how old were you when you forgave your parents?

[mopinko]

most of us have wounds from our childhood, i think. probably most of us hated one or both of them as teens.

i know i didnt really make peace w my dad for his failings (he was an alcoholic) until i was 60 yo.

forgave my mom a lot quicker, because it was my dad i was actually pissed at. i just blamed her for him.

how about you?

[True Dough]

1. For me it was quite the opposite

I think I was in my late 20s when it dawned on me just how many sacrifices my parents made for my sister and I. There were so many things I just expected and took for granted as a child and a teenager. I had no idea of the things that they deprived themselves of in order to afford brand-name clothes, extra-curricular memberships, toys and games and on and on. They managed to keep finances in check on my dad's modest military income but usually gave us what we wanted, always what we needed. There weren't many "extras" at all for themselves.

I don't know why they didn't say "No" more often. I guess their gratification came from seeing us happy.

Fortunately I landed a good job and held it for about 15 years. With all the money I was making I was able to repay them in many ways with gifts they enjoyed, and, just as importantly, I told them on several occasions that I truly appreciated and was in awe of their selfless nature. Mom is gone now, she died almost three years ago. She gave so much, for more than material objects, and taught me a lot. I can never put a value on it.

[femmocrat]

2. Nothing to forgive.

They did the best they could and worked hard to give us a good life and education.

[Fla Dem]

3. For me they need no forgiveness. They loved us, we loved them and now miss them.

I'm sorry you had a difficult childhood. I know there are many who were and are in your situation. Abusive relationships are a terrible life for a spouse and especially for a child. I hope your wounds have healed and you are content with the life you are living and if you had children, it influenced you to bring them up in a loving home.

[mopinko]

6. did have kids and did my best.

so different from the life i had. but not good enough, apparently.

[Fla Dem]

39. I can only wish you peace in your heart.

[mopinko]

40. thank you.

[cwydro]

4. My parents did everything they could for us.

I'm just happy they forgave ME for my teenage years.

[Sanity Claws]

5. Wow

I admire the other posters who were far more emotionally mature than I. Forgiveness for me went in stages. My best estimate is that I was 40 or so when I forgave my mother. I was even older when I forgave my father. In fact it may still be a work in progress.

[mopinko]

8. thank you. i had a feeling

that i would get a lot of posts like the above, and few like yours.
which is odd considering how much parent bashing goes on around here, but......

[Sanity Claws]

12. Maybe my situation was different from theirs

My mother died when I was 13. I felt so abandoned. I put up a brave front but I was an emotional cripple. My father had nothing to offer me, no kindness, warmth, nothing. It took me some time to realize that he was not capable of more. From that realization, I was able to start the process of forgiveness.

[mopinko]

14. i have been known to say

that you become an adult the day you release your parents were mere mortals.

as a mom, i gave it my all. there just wasnt all that much all there.

[Tikki]

7. Around age 28....when I finally realized I had outgrown....

my need to make her approve of my choices.

Tikki

[mopinko]

9. yeah, the clothes thing

my mom always hated my second hand clothes, and my buzz cut hair.
but ya know, i saved the money that would have gone into impressing other people. and boy am i glad i did.
which, oddly, she would appreciate, but now she is gone.

i had my divorce party on my mom's birthday. told the assembled that my mom was not very impressed w my life, but if she got a look at my divorce settlement, all would be forgiven.

so i do feel posthumously loved.

[Tikki]

13. Moms can be short-sited....

Mine was eternally angry because I married before the child support agreement she had with my absentee father ran out...

She loved that check and all.


Tikki

[Blue_Tires]

10. I never blamed them for anything??

The question you SHOULD be asking me is "How old was I when I forgave myself?"

And I cannot answer because I have not ever forgiven myself.

[mopinko]

11. i was almost there.

then i had kids of my own.

[Iggo]

15. It was between me and my Mom. And I was in my late twenties. And it was mutual. (n/t)

[OriginalGeek]

16. speaking of grave-dancing

Last edited Fri Sep 9, 2016, 03:26 PM - Edit history (1)

just waiting for my step-asshole to croak. I'll have a bladder full for the occasion. I hope I have to wait through a slow and painful exit.

The last 10 years of her life mom and I came to a good place. I was in my early 40s. I also blamed her for leaving my dad and marrying him (stepass) but we got past that. If she hadn't died of cancer first I think I might have talked her into leaving him. The mom I remember from before step-asshole and the one who I knew the last ten years is the one I chose to remember. Lots to forget in between.

My dad died knowing my full love and admiration and I miss him dearly. But I still have his dad - my grandpa just turned 95 and is an inspiration to me and my children. I called him late last night to so we could celebrate FSU's great comeback victory against Ole Miss. There are very few things in this world that make me happier than hearing my grandpa laugh. It happens less often since grandma died but it still happens often enough.

[In_The_Wind]

17. I forgave my dad too late to say goodbye. He passed away when I was 24.

I still haven't found a way to forgive my mother for leaving when I was a baby. She never called or sent a card.

