Life in a closet
This picture was taken in the 1980's
Thats me and my "girlfriend", we both had professional jobs, we lived together in separate bedrooms, we were seen in public together we went to each others events together out our work places, everyone thought we were the perfect couple. Theres only one problem, I am Gay and she is a Lesbian.
Yes we both lived in the same closet (and on occasion shared each others clothes). We would go on double dates with couples only to invite them home for drinks & then we would pair off m/m f/f to our separate bedrooms for the night. This was the worst time of my life! I was living a lie and it ate at me on a daily basis, and we did this for years.
We did what we did to survive, yes at the time we could have come out of the closet but our careers would have been ruined coworkers lost (I worked in State Government, She worked in the Federal Government). This was in Miami, you would have thought it would not have mattered but it did. I was also ashamed to be known as a Gay man. Being Gay had a very negative connotation to it with the A.I.D.S. epidemic & the heterosexual world. People were ignorant and afraid (a deadly combination).
I stayed in the closet for a couple of more years into the 1990's when I was liberated (I'll save that story for another time).
Life in a closet is NOTthe answer. Times have changed since then and hopefully the young of today will listen to the one's that have traveled down this road not so many years ago. Be out! Be proud! fight for the right to be who you are and for the one's of us that are left be rest assured, We'll be right there with you.
Also be assured anyone who stumbles upon this Group looking for answers to questions you might have about your sexuality, welcome friend.
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Last edited Wed May 23, 2012, 03:25 AM - Edit history (4)
Podunk, Mississippi and for the next ten years mostly chased straight men (because there were no openly gay men available). My sex life was dismal to non-existant. I once had a gun pulled on my by a deservedly furious wife (she had caught her husband and me in bed), seduced various "straight" friends and in my lowest moment had sex with my best friends husband when she was 7 months pregnant with my godchild. It came out a couple of years later and we worked through it but it was the toughest time of my life. The point of all this is that I was living a lie, in the closet and pretending to be what I'm not and I hurt many, many people. I also hurt myself emotionally.
In 1988 at the age of 34 I moved to Jackson (a city with 1 gay bar), met my guy within a year (at that gay bar on a Monday night no less) and the rest is history. I've been out, openly for the last 23 years in rural Mississippi and no-one gives a shit.
Like you said "We did what we did to survive." And survive we did. 
But you can't do it hiding in the closet.
BTW: you guys look really natural together
My story is similar, but to a lesser degree. I am younger than both William and Rowdy by a bit and the atmosphere was much more welcoming by the time I came out than it was in the 90's, or before.
I grew up in a strict Catholic, church on Sunday's, family. I went to Catholic school through 8th grade. The only reason I didn't go to a Catholic high school is that my father had lost his job about the same time and we couldn't afford it. In many ways I was grateful later for that.
Growing up I didn't have the slightest idea what I was. I didn't know what gay was; family and school never spoke of it. (Sex-ed in sixth grade was remarkably devoid of anything even remotely useful now that I think about it.) All I knew, as I reached 13-14ish was that I was different than everyone else. Everyone. And, I didn't know how. All I realized is that I thought guys obsession over girls even into high school was utterly stupid. I only knew one gay guy in high school. It was a very conservative town, as New England goes at any rate, and there weren't many gay guys out, even in a school of several thousand. Certainly no one in the administration was supportive. Old religion after all.
I kept to myself a lot in high school. That's not to say I didn't have "friends", actually I got along with a lot of people. But it was perfunctory and little else. At the same time that guys started pairing off with girls, I sort of ducked out of the social sphere. At the time, I was starting to understand a bit about myself and who I was. Oddly enough perhaps, most of my self discovery stemmed from being a teenager and having an internet connection... porn. I realized that I really only cared about the guy, this being straight porn at the time.
For that to be shocking to me was an understatement. Over the last half of high school I started to come to terms with myself and who I was--and who I wasn't that my family thought and wanted me to be. College helped me break away from my family and their values. I moved about two hours away from my parents and went to school at the state university. Liberal playground. And, I loved it. Going there confirmed how I felt about myself, that even though I felt different that how I felt wasn't wrong and was perfectly normal. And, of course, I started dating.
I'll spare you the mess that was my life as I started down this road. I suppose it rings true for everyone, gay or straight (etc.), that I picked people very poorly at first and wasted my time with several incompatible people. Such is life I suppose. But, I realized what I wanted. Between 18 and 20 I came out to my friends. By 21 I was out at work and to everyone else besides family.
Family. Now that was an interesting issue. I knew that they wouldn't stop talking to me when I told them. I knew exactly what they would do. And did end up doing. My siblings didn't care, didn't bat an eyelash, were mildly happy for me I suppose. My parents ignored my "phase". My father looked for things that could possibly be medically wrong with me, suggesting wild stupidity like I was depressed, couldn't talk to girls and hadn't tried, and that I had low T levels (boy was he wrong about that!). Of course, none of his clutching at straws helped me any; it really just served to piss me off, because I knew by then who I was and who I wasn't. And I wasn't sick. Not a chance! I was, and am still, the happiest and most free I had been in my life.
I laid down the law. I told them that if they wanted to be part of my life that they had to accept the entire me and not ignore a large part of it because they disagreed with the "decisions" I had made in my life. I told them that if they choose not to accept me, that I would leave the offer open, but not pursue them. I would not try to make them listen. But, at the same time, I would not spend time with them. Not apologize for it. And, I would not betray who I am for the sake of their values. They can take me as I am or leave me well enough alone. And that's where they've stayed.
In the ensuing years I've gone into and out of a few good relationships, and into one long term one that I am very happy with currently. I speak to my parents when they speak to me, and in a perfunctory manner. I do not apologize for who I am and I do not hide my boyfriend. If they have a problem, they can start ignoring me too for all I care.
My advice to anyone who may be reading this or any of the stories that are or may be posted here is this: Do not change yourself to suit others. Be you. And only you. If you do this you will find happiness. Understand who you are and who you want to be. Grow as a person and choose a path that leads you to who you want to be. In terms of finding love, don't stress out over it. Don't settle. And don't worry about it. Just be you and you will find love on your terms. Doing so will lead to greater compatibility with your eventual partner, if your goal is a relationship. In short, be yourself and don't let anyone tell you to be anyone else.
