3 funny satires about the Boardleaders' Coup to overthrow UVa President Sullivan

[JPZenger]

I'm barely worthy to provide the link to this magnificient work of satire, about the board of visitors coup against the highly popular President of the University of Virginia. Helen Dragas is the head of the board who appears to have led the coup, with the aide of 4 billionaires with too much time on their hands. (I'm not making that up).

A freedom information act request resulted in the release of many emails between the coup-plotters, which provided the raw material for this satire.

http://crookedtimber.org/2012/06/20/the-declaration-of-independence/comment-page-1/#comment-419009

by Kieran Healy

The More or Less Unanimous Declaration of Independence of the Board of Visitors

Excerpts:

"When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for a Board to dissolve the administrative bands which have connected a President with a University...it is best to do it secretly, quickly, and in the middle of the night...We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all Universities are endowed by their Donors with certain unalienable Goals, that among these are Strategy, Dynamism, and the pursuit of some sort of Online Degree delivered via the Interwebs,—That to secure these goals, Presidents are appointed, deriving their just powers from the half-baked ideas of idle Billionaires...

... it is our duty, to throw off such Presidents, and to provide new Administrators for my future security. Yours! I mean, Your future security... To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world:

■She has refused to listen to me when I sent her this US News & World Report article I read about how Technology is Transforming Education.

■She has refused to hire Consultants at extortionate rates, preferring instead to consult experts on her own Faculty—as if a University were the place to find experts of any kind, the very idea. Far better to hire a team consisting mostly of 22 year-olds from McKinsey, they know how to do those 3-D charts in Excel and have you seen their Powerpoints the transitions are cool I like the flame one the best.

■She has excited domestic insurrections amongst us—have you seen this crowd outside, Helen? It’s really quite large now...

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: i.e., by circulating emails amongst a subset of our group, exchanging links to some stuff in Wired Magazine about Stanford, and ginning each other up for her removal."

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"The More or Less Unanimous" refers to the fact that the head of the board tried to claim that the decision to remove the President was unanimous, even though it was made by only 3 of the 16 boardmembers.

The words "strategic dynamism" is from a billionaire from Connecticut who was one of the coup-leaders. He accidentally used "reply all" and sent out an email revealing his role and saying that a new President was needed who would practice strategic dynamism. No one knows what that is. He is the author of a book about the U.S. "Becoming China's Bitch."

To better understand the jokes in this essay or to participate in protests or discussions, check out this facebook page:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/United4Honor/

There will be a new rally on the Lawn of UVa in Cville on Sunday afternoon. A future rally is likely near the State Capitol building.

[JPZenger]

1. Here's a second satire, by a different author

http://cvillenews.com/2012/06/18/dragas-statement-translated/

This satire takes the actual text of a statement given by Helen Dragas, the Rector and head of the UVa Board of Visitors. It then translates that vague gibberish into what was really meant - in parentheses.

Excerpts:

"We certainly never wished nor intended to ignite such a reaction from the community of trust and honor that we all love so dearly.

(Who could possibly have anticipated that a second-rate Virginia Beach condo developer single-handedly orchestrating the firing of the president of the University of Virginia to satisfy the demands of a rich asshole would upset people?)

For that reason, let me state you – our U.VA. family – deserved better from this Board, and we have heard your concerns loud and clear.

(Boy. That escalated quickly. I mean, that really got out of hand fast.)

And we took this action only as a result of there being an overwhelming consensus of the Board to do so, and after all Board members were thoughtfully and individually engaged.

(Three of 16 members people voted on it.)

This is all to say that there is not one single person on earth whose interests we would ever put above those of the thousands of stakeholders entrusted to our care. Not one President, not one administrator, not one faculty member, and certainly not one donor.

(Just totally making shit up at this point.)"

[JPZenger]

2. Professor Grades the UVa Board - an entertaining and substantive piece

http://www.danielwillingham.com/1/post/2012/06/a-grade-for-uvas-board-of-visitors.html

Excerpts:

"I'm letting you know your grade for the Digital Learning Project, as part of your larger grade as Rector and Vice Rector. On the bright side, let me complement you on your font choice ....But I'm afraid these bright spots pale in comparison to the problems: an immature analysis brought on by terribly shallow research.

