Alright, that's fucking it. What is in my family's legal rights to do something about an insane ex?

[retrowire]

What if I told you, that there is a person who was previously dating my niece. He turned out to be a piece of shit. They only dated for about a month.

My brother in law, her father, died in a tragic car accident 3 months ago. (essential to the story.)

This piece of shit that my niece just broke up with is a fucking nutbar who thinks it's appropriate to message her and us family members on social media about how he wants her back and how he keeps having this "recurring nightmare" where he sees her dad MY BROTHER IN LAW, DYING IN THE FUCKING CAR ACCIDENT and is BEGGING for the piece of shit to not save him but SAVE HER, "SAVE MY DAUGHTER".

THIS PIECE OF FILTH NEVER EVEN MET MY BROTHER IN LAW. HE HAS NO FUCKING RIGHT TO SAY THESE THINGS AS IF IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DREAM THAT WILL MAKE US ALL THINK, "Oh maybe he's calling from beyond the grave and giving his blessing to this kid!"

He's a piece of shit that got fired from a police department, lives with his mom, has no job, leeched off of my niece for a their entire relationship, etc...

I never thought I could know someone so fucking offensive and stupid.

She cut it off with him after witnessing this 25 yr old kid get in a screaming match with his mother, then threaten to go get drunk and die in a car accident. Nice. Very appropriate to say in front of my niece that lost her father in a car accident. Good work you grade A shit bag.

My niece was sitting in her dad's chair once, crying in front of his fucking URN and this kid had the nerve to go up to her and say, "I feel like you're making this all about you.

So now that it's all broken up, he's messaging my mom, her mom, her cousins, and my wife.

WHAT IN THE FUCK

like... who the fuck says that? "Your dad that died 3 months ago? I saw him in my dream dying and like, he told me to save you. So... we totally shouldn't break up." WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT

ANYWAYS, it's been months since that all happened. She has filed a report but no restraining order about the harrassment of our family by this dude. We've all blocked him on social media. But one of us is keeping an eye on his feeds and now, he's posting rants all over facebook again about her, about how he misses her. He's posting photos of his dashboard in the car, where he has a printed photo of my niece and him together, taped up for him to see as he drives. They've been broken up for months now. It's starting to get pretty disturbing.

What's worse though, is that the kids MOM just messaged my niece a 3 page letter BEGGING her to just talk to him. Making excuses for his abusive behavior "oh he just had a bad toothache and his uncle passed away" yeah okay let's enable the abusive young man.

So there's my rant. That's where we are.

What can we do other than a restraining order? Can we get this guy committed or something? His facebook rants are borderline insane.

[onecaliberal]

1. You'll have to start with a TRO (Temporary Restraing Order.)

The next step is to make it permanent. You'll get a court date. You, your niece, and pertinent family members need to show up and bring documentation. One thing I would check on are the stalking laws in your state.

[HassleCat]

2. You will have to contact adult social services.

They will know the law in your area, and what can be done. Cyber stalking and cyber bullying are emerging trends, so everything changes quickly.

[Warpy]

3. first, find out if your state has anti stalking laws

Second, cut off all contact. If he jumps up in front of her, she has to side step and look through him. There can be no contact, not even to call him a piece of shit and tell him to leave her alone. Stalkers are sickos who make up a whole fantasy life and hang somebody else's picture on it. Any contact feeds the fantasy.

Third, maintain the paper trail. File police reports about all incidents of harassment and suspected vandalism. Keep a log of dates and police report numbers. Make sure reports are filed on his dumbass mother, too.

Fourth, talk to the local DA's office about legal remedies. If the state has an anti stalking law, your paper trail can get him put away for a few years. That can give her enough breathing room to get through school, get a career, maybe move away, maybe get married, maybe change her name. She's always going to have to be circumspect about her web presence until this oaf does the world a favor and either goes to a shrink or drinks himself to death.

If there are no anti stalking laws in your state, consider moving to a state that has them. Stalkers ruin your life until they are stopped.

[retrowire]

8. bonus question.

I forgot to mention that he is a Virginian resident while we are in North Carolina. What laws should I be looking up? And does the border cause an issue?

[Warpy]

9. If he's trying to contact her in NC, NC laws would get him

If she's going to school or working in VA, then it would be under VA law. Wherever he's committing the crime (stalking) is where he's going to get nailed.

Just make sure your niece knows about that no contact rule. That's the first step in dealing with these sick fuckers.

[retrowire]

11. Alright, well all the contact is made in NC

I think she's finally dealt with enough pricks to get that NO CONTACT is the best solution. She has outright ignored the mothers message. The mother should understand that when a woman breaks off the relationship, the man's psychological condition is NO LONGER her responsibility.

[csziggy]

13. This might help: North Carolina Stalking Laws

North Carolina Stalking Laws

Definition of Stalking

In North Carolina, "stalking " is a specific offense in the penal code that also includes harassment. Stalking refers to a clear pattern of conduct through which the perpetrator causes the victim reasonable fear for their safety or their family's safety. It's a repetitive pattern of unwanted, harassing, or threatening behavior committed by one person against another.

<SNIP>

Definition of Cyberstalking

North Carolina has a law specifically dedicated to cyberstalking. Cyberstalking is the use of the Internet, email, or other electronic communications to stalk, and generally refers to a pattern of threatening or harmful malicious behaviors occurring online.

