurse) staying with them the last 6 months, they needed more and more assistance as he slept little, lost mobility, bowel/urine function/diaper changes, and communication ability.
Yet there were times he was lucid and knew who everyone was and could discuss things that had happened in his past, discuss his school planning, answer questions, and sing songs. He would have crying bouts over everyone lost in the wars. His wartime memories weighed heaviest on him. He had been a military photographer.
Music seemed to immediately break through to him. Changing him and the bed when there was an accident was probably the most difficult task which needed to be done several times a day. Bathing was another difficult task that hospice or home health nurse came in to help with 2-3x /wk. He wasn’t heavy, it was just him not being able to cooperate or fighting when they were trying to move him.
It’s so hard deciding what to do, and the caregiver deserves care as well. I think it would not have taken such a toll on my MILs health (she was 83 at the time) if they had moved him to assisted living or took advantage of respite stays, but she flat-out refused. When Dad was still mobile, she insisted on keeping up their traveling since they both enjoyed it, but there were times he wandered off, once in the Atlanta airport. She got him an engraved bracelet with her contact info. She kept him moving and on outings until he became bedridden.
On the other hand, if he had been in assisted living full-time, she and my SIL may have missed out on some of his lucid moments - the last one which lasted several hours - was about 2-3 days before he passed.
You may want to check into the respite care possibility or home health help if you do decide that home is the best place for him.
Sending love and prayers your way.
but my spouse is at home. If you don't mind my asking, how did your husband get to be in the care facility? I'm trying to figure out how to get my spouse into a care facility without her cooperation. She will not go willingly. I just can't take care of her 24 hrs. a day, cook, clean, do laundry, take care of the dogs, and keep up the yard at 74 yrs. old. My spouse has no memory, either short or long term, and can't help around the house. She gets very agitated when someone, other than the two of us, is in the house. My doctor has suggested, at minimum, getting her into a day care facility a couple of days a week, which would leave me free to do things I want/need to during the day, or just rest. She wouldn't have to go every day, but at this point she refuses to go even for a day. At this point, it just may have to be a 24hr. care facility.
One of the most concerning things that my doctor brought up is my inability to lift her when she falls, or get her in and out of the car, etc. (I have severe arthritis.) I've already had to call an ambulance twice in the last two months to get her up and take her to the hospital because of minor injuries from falling. Doc says that her falls will become more frequent, and she sometimes becomes combative when I try to pick her up, dress her, or help her move from one place to another. I suppose that you have to make your decision based on how exhausting it is to take care of your spouse. I know it's exhausting, especially when it's an all day every day situation. If you do bring him home, you might try in-home care help. But, if you place him in a facility nearby, you can go see him as often as you like. The care facility basically just takes on all of the exhausting work. Keep in mind that what ever happens, you have to take care of yourself. Try talking to your doctor about your situation, and tell him/her everything about your physical abilities, mental state, and monetary and family situation. i hope everything goes a well as it can for you. I know that it's a very difficult situation. 
Good luck.
disabled husband. I'm fortunate to be a computer analyst who can work from home. My husband has severe COPD on oxygen 24/7, seizures, loss of mobility from a broken hip in 2023, and episodes of dementia that happen sporadically. I worry the dementia will become more frequent and I won't be able to manage. His neurologist claims the seizures have caused brain damage that is responsible for dementia and memory loss. After he broke his hip last year he went to a rehab facility within a nursing home. He absolutely hated it and was actually abusive to the staff. I was shocked. He was never like that at home. They tried their best, but he would not cooperate. When I brought him home he was his usual, kind self.
I'm relieved to hear your husband sounds like a happier patient. Do what keeps both of you safe. People with dementia can accidentally injure themselves and their caregivers. Praying for both of you. I know how hard it is to be separated from your partner. Take care, sending you hugs
It’s difficult but you know what must be done. You can visit as much as you want and they will be able to take of him in ways that are becoming too difficult for you. Sending prayers for both of you.
He called me and asked for advice, guidance. It was a painful conversation but he had done everything for my sister, was the best partner she could have ever had--loving, kind and extraordinarily gentle. Still, he was at the end of his rope. The moment came when the disease was simply overwhelming. He had help but any help is temporary in nature and my sister had become violent and really a 24/7 project. There was little sleep, constant threats and just endless chaos.
I told him that he would do my sister no favors if he fell apart physically or emotionally. She was definitely at the stage where a facility geared toward late-stage Alzheimer's was appropriate, necessary for her well-being and his.
He found a facility about 30 minutes from their home which meant he could visit everyday, nearly 'round the clock. She was well taken care. She died 10 days later.
I've been a caretaker. I know how unbelievably difficult it is, how utterly exhausting. I think for all of us in similar situations, we end up making a personal decision about the care we can give, maintain and continue which truly benefits the patient in our care and our own endurance.
It's really hard. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Just know that whatever decision you ultimately make, there are no judgments at the end. It's a matter of what's best for your husband as well as yourself.
Sending blessings in your direction.
..you're going through this. I kept my.mother for nearly 5 years as her dementia worsened. I finally went the memory care route when her incontinence and paranoid sundowning episodes made it unsafe for her to be at my home. I was utterly exhausted, guilt-ridden, and broken. In retrospect, I honestly wish I had done it sooner because I finally got to be her daughter again, instead of her 24/7 worn-out caregiver.
If your husband is receiving good care and settling in at the memory care, that is a gift. It can never be as good as you, but it can still be the best possible for now.
The one thing about dementia I had to come to terms with is that no matter how well I cared for Mom, I could not turn back time and put her pieces back together. There were simply too many missing. There comes a time that, as a caregiver, you must care for yourself as well, and let others help you.
I am sure your husband would want that for you. My sincere and heartfelt sympathy to you for all you are going through.
don’t feel guilty about it in any way or let anyone else guilt you out. There’s no shame in acknowledging when one needs help. Hope everything works out for you.