...I'm not surprised you drew this conclusion, give the sources you cite. Wall Street Journal editorials and New York Times op-eds are not considered primary sources in this context, Ms. Dragas and Mr. Kington. These are non-experts pulling together the opinions of experts as best they can. That's what you are supposed to do, rather than parrot the opinions of others, however highly regarded they may be. This casual disregard for good research is especially surprising given the rich resources that surround you.

Did you know that the University of Virginia is a leader in digital scholarship, having established the Institute for Advanced Technology in the Humanities in 1992?...Did you know that the Curry School of education has a strong program of Instructional Technology?...... You had tremendous intellectual capital on this subject ready and available. All you had to do was make a few phone calls, but it didn't occur to you to ask."

[JPZenger]

3. Governor Issues General Orders to stop Public Discussion and Press Coverage About UVA

Here's the Governor's new statement on the UVa situation:

http://www.governor.virginia.gov/News/viewRelease.cfm?id=1304

Now here is the satire someone wrote about that letter, using many of the same words and intent:


General Orders from Field Marshall Bob McDonnell to Personnel Assigned to UVAFSPAFC (University of Virginia Faculty, Staff, Parents, Alumni and Friends Command)

Field Marshall McDonnell today issued the following General Orders;

1. All meetings, discussion or votes involving the Presidency of UVa must be completed by 2400 hours Tuesday.

2. Failure to comply with order 1 will result in immediate transfer to Wise, Virginia. I hope you like strip mines.

3. There must be unity on this issue. That is a direct order.

4. It is understood that there are widely divergent opinions on this issue. I will keep convincing myself of this fact, so it will become true.

5. The “press frenzy” is hereby ordered to stop. All reporters shall instead tweet and write articles about the excellent tobacco crop that is expected this year in the Commonwealth.

6. Vitriolic comments must not be directed at the first female rector. They must only be directed at the first female President.

7. I understand 14,000 protesters were involved in defacing the Rotunda last week. Turn yourself in immediately, and I will make sure the torture is limited in duration.

8. To Virginia State Senators and State Delegates, you are hereby prohibited from discussing this matter with each other or your constituents. You have waded into this matter without the facts. Wade out of the matter and await whatever facts I decide to reveal to you.

9. The greatness of UVa is not tied to any one President. It is tied directly to the Greatness of the Governor and the Rector.

10. This Command is hereby ordered to maintain a culture of excellence. Morale is ordered to improve by 2400 hours Tuesday or there will be painful consequences.

11. I command that more students be served at lower cost. Robots will installed in all classrooms. They are your friends. Everyone will embrace reform, which I will define in my secret cigar lounge with the Board of Dominion Resources.

12. The only legitimate question for personnel under this Command is: How can I better carry out my mission of carrying out these orders. The answer is to shut up and get back to work.

The time is now for finality and closure. Frenzy is hereby prohibited. Do not believe what you read in the newspapers (edit - be sure that goes in Helen’s statement for today, instead of here)

Together, we will blah blah blah beacon of the World!

Lastly, there must be no humor that involves the words "mandatory state-ordered vaginal probes."

[JPZenger]

4. Satire of real column by multi-billionaire hedge fund manager who urged Sullivan's firing

Why I Deposed President Sullivan
by Paul George III Jones

John the PR guy - don’t forget to insert a Jefferson quote here

The recent deposing of President Sullivan has raised many questions. I would like to provide some answers. Well, actually, in your minds I’ll probably just raise a whole crapload of new questions.

To paraphrase Thomas Jefferson, there are some people who were born to rule the world, and everyone else should blindly follow orders. We should never underestimate the importance of good breeding, over many generations, particularly if it involves the widespread in-breeding of proper families. It also is great to be a billionaire with lots of idle time and a hot trophy wife. Hey, did you see the three islands I had built in the shape of my initials?

So anyway, the deposing of your President sounds a clarion call that change is needed if we want great freshman to be attracted to the UVa campus for many years to come.

It is important to understand that Sullivan kept hesitating to come speak at my yacht club. I also didn’t like her attitude when I contributed $12 million to UVa to study Yogi, and my friend contributed $8 million to the University and insisted that every penny be spent on squash courts at the Boar’s Head. (By the way, I’m not making those up.)

