Sex, Intimacy, and Being Gay

[theHandpuppet]

Sex, Intimacy, and Being Gay
by J Nelson Aviance
Posted: 08/21/2014

I started to write this piece a few weeks ago but have since had to start over. I had a conversation with my best friend and found I wanted to shift focus. All of this came about because I read a few pieces on this site and others about how women should have more sex with their husbands or why women may not want to have sex with their husbands. The fundamental theme was about intimacy and communication between partners. It made me think: When was the last time I read something in the LGBTQ media about sex as communication between partners? Maybe I'm not reading the right magazines. Perhaps lesbian-centered media talk more about it. Certainly I can't remember the last time I read anything about sex and intimacy in media focused on gay men. But why not?

As I thought about it, I came to the conclusion that gay male culture in general doesn't talk about intimacy between partners, or at least either not in the same way or not as often as happens elsewhere. There's plenty of talk about sex; we are a very sexually permissive group. But there are ways in which sexuality for gay men is complicated beyond fighting broad systems of oppression. There are ways in which that oppression, especially isolation and rejection from families, has damaged many of us. A therapist once asked me if I thought my relationships with the men in my family negatively impact my relationships with other gay men. I've thought about that a lot in the past couple of years, especially as I've more recently had a growing awareness of the extent to which my self-loathing is affecting every aspect of my career and search for a mate. Perhaps this estrangement from the men in our families makes it difficult for us to trust and to open ourselves to emotional intimacy. It certainly presents a pivotal developmental experience of rejection that could inspire the fears of rejection so many of us suffer from.

I don't mean to say all our problems date back to childhood, however much that may be true. Gay male culture has a strange attitude toward sex. I feel isolated at times by the choices I am presented with. I know from past experience that an open relationship doesn't work for me. I don't know if I think monogamy is the same for gays as it is for straights, but I think there is some value to making a commitment to someone to be sexually exclusive. It says something about how much you respect and value that person that you would eschew others for them. I have also experienced and seen too many scenarios where opening up a relationship has been about creating emotional barriers or been a way for a partner wanting out of the relationship to cause it to fail. I've seen the chaos involved in relationships where partners decided to be open, and I've watched the hurt and anger fester in other relationships where two people decided to stick together in spite of jealousy and self-doubt caused by being open. It isn't that I'm saying open relationships can't work long-term, just that I've never seen them last. If that works for you, then I wish you the best and hope you have many happy years.

But, returning to my point, sex seems central to intimate and romantic relationships. If it is a means of intimate communication, and communication is the secret to a lasting and healthy relationship, why don't we gay men talk about it that way more often? When I'm online I see a lot of guys claiming to want more than casual encounters. But we're men, and men are socialized to want sex, so there's often the caveat of having fun while waiting for Mr. Right. That's in some of my profiles too. But this seems to follow the trope of sex as sport or separating emotion from sex and just having fun. But do I really want to have sex with someone I don't even really like? And how do we refocus sex from fun to intimate communication between partners once we find the right guy?....

MORE at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/j-nelson-aviance/sex-intimacy-and-being-ga_b_5693464.html

[Behind the Aegis]

1. Wow!

This person seems to have tons of emotional baggage and is making some (offensive) leaps of logic based on...hell, I don't even know. He almost sounds sex-phobic. Why is it so many gays and lesbians wish to define our sexuality by hetero standards?! We aren't straight! I had to read the piece twice and still didn't see a single thing which clarifies what he believes to be "intimacy." He seems to be the one unable to define it, therefore, makes these strange claims and allegations.

Like "Slate", the "Huffington Post" seems to really be "hit or miss" when it comes to their choices of GBLT opinions.

[theHandpuppet]

2. Yeah, I was hesitant to make any comments on this one

The cowardly way out, I guess, but I decided I'd rather hear from others because this was one of the stranger opinion pieces I've read.

[MNBrewer]

3. SO much is wrong with this article in my view.

1. It's essentially yet another in a recent string of "when will gay men grow up?" articles in the supposedly gay-friendly press.

2. "I don't mean to say all our problems date back to childhood, however much that may be true." In other words, I don't really want to say this, but I just did.

3. "It isn't that I'm saying open relationships can't work long-term, just that I've never seen them last." Well, you know what? I've never seen a sexually closed relationship last long term, but I have seen PLENTY of sexually open relationships that have. I have even been in one that lasted for 14 years.

4. "And how do we refocus sex from fun to intimate communication between partners once we find the right guy?" Because once we find Mr. Right sex should stop being fun and start being serious and fraught with MEANING.