Dad was an alcoholic. He tried but he wasn't able to stop until he was in his late 40's. Poor guy really tried to love me the best way he knew how but both of my stepmothers were jealous of his love for me and they gave him hell.

Being an only child is lonely when there is no one there to hold you ... ever.

[mopinko]

18. ugh. parental jealousy.

happens in intact families, too.
ex resented the kids quite a bit really.

i never could stand the idea of having one child. my sibs saved me. in spite of the normal sibling rivalry, i always had someone to go to.

[Cairycat]

19. Becoming a parent yourself gives you a lot more compassionate vision

Though as a new mother, I had a difficult time forgiving my mother for not getting help for postpartum depression, turning to alcoholism instead. I had some pretty bad PPD, and sought help. But the older I get, the more I realize how difficult that would have been in the 50s rather than the 90s.

But yeah, my own experiences with my kids gave me a whole lot of insight into my parents' struggles. I tell my sister that sometimes I can almost hear my mom laughing at me dealing with my daughter.

[mopinko]

28. raising my own kids def helped me get it.

i had the advantage of having a fairly stable hubs. at least he had a good job, and we wanted for nothing.

realizing how hard it is to be the same person every day because people count on you gave me a lot more respect for what stability we did have.
and yeah, my middle daughter def was the one that felt like karma.

[Kali]

20. forgive isn't really the word I would use

my mental/emotional issues with my father were resolved when I finally saw he was a flawed human being. it wasn't very long ago.

[mopinko]

29. yeah, the flaw were obvious.

the gifts he gave me took longer to appreciate. and they were many.

[Marthe48]

21. Insight

I just turned 64 and I still find insights into why my parents were the way they were. They both brought dysfunction into their marriage, which ended up tearing them apart and not helping us kids any. They had more to bear than most parents do--their first children were twin boys born prematurely, and one lived only 9 hours. My other oldest brother died when he was 16, killed in a car accident along with my aunt. My parents had no chance to mourn, well, none of us did. Within a month, my Dad's dog died and a month after that, my younger brother was diagnosed Legg Perthys disease. He spent over 2 years in the children's hospital and another 29 months in traction at home and then more time in a leg brace. Less than 2 years after my brother's diagnosis, my sister was diagnosed with scoliosis. She had to have spinal surgery and spent 6 weeks in the hospital and 6 months in a body cast at home and 9 months in a walking cast after that. So between loss and financial ruin, their relationship and marriage failed, although they stayed in their hell together for 9 years. You know how kids usually try to get their parents to stay together? Well, we 4 surviving kids were begging them to split up. And they did. I think their separation and divorce helped some of us. I've wished since then we kids hadn't influenced their choices. But it was harrowing to live through that much disaster and it has taken years to understand how their losses -- our losses -- were overwhelming for Mom and Dad both. I overwhelmingly love them, and I hope they found peace in their final rest.

[mopinko]

30. that's a heavy load.

i cant imagine surviving all that myself.

[Marthe48]

32. Thanks for saying

I appreciate your comment. It got even worse, but at least my Dad passed away before my other brothers. Just my sister and I left.

[likesmountains 52]

22. My mom had 5 kids between 1948-1960. She could only like 2 at a time

So always three of us were "out." We called it being "dead". I know now that she had mental issues, but it was awfully hard growing up like that, not knowing if you'd be "in" or "out" at any time. If you were "dead" she literally didn't talk to you or acknowledge you at all..sometimes for weeks. As a child, there seemed to be no reason that you were in either category so it was always pins and needles. I have forgiven her, but still wish I could understand what it was like to be her. When she died, her will was generous to 2 kids, the other 3 not so much.

[Generic Brad]

23. Haven't reached that age yet

The unforgivable things happened when I was an adult. Anyone who rejects my wife and child solely because they are a different race on the pretense that God wills it and anyone who sympathizes and enables that behavior is not worth my of my forgiveness.

[mopinko]

35. that makes my brain hurt.

so sorry for that. so stupid.

who rejects a grandkid???

[Laffy Kat]

24. It was just my father, and it was when I had my first baby.

We had been estranged for years. I even went through a legal name change to distance myself from him. He was a known union buster in the southern states. As fate would have it, both of his children, my sister and I, turned out as radical leftists. HA. I have to admit he was a loving grandfather to all three of his grandchildren, although he died when they were very young.

[mopinko]

36. grandkids can do that.

[Bryan]

25. About 30, maybe

I was angry with my parents for divorcing in my early teens, but they worked to shield me from the full context for many years. I finally came to the realization that they couldn't stay together any more.

[progressoid]

26. 25.

It wasn't really that big of a thing in hindsight. But at the time, I held a grudge. It went away after I made a big mistake and he was supportive of me.

[Iris]

27. Late 30s

[catbyte]

31. I'm one of the lucky ones--there was really nothing to forgive. Not saying my childhood was

perfect, but I can honestly say that, at 61, I have no scars from them, and miss them every day. My significant other, on the other hand, does. His big memory of his mom is her threatening to drive into a tree, killing her & him, to lay a guilt trip on him that he would be "orphaning his sisters & it would be all his fault." He was 12. GACK!

