I just found out that my buddy who passed away the other day had a Facebook page.

[Tobin S.]

Looking at it, I feel like I let him down. He was clearly depressed. I just joined Facebook a few months ago and it seemed like I remembered him having a low opinion of it so I didn't even think to look him up. But there he was and he was very active on there in the last couple of months. He was pouring his heart out on there and I had no idea. I don't know why he didn't say something to me. He apparently didn't say anything to anyone he was close to about his true feelings.

I went over to visit with his mom today. She was there with her sister and her granddaughter, Chris's daughter. Chris and his mom lived in a little two bedroom apartment. His mom says she can't live there anymore because Chris died there. They don't have much money, so Chris will be cremated and there will be no services. I gave her what I could to help cover the costs.

I've found myself lost in memories of Chris over the past few days. On a few of our fishing trips from long ago in the middle of the night we would get a buzz going and get philosophical. As far as I could tell, Chris was an agnostic. He didn't like any religion, but he was unsure about spiritual matters. We would talk about such things as if death was a long way off. We both thought we would grow old and we teased each other about what we'd be like as old men.

Despite not seeing Chris's Facebook page until now, I was still aware enough of his problems to know that he was in trouble because of two recent overdoses involving Xanax and heroin that he told me about. One of the last times I talked to him he was walking to a drug dealer's house. I told him at that time, "You know you're in trouble, don't you?" He thought I was referring to when he overdosed and the cops were called. He told me they weren't going to press charges. I said, "I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about your life." So, sadly, I wasn't surprised when I got the news of his passing on Saturday.

But seeing his Facebook posts today it makes me feel like I wasn't a good enough friend. I feel like I wasn't there for him when I should have been. I feel like I let him down in the worst kind of way.

[haele]

1. Don't. Sometimes, people who are struggling with something they consider shameful

will feel more guilty if they think they are burdening their friends than telling the truth about what they feel most guilty about in their lives. I've had several friends and one relative attempt suicide, and one friend succeeded.

Parents who think they know their kids ("my boy/girl talk to me about everything and would never do that...&quot don't realize how much their kids would be devastated if their parents found out about a secret self-loathing. Same with friends; if someone has boundary or confidence issues, there is only a certain level of give to the appearance of self-respect they have.

That's why it's so difficult dealing with someone who is truly suicidal. YMMV, but what I've observed, they are at the point where they would rather burden their friends and families with their death because they feel they're removing a greater pain by removing themselves. I think it's akin to fight or flight; it seems like they've given up fighting to keep some sort of self-respect while they're struggling against overwhelming internal pain and/or self-loathing, and are looking for a release from everything.

We are our own harshest critics. And too many times, we bully ourselves over our weaknesses, instead of accepting and/or offsetting them.

In this case, it really wasn't you. It was him. And I'm sorry for you both; he probably hated himself so much, he may easily have thought you and everyone else would be relieved he wasn't around to keep screwing your lives up (as a few of those suicidal friends have said afterwards).

On edit - there's nothing more you could have done but to be his friend as best you could. He was the one who made the decision not to allow you to see his pain.

Haele

[Callmecrazy]

2. What more could you have done, Tobin?

The man was self destructive, from what you tell us. He was going to continue down that road until he came up with the idea on his own to clean up.
I'll tell you my own issues with drugs.
I was a long time user of methamphetamine. I didn't quit using it until I was finally truthful to that face in the mirror and told it that he looked like shit, lived like a slob, and blew my money on video poker in the casinos because of the drugs. When I finally had that epiphany, I quit cold turkey. I was ready.
Seven years later I'm still clean.
Two and a half years ago I told that face that it was time to quit tobacco. It was hard but I haven't touched any tobacco.
Chris had to make up his own mind about being clean. You shouldn't feel guilty. You were a good friend because you knew all of his faults and you liked him anyway.
Chin up.

[monmouth4]

3. Did he put in a "Friend Request" to you? You did what you could, don't beat yourself up..nt

[CaliforniaPeggy]

4. Oh, my dear Tobin...

You stood by him and did what you could, and what he allowed. He chose his path and he followed it to the end.

It's not your fault, not one little bit.

Remember, hindsight is always 20/20.

[redwitch]

5. Please don't beat yourself up over his death.

You were a good friend to him. He needed to stop his destructive behavior and he ran out of time. Second guessing ourselves after a loss like this is what we humans do but you were a good friend to him.

[RobinA]

6. I've Been In A Situation

similar to yours. A good friend of mine with multiple problems died suddenly in a way that could have been prevented with some attention to medical issues. I let his last call go to voicemail because I was in the middle of something when he called. Called him back an hour layer and his phone had been disconnected. He lived alone and died, probably shortly thereafter, and was not found for awhile.

Major coulda, woulda, shoulda on my part. I even started calling myself out for things, once I reviewed the facts, I had never actually done. It will get better, but it takes time. For now, try to think of the things you did do instead of dreaming up things you should have done. And believe me, you will get VERY creative about what you should have done. It's been three years, and I can still think up new things I might have done to avoid disaster.

Take some time to check in with the facts of the situation now and then and give what you did do as a good friend at least equal time with what you imagine you could have done as a better friend. This helped me. Maybe not at first, but eventually the "what I did do" side of the scale started to even out with the incredibly heavy "what I didn't do that I should have done" side.

Oh, and you mentioned somewhere earlier that you had been diagnosed with bipolar. Please keep an eye on this, maybe with a trusted loved ones help, in this stressful time.

Best Wishes!