Here are a few truly alarming facts about the University:

- 28,274 students applied over the last year for undergraduate admission to UVa. It is intolerable that this number is only an 18% increase over last year and 52% increase from 5 years ago, and is still 300 STUDENTS LOWER than applied to Yale. Think how many more full-pay students we could attract if we tell them they can watch all their classes over the web in the dorms, and not have to show up for class.

- A full professor at UVA does not make nearly as much as a hedge fund baron, and the UVa professor has to pay a dramatically higher federal income tax rate. Suckers.

- UVa has also dropped 9 spots in the Princeton Review rankings of preppiest colleges.

- Only 43% of the students accepted by UVa agree to attend. That compares to 75% for Bringham Young University. You losers can’t even keep up with the Mormons. UVa’s rate is 4 percentage points lower than Georgetown, and they have an more stupid mascot name. Even UNC, where 90 percent of the students pay in-state tuition, has a higher yield rate.

When I was applying to colleges in 1972, I was debating among Harvard and UVa. That’s right you fools, I got into Harvard. But my father wouldn’t let me go far away... the bastard. Why can’t UVa be like Harvard? .... I bet I would have really enjoyed it..... Crewing on the Charles.... Cricket in Harvard Yard.......instead, I just got pummeled by dodgeballs in front of Balz.

So anyway, conversations around UVa seem confined to "well, at least we’re better than Tech in most things.” We can do better.

The change in the world is changing, and UVa needs bold strategeric dyanamerism (remember to check wording with Kiernan) to match the pace of changing change. We don’t need a nice matronly lady in her 60s. We need a virile manly President with a really deep year-round tan.
When I am not performing up to my capabilities, I like to review quotes for inspiration. If you don’t like these changes, go read some quotes. Reader’s Digest has some good ones.

We could have pretended to let the students maintain a remnant of student self-governance. But that would be the easy way out. In the Rector’s new spam emails, she has just told each and every one of us that we are aspiring to be total control freaks. You peons should all be elated.

And stay off that facebook site. You really don’t think we’re monitoring you?

Signed,
Paul George III Jones,
Hedge Fund Multi-Billionaire and Education Expert

Here is the real column that this satire is based upon:

http://www.readthehook.com/oped-paul-tudor-jones-endorsing-sullivans-ouster

[JPZenger]

5. Funny youtube video by recent alums

Funny video, made during the debacle. We used to not know anything about the Board of
Visitors. Now, we know it is 3 people who make all the decisions in secret and send us vague emails.

[JPZenger]

6. One of the most frequently tweeted photos during the debacle

http://twitter.com/amberopolis/status/217147760170901504/photo/1/large?tw_p=twt

[JPZenger]

7. More Satire

Dragas decides that a corporate CEO should replace God as the inspiration for Notre Dame University

http://www.cronknews.com/2012/06/25/u-va-rector-dragas-set-to-remove-god-from-notre-dame/

A good collection of various satirical pieces on The Great UVa Uprising:

http://humorinamerica.wordpress.com/2012/06/24/humor-as-ridicule-the-case-of-uva/
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And a video:

http://long18th.wordpress.com/2012/06/27/rector-dragas-consults-with-her-pr-firm-about-the-future-of-higher-education/
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Imaginary conversation between the CEO of Dominion Resources and the Governor. The two main coupleaders are on Dominion's board.

http://www2.starexponent.com/news/2012/jul/06/perspective-imagining-call-mcdonnell-farrell-party-ar-2036569/
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http://www.crozetgazette.com/2012/07/from-the-editor-back-to-the-virginia-way/

Excerpt of editorial:

"The shabby conspiracy that attempted to remove Sullivan, after months of private intrigue among organizers on the Board of Visitors, and apparently involving influential, self-important alumni who later preferred to retreat into the shadows, had to confront its dishonorable character the moment it achieved it first tactical goal, coercing Sullivan’s resignation.

Once in the glare of public inspection, it showed off all the style of a corporate boardroom coup, plotted out by people who believe business school cant about “leadership” and “dynamism.” Never make the mistake of falling for your own jargon and opaque platitudes. “Dragas:” read one sign at an early rally on the Lawn, “You failed your Machiavelli final.” "