[Phentex]

34. You were lucky!

and rare I think. I know it's all relative but there are some real horror stories like your husband's out there.

[Phentex]

33. Never. Is that too soon? And it got worse once I had kids

because I love my kids and would never do things that are unforgivable to them. And I made sure they could be children and actually HAVE a childhood. We are adults for a long time. There's no need to rush childhood.

[mopinko]

37. well good that you broke the pattern.

when you see trauma passed down through a generation- ugh.

[Phentex]

38. True. I think there are lots of people like me...

determined to break the cycle.

[LWolf]

41. I don't remember.

It was a slow, gradual process, one layer, one step, at a time.

It happened as I matured and began to more fully understand my mom. Forgiving her was easier, once I understood.

[mopinko]

42. it was when i tried to put myself in her shoes.

when i realized how exhausted i would be if i had to do what she did day in and day out.

[LWolf]

47. Doesn't that help us

understand the whole world a bit better?

[mopinko]

48. yes it certainly does.

[Codeine]

43. Never did. Never will.

I'd sooner take a sledgehammer to their heads than forgive them an iota.

[mopinko]

44. oh my.

[Tommy_Carcetti]

45. Um, never.

As neither of them has done anything to scar me. Both absolutely terrific people who I love dearly and deeply and who have helped shape me into the person that I am today.

Wait, scratch that. I'm still waiting to forgive my dad for insisting on wearing a Speedo when he goes swimming. So there's that.

[mopinko]

46. you are a lucky man.

tho, i see your point about the speedo.

[handmade34]

49. I never hated my parents

and forgiveness doesn't apply in my case... but I walked away emotionally from my mother at about 30... she was a very psychotic woman who could dish out verbal and emotional abuse easily... I felt nothing when she died last year

never had a close relationship with my father but now that he has dementia, I do the best I can to take care of him


I did a bit better with my children and I am pretty sure they like me

[NNadir]

50. Most of the time I'm looking to forgive myself for the way I treated them...

...particularly my mother who died relatively young from a horrible disease.

I really understood them when I became a parent myself, and I wished they could have been here to laugh at me and my struggles with being a father.

They did their best; they made mistakes but did so with the purest intentions; they were loving, caring, generous and in many ways, wise.

[PassingFair]

51. I am thankful every day for the love of my father.

He was a terrific guy, a master procrastinator and lover of practical jokes.
He made every interaction fun.

I forgive my mother on a daily basis... she has never figured out how
self centered she is.

[rivegauche]

52. It happened after they died.

Both of my parents were alcoholics and there just was no talking to them about anything when they were alive. They had a lot of problems. I spent so long being angry at them, and it was impotent anger and pretty pointless. After they died (pretty close together) I spent a long time processing things, and now at age 56 have come to a fairly peaceful place about them both. They did a lot of damage to me and my siblings. I had to let it all go, or risk poisoning myself.

Some will say "they did they best they could with what they had". Maybe a little bit true for my mom but not dad. They did not do the best they could. But it's all right. I grew up and have a good life, so what's the point in holding on to anger.

[mopinko]

53. too bad it was too late.

i can tell you these words would have meant a lot to them.

i had a good life, too. i didnt let it eat me up.

i mostly forgave my mom when she became the child, but also when i found out a lot of things about her early life that i never knew.
ie- i never knew how smart she was. i kinda did. but i didnt know that her road to self sufficiency was a result of her being the first in her class in high school. that won her a scholarship to a business school.
her typing skills are what kept food on our table.

also new research points to intelligence being inherited from the mother. and all those years we thought we got it from dad.

[panader0]

54. I had great parents. They were flawed, but loved me.

My father was a career Air Force officer and we had major problems when
I opposed the war in Vietnam. He wanted me to enlist and I wouldn't.
As I grew older I was able to see their lives more clearly. I would give
almost anything to see them again. My Dad would be 101 years old now, and my Mom would be 108.

[UTUSN]

56. I'll say what panaderO says, "great parents ... flawed, but loved me."

Mine provided total little material sustenance but little emotive sustenance. Parents/siblings totally a *MYSTERY* to me.

Now, 60 yrs later my remaining sibling says, "What are you complaining about?!1 You got EVERYTHING!1" Yeah...

[Jamaal510]

55. It wasn't so much

a matter of forgiveness in my case--it was more of a thing of accepting reality. My mother used to be a regular smoker, and she did that while she was pregnant with me. I think that was how I was born with asthma. I hate being stuck with asthma for my entire life and how there is no cure for it, but there's not much I can do about it. She still has a drink after work every night, but I'm glad she at least stopped smoking. As far as my father goes, he has been an alcoholic and a drug user since before I was born. What that meant was that on some nights, he'd go out and do whatever, and not be around until the next day (or the day after that). When I was a kid, he'd usually lack the energy to do things with me such as taking me to the park and giving me rides to and from school, and sometimes to this day, he begs me for money late at night to support his habit. This is also the reason why he has had trouble looking for work and keeping a job. My mother and father have both been very supportive of me my entire life, but it's unfortunate that I never got to experience a more normal and stable upbringing.