C'mere kid. I wanna talk to you.
You think you kids got it tough today?
Running water did not exist when I was your age. We had to bathe in elephant dung.
We lived on berries, during the good years when it wasn't 50 below zero every day and the berries could grow. During the cold years, we starved to death.
The sun wasn't born until I was 15 years old. You know what that means kid? That's right. No fucking heat, kid. That meant we could not just fart at will. We had to hold our farts in all week, kid. We had to save up that gas. Then, once a week, all the villagers would walk 5 miles to the fart cave, where we would all fart at once while the "fart sparker" would make a spark with a rock (assuming we could find a rock...they were rare in those days). The fart gas would then ignite, providing us with 7 seconds of heat. That's all the heat we got for the whole week, kid.
Got the sniffles, kid? Know what happened when we got the sniffles kid? We died.
Don't feel like brushing your teeth, kid? Take your teeth for granted? We didn't have to worry about that. No one had any teeth.
TV? Smart phones? Computers? Forget it kid. Know what we did for entertainment? That's right. We died.
So quit your complainin'. Be a good boy and go get me a coupla more beers and make me a ham sandwich. Go on.
