The Downside of Cohabiting Before Marriage

[Blue_Tires]

AT 32, one of my clients (I’ll call her Jennifer) had a lavish wine-country wedding. By then, Jennifer and her boyfriend had lived together for more than four years. The event was attended by the couple’s friends, families and two dogs.

When Jennifer started therapy with me less than a year later, she was looking for a divorce lawyer. “I spent more time planning my wedding than I spent happily married,” she sobbed. Most disheartening to Jennifer was that she’d tried to do everything right. “My parents got married young so, of course, they got divorced. We lived together! How did this happen?”

Cohabitation in the United States has increased by more than 1,500 percent in the past half century. In 1960, about 450,000 unmarried couples lived together. Now the number is more than 7.5 million. The majority of young adults in their 20s will live with a romantic partner at least once, and more than half of all marriages will be preceded by cohabitation. This shift has been attributed to the sexual revolution and the availability of birth control, and in our current economy, sharing the bills makes cohabiting appealing. But when you talk to people in their 20s, you also hear about something else: cohabitation as prophylaxis...

...But that belief is contradicted by experience. Couples who cohabit before marriage (and especially before an engagement or an otherwise clear commitment) tend to be less satisfied with their marriages — and more likely to divorce — than couples who do not. These negative outcomes are called the cohabitation effect.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/15/opinion/sunday/the-downside-of-cohabiting-before-marriage.html?pagewanted=1&ref=general&src=me

Does the writer have a point? I've never been married or moved in with a GF so I wouldn't know...

[woodsprite]

1. I saw it with a couple of my friends

One of them was saying before they got married, living together was romantic, fun, and spontaneous. After they got married, the guy complained he was expected to take the trash out, handle the bills, clean his bathroom, while the girl was expected to do the majority of house cleaning, the laundry, prepare or plan the meals, etc.

I was thinking they were being whiney and looking for excuses because whether they were living together or not, all that crap still needed to get done (and had been done) for the years they were just living together.

[Chan790]

2. Yes and no to your question.

I admittedly believe in cohabitation, I wouldn't marry a woman I had not cohabited with.

The problem lies not in the cohabiting before marriage but the fact that people who L/T co-inhabit in a relationship assume that because they've been together and live together L/T that they should get married. I'd say this is not universally-true; in some cases, it's very-untrue. More often, one party feels a strong desire to get married while the other is ambivalent or mildly-opposed but goes along to not cause or suffer the disruption of the collapse of their relationship and their living arrangement. Such marriages will never work and the couples in question would as often as not still be together if they had not married. Marriage is no longer a necessity for two people who love each other, want kids, live together.

Honestly, this is a step in progression towards the state of living in a predominantly-unmarried civilization where most L/T couples will not marry and nobody will think much of it. Some people will marry...and nobody will think much of it. Unmarried L/T cohabiting couples will have kids...and nobody will think much of it. Married couples will have kids...and nobody will think much of it.

I even know a married couple that don't co-inhabit...they're married, they have kids, they have and share community property, co-mingled banking, joint tax-filings, they live in the same small (like 6 units) apartment building (actually I believe they own the building. Mom's mom lives there too.) but when they got married, they each kept their own apartment: their own space. (That one struck me as odd but decreasingly-so over time. It has an odd sort of appeal and it works for them.) All 5 of them (Mom, Dad, 3 kids) come-and-go between the two apartments, eat together, have their own bedrooms, both adults have their own bathroom.

My writing partner and her bf have lived together for 5 years and after discussing it, decided that neither of them wants the formality of marriage so they did the logical thing: lied to their families and said they eloped. Neither wants kids. Neither wants to be tied-down. Both are staunchly monogamous. They maintain different and often-separate lives...it's almost like roommates that love each other and sleep-together.

The cohabitation effect is a problem that will go way in time as people increasingly accept non-standard lifestyles and some sort of normalcy falls over the whole thing.

