DU, I could use your help.

[F4lconF16]

My girlfriend has had a really crappy day. School, scheduling, and other things (including me being rather insensitive last night) have just been overwhelming and frustrating for her.

I'm putting together some stuff for her for later. It doesn't have to be anything crazy, just a little thing or two. She made me a little paper mache dog that pooped M&Ms a while back with a note that said "sorry you had such a crappy day"--that kind of thing.

I've got a few ideas but I'd love some help. She loves puns, so definitely something to do with that. Also the office, generally nerdy jokes, etc.

And ducks! Ducks are good.

[redwitch]

1. ducks

[F4lconF16]

3. Ha! That's cute.

I'll make sure to show it to her. She'll enjoy it.

[Callmecrazy]

2. A penguin takes his car into the shop...

and the mechanic tells him he'll need an hour to check it out.
The penguin decides to walk to DQ and get an ice cream. Because penguins love ice cream. The problem is, because they got no hands, they end up getting the ice cream all over their face and beak.
So he goes back to the mechanic and the guy tells him, "Looks like you blew a seal."
Penguin says,"No, that's just a little ice cream."

[F4lconF16]

4. ...

Maybe not what I'm looking for at the moment, but that cracked me up. I'll tell her it another day.

[LiberalElite]

9. .

[DFW]

5. A Swiss joke and a British joke

The German-speaking Swiss are known for being a bit slow in their speech, and popular lore (unjustly) has them being slow in everything else.

One fine day, three 95-year-old guys walk down from their village high in the Alps to see a big city. They find a huge metropolis of 250 people with actual electricity and running water. They walk around in amazement, and after 10 whole minutes, sit down on a bench, exhausted. All three of their heads stare at the ground.

After half an hour, one looks up and remarks, "Sex is nice," and he looks down at the ground again.

After another half hour, the second one looks up and says, "Christmas is also nice," and his head once more stares at the ground.

After another half an hour, the third one looks up and thoughtfully remarks, "And Christmas comes more often."
--------------------------------------

One afternoon in a suburb of London, a well-dressed woman walks into a pharmacy ("chemist" in the UK) and when it's her turn at the counter, she says in a no-nonsense voice, "I'd like some cyanide, please."

Thinking he must have misheard, the pharmacist asks, "Excuse me, you'd like some what?"

With gathering impatience, she says," I said I'd like some cyanide, please."

The pharmacist tries to maintain his composure, and says, "Madam, I'm sorry, but cyanide is a deadly poison."

She answers, "I'm perfectly aware what cyanide is, thank you very much. I'd like some please, and a rather large dose of it while you're at it."

The pharmacist replies,"Well, I can't sell you cyanide just like that. Whatever made you think I would?"

She opens her purse and hands him a photo, taken from some distance, but clearly showing his wife in bed frolicking with her husband.

The pharmacist hands her back the photo, and says, "well, Madam, you might have told me from the beginning that you had a prescription."

[F4lconF16]

6. Here's what I have so far...

Hey,

I’m sorry you’ve had such a fowl day. I know I helped cause that—we do have our differences of a pinion. I was going to wing it and write up something cute for you, but I couldn’t think of anything that fit the bill. I’m a bit worried—waddle I do if I can’t think of anything?

Wader minute…maybe a couple of plucky duck puns might help! They probably won’t quack you up, but they might ruffle your feathers a bit. I had a tough time Pekin the good ones…

Anyways, don’t let the bad days get your goose. I’m sure you’ll have a day go by just swimmingly soon. The feather forecast is kinda rainy for the next few days. If you get the chance to cuddle up and watch a movie (maybe a duckumentary?), I’d be down with that.

Now I just have to figure out how to end it.

Gonna grab a few rubber ducks from the store and paint masks on their faces...they'll be robber duckies

[trof]

7. Rubber Duckie!

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[47of74]

8. Then there's the Squatty Potty ad...

Soft-serve straight from a sphincter!

[Hepburn]

10. You are a sweetheart...! n/t

[LiberalElite]

11. Bad Joke Eel:

and