Satire: Have an Opinion About Bernie Sanders? Or Hillary Clinton?

[Yo_Mama_Been_Loggin]

I started several paragraphs down the article.

Let's begin with the most annoying American people ever born: Bernie Sanders supporters. Like them, I want free health care, a free vacation to Cuba, and free tuition to Ohio State. Unlike them, I don't go on and on about some old commie atheist Jew like he's the second coming of FDR. Shut up, Bern-feelers!

Berniemania reached its maximum annoying fever pitch when a shitty little finch landed on Bernie's podium during a rally in Portland. A bird! Landed! On the podium! In Portland! Fine, whatever, but people acted like it was a sign from God. This is it, Bernie supporters said. This means our guy is actually going to win. The Sanders campaign actually commissioned bird art, and tweeted it, and hashtagged it. I will quote the most annoying tweet from a supporter to get it out of the way: "Mother Earth recognizes a Warrior fighting for the Sacred Hoop of Life! We are the Rainbow People! #BirdieSanders."

This is what you want in charge of the United States of America, a great country founded by slavers? I'd rather vote for Darth Sidious than give hippie schmucks like that the satisfaction of victory. Bernie Sanders supporters have taken every online forum on every corner of the internet and have turned it into a screaming, sexless meeting of the Revolutionary Workers' Party. Their rhetoric stinks like stale keg beer and reads like yellowed pamphlets best viewed via microfiche. Let me quote an actual article written by an ostensibly unstoned person on the editorial board of the Nation:

"Sanders has used his insurgent campaign to tell Americans the truth about the challenges that confront us. He has summoned the people to a 'political revolution,' arguing that the changes our country so desperately needs can only happen when we wrest our democracy from the corrupt grip of Wall Street bankers and billionaires."

Come on, the Nation, you pinko scum! Despite what you and Bernie might think, the Nicaragua war is over. Central America is now an inexpensive hipster vacation spot, according to the magazines. No one is going to "wrest" anything from anyone in America, except for maybe an Oculus Rift at Best Buy on Black Friday. Besides, do you people really want a revolution? Did you SEE Doctor Zhivago? People like us, who get paid basically nothing to write for a living, don't fare well in a revolution. We are too sensitive and too beautiful. I, for one, have no interest in sharing my house with a gaggle of Bolsheviks. No way I'm getting exiled to Siberia and then dying of a heart attack on the street after faintly glimpsing the visage of my one true love through the dirty windows of a trolley car. That's what would happen in Bernie Sanders's America. I say no way. Nu-uh!

The Nation! Shut up!


http://www.thestranger.com/feature/2016/04/06/23911223/have-an-opinion-about-bernie-sanders-or-hillary-clinton-or-donald-trump-just-shut-up

[Her Sister]

1. Loving it! Enjoying it!

Thanks!

[BlueMTexpat]

2. Thanks, Yo_Ma!

I am chuckling as I write.

[BlueMTexpat]

3. This ...

Christopher Hitchens is, mercifully, dead, so we don't have to listen to his Spy Who Came in from the Cold paranoid nonsense about the Clintons. Andrew Sullivan has bivouacked to Provincetown, only occasionally emerging to blather with Bill Maher about the pope and to play himself in crappy Superman movies, where he sounds even more Orwell-manqué than he does in real life. Michael Moore continues to portray himself as Fat Progressive Jesus, here to save us from our original American sins, and Ann Coulter continues to fire off racist missives from her vampire cave. But they are just spoiled fish wrapped in back issues of the Atlantic. Fresh competition has emerged, pretentious voices multiplying despite scant demand, like food trucks selling "Asian-inspired cuisine."

Sample appetizer!

[SharonClark]

4. So funny!

[DemonGoddess]

5. bwahahahaha

[kjones]

6. "ostensibly unstoned person"

I like that...