[The Magistrate]

3. What Seems To Happen Sometimes, Sir

Is that people who have lived together a good while will decide to get married at a time when the relationship is actually beginning to weaken, or even beginning to go on the rocks, thinking they will strengthen the bond or get themselves over the rough patch by formalizing matters publicly. It works about as well for this purpose as having a baby does....

[retread]

4. A couple needs to have their relationship sanctified by the state or have a witch doctor chant over

a gold hoop before they can be satisfied with their relationship?

[charlie and algernon]

5. It sounds like it's more the result of the motivations, not that ACT of cohabiting itself

Reading the article, it sounds like the motivations of the couple weigh more heavily than merely the act of cohabitation. If both sides see cohabitation as a step toward marriage and act like it is, then the actual marriage should succeed, barring of course other unforeseen problems. However, if one side wants marriage while the other doesn't, or is unsure, the marriage is probably going to fail regardless if they cohabitate or not beforehand.

[treestar]

6. Interesting point about the cohabitation costs

And that people wasted time in relationships that would have lasted only a few months, but having moved in, stayed in longer because of the cost and trouble of moving out.

Anecdotally, I have observed people who lived together a long time, then get engaged or married, often break up sooner. Or even just dating for a long, long time.

[laundry_queen]

7. I can see that.

It was true in my case.

And I curse my mother for saying, "never marry someone you haven't lived with". I have several friends that got married first before living together and they are all still together while I'm getting a divorce.

I think it's a commitment issue. I think people who don't move in together are likely to think more seriously about marriage - as in, "this is a HUGE step do we really want this?" Whereas those who move in together often do it to 'test the water' and then move into marriage as more of a 'habit' or with a 'might as well' attitude. Often it's only one party with that attitude, but that's all it takes. People forget it only takes one to end a marriage.

[quakerboy]

8. Nope

The article is loaded with all sorts of assumptions and does not even support its own supposition.

[nadine_mn]

9. My husband and I lived together for about a yr before getting married

We moved in together too soon - we were dating while I was finishing law school, had only dated about 6 months and because I was graduating I had to move out of my student housing, so it was either move back home to MN or get an apartment together (he lived at home), we ddn't think a long distance relationship would work.

We only lasted about 6 months the first time we lived together, but like I said it was too soon. We kinda broke up - lol, he moved back home, I moved to my own little apartment. But we had "kids" together - he had a dog and we had adopted a puppy, plus I didn't have a car and needed transportation to work so we saw each other daily. Soon he was spending more time with me and when I had to find a new apartment (they were changing the weight limits on dogs, and my lab mix was no way gonna be 20 lbs) he suggested we move in together again. I was reluctant - but decided ok.

His parents have been married for over 40 yrs, my mom has been married and divorced 5 times so I wanted to make sure when I got married it would last. We didn't have a big wedding, he didn't propose - we just had a conversation about making it official and then got married by a justice of the peace. We have been married now for over 13 yrs. I think living together helped, but I think it's more important for both parties to want the same thing.

[Ruby the Liberal]

10. One of the main reasons for divorce is money issues

could be a loss of a job, or two people having different budgeting and prioritizing desires.

Many people comingle funds when they get married, and there is always the joint tax return where everything gets put into one big pile (or they can file MFS and lose the additional tax benefits).

I can see this being a problem and have counseled people in the past to have one account that is shared and put in what you agree should be put in from each to cover bills, taxes, etc - but to keep the other accounts separate. That way, no whining about the new TV or the Manolo Blahniks as it didn't come out of a shared budget. That doesn't solve everything, but it is a start.

[riderinthestorm]

11. 27 years living together, 25 years married

so I guess it was a formula that worked for us?

Two of my sisters did something really similar and are still married. My other sister never got married, had 3 kids with her guy, and they split up.

I don't think there are any studies linked to that OP. I don't think you can extrapolate anything from the ASSumptions made.