More: http://statelaws.findlaw.com/north-carolina-law/north-carolina-stalking-laws.html

[yardwork]

19. The border causes an issue for him. He's in violation of federal law.

[TuxedoKat]

16. This is great advice

Read and reread the first paragraph Warpy wrote. In a book I read years ago (The Gift of Fear), with stalkers, every time you engage with them, even negatively, it just encourages them to keep trying because they got you to engage with them. In their minds, they see that what they did worked, so they will keep trying other tactics to keep the connection alive. They need to get the message that nothing they do will work.

Here's the author's website:

http://gavindebecker.com/resources/book/the_gift_of_fear/

[Warpy]

18. I had a stalker

My best ally at the time was the criminal investigation division at the phone company. I didn't bother with a restraining order and the cops were useless except for establishing a paper trail so they'd know who to charge if they found my body.

My case was cited by the phone company as one of the worst when we got an anti stalking law in this state.

[apcalc]

4. He's probably abusing his mother too.

[retrowire]

7. Well judging by what my niece saw, I'd say so.

And then the fact that she herself is messaging my niece making excuses for her son's insanity? Oh yeah, I'd say she's probably abused by him.

[procon]

5. Why would anyone in your family respond to him in any fashion?

Just stop. Everyone has to comply with no more peeking, no following, no nothing. Change your accounts. And above, immediately all follow through with that restraining order and report every single violation, no matter how petty it seems. Anyone who is being targeted might be well advised to install at least a security camera system if not a full alarm package for their own safety. Don't play aroung with crazy people, get them out of your life a quickly as you can before they snap.

[retrowire]

6. No one ever replied to the guy.

They just were connected to his facebook at first, then they broke up and he thought he would message every one of my niece's contacts to get through to her. Begging us all to have a word with her. We all cut him off with no response. At this point, we're able to view his feed without him knowing it, and we're doing so because we don't want to be surprised. It's the only way to monitor him really.

[Warpy]

10. You can complain to Farcebook and his ISP

and any other service he's using and try to get his accounts pulled. If he's making phone calls, the phone company will help you deal with that one.

There are resources but not many of them if you don't have an anti stalking law.

[WinkyDink]

12. Read "The Gift of Fear." Rule 1. Do. Not. Engage. Not One. WORD. Ignore the creep's mother!

https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/1212277-the-gift-of-fear-and-other-survival-signals-that-protect-us-from-violen

[politicat]

14. Print that stuff, take it to the police to add to the report.

First, call your local domestic violence hotline. This is a form of emotional abuse -- stalking by proxy. They're likely not going to take her into shelter, but they have resources and help. And your niece needs emotional and social support.

Get your niece a new phone account, but keep the old one. (Add a family account, or transfer that number to a service like Ting -- you're not going to be calling out or using much airtime on that account.) She should be very careful about giving out the number (and possibly have her build a bunch of transfer numbers, like Google Voice, if she's got people she doesn't completely trust to keep her info private). Put the old phone number/sim card on junk phone hardware, and on that phone, unblock him. Same with any social media accounts, including email.

But your niece need not ever look at that phone. It need not live in the same house with her, and it can just stay plugged in, in a drawer until you take it to the cops. You just need it unblocked to see what the obsession level is, to take to the police. There's a good chance he's still texting her because a block is also a form of attention in the obsessive's mind.

Use 2 factor authentication on everything; if he ever had access to her phone or computer, consider it compromised. Save any critical documents to an external drive, treat them as infected with malware, and scrub her hard drives before installing a clean copy of the OS (or better, a different one.) Never plug that drive into her machine again; if the docs must be accessed, access them on an airgapped (no network) machine and multi-viral scan them before putting them on a new, fresh out of package thumb drive or burning them to an optical disk for transfer back. If he never had access, that's probably a level of care that's unnecessary, but change all passwords, use 2 factor, and work on being network paranoid.

Take that phone, plus whatever screenshots and printouts of the obsessive's other comments, and take that to the cops. Request the SVU, if you've got one, because that's the sort of obsession that goes bad. Be clear that his obsession is spreading and is encompassing others in her family now. That's a very bad warning sign.

That should get your niece a TRO, and that TRO may cover the rest of the family. If the behavior continues during the TRO, that gives ground to extend it into a permanent one. But if/when a TRO happens, your niece needs to be prepared to a) live somewhere he doesn't know about for a while, b) drive a different car, c) dye her hair, d) take her own social media presence down to zero and e) not go anywhere she knows he knows about. Yes, I know that sounds like punishing the victim for the behavior of another. The problem is that an obsessive/stalker/abuser is the most dangerous when their target is out. And since this waste of molecules has a little cop stench (which isn't abnormal for this sort of shit-stain -- they're authoritarians with a need to control and have power over others) he's right up to the line of what's legal right now. And you bet he's using that knowledge to further his harassment. The problem with someone who is right at the legal limit is that a TRO can make them step over the line.

And don't give the flying monkey mom the time of day. Print her shit, too, and add her to the complaint.

I am so sorry you're going through this, all of you.

[Skittles]

15. you nail it in your last sentence

"His facebook rants are borderline insane."

the guy is textbook Borderline Personality - it's a mental illness, and VERY hard to deal with

Google for advice

[lunatica]

17. He's a stalker and there are laws on the books now

She should make sure she files a restraining order claiming he is stalking her and her family and friends.

Someone I went out a few times with in college pulled this shit on me. My friends would argue his case because "he was so much in love with me".

Eventually, after following me to and from all my classes and calling my dorm constantly (so much that I was called up in front of the dorm committee for it). He tried cornering me at a dance but as soon as my males friends saw me getting upset they stepped between us and stared him down. I imagine they probably made some kind of threat because he stopped stalking me. It was the scariest thing that ever happened to me. You truly fear for your life.

[UTUSN]

20. Stalker. Restraining order.