I have a question about the preferred use of names for someone who is in transition

[Orrex]

I apologize for any clumsiness in this post that comes across as rude or insulting.

When speaking with someone who is either in the process of or has completed transition, what is the preferred way to use that person's name from prior to the start of the transition?

I recognize that this is my own ignorance, but I'm concerned about saying something stupid and inadvertently hurtful.

Please feel free to PM me if you'd rather not answer openly.



Thanks for any guidance you can offer.

[MillennialDem]

1. Always use the new name and new pronouns, even referring to the past.

[Orrex]

2. Well, that's me over-thinking it. Thanks for making it a lot easier!

I've PM'ed you a follow up question.


Thanks again!

[Ms. Toad]

3. As a general, public rule, that is a good default

In real life, with people you interact with, it may be different.

I haven't had the discussion with my foster child. It just hasn't come up. With my closest friend, I use her current name and pronoun - based on the nature of our relationship (high school sweethearts), and the role her being a trans* woman and me being a lesbian who thought I was heterosexual at the time played in our relationship (even though both were unspoken at the time). With others, she says, "John doesn't work here anymore," but that doesn't erase 5 decades of life - some of it relatively public - with her gender expression being male. It is important for her - in some settings - to be connected with her past.

Another friend, who is the most insistent trans* friend I have on getting her name and gender right, is still called "dad" by her daughter.

But as I said, a good default (particularly if you don't have a personal relationship with the individual) is to use the current name and pronoun for everything.

The important thing is to be respectful, if you make a mistake or guess about preferences regarding the past to try to correct it, and if it is someone you know to ask questions about their preferences. Having the intention, and trying, to be respectful counts for a lot.

[Fearless]

4. Just ask them.

Or if you don't know them, ask those who do. Or if it's a third party, do research to figure out how to be respectful of their person.

[Orrex]

5. Thanks!

I'm actually attempting that third option right here and have received great information asxa result.

Thanks again!