Who wants to offer some advice of the non-medical kind?

[Liberal Veteran]

Sister-in-law is freeloading at her parent's home even though she makes plenty of money to afford a place of her own. Her adult son is coming home from court forced rehab and has nowhere to stay because her parents have put their foot down due some unpleasantness in the past.

She waits until she is on her way to the rehab place to fill out paperwork and calls my hubby asking him if it is okay for him to stay with us (a firm "no" would result in a major blow-up).

We just moved to the area recently to be near family (good and bad).

Quite honestly, I've already told hubby that the whole thing reeks of emotional blackmail and he gave into it.

His biggest concern is that sister will take it out (emotionally) on her parents who are already dealing with problems of their own including old age and health problems that have one of his parents playing caregiver to one of them.

I'm going to have to figure out a way to deal with this in-law and set clear boundaries, but being that I'm sort of on the periphery of family, I've got to find a way to start putting roadblocks up and make sure this doesn't happen again without playing the "choose between me or your blood kin".

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Tobin S.]

1. Tell your husband where you stand...then

tell your husband that you are going to tell your in-laws where you stand and to stop being such a wimp.

Well, that's what I'd want to say. I don't know how that will really work out for you.

[mnhtnbb]

2. Families sure can be a PITA, can't they?

Setting clear boundaries is a GREAT idea and you are on the right track.

I would have a sit down serious discussion with your husband--working from that idea--and see
if you can get him to commit to having a similar discussion with his parents.

It wouldn't hurt to establish time limits for the hospitality of each household where
the SIL is freeloading, and also where her son is now going to stay with you.

Once the son arrives, I would urge you and your husband to present him with a clear and identifiable
set of boundaries at a minimum to include:

How long he can stay

What he does to contribute: rent and chores

House rules: when everybody is up and how late people stay up
sound levels night/day

Any drug use (I'm guessing that's the court ordered rehab) and he's GONE, immediately. You will put his stuff
out on the curb.


Just my $.02

[Liberal Veteran]

4. Agreed. I know it has to happen that way.

The drug use is 110% agreement. No second chances. I will not have that in my house.

As for how long he stays. I'm going to define some limits right up front.

Honestly, the only reason hubby agreed to this insanity is take some pressure off his parents. They were getting ready to capitulate already and I have to agree with hubby that him staying with hubby's parents was something that likely would have severe mental and physical health consequences when one of his parents is already in failing health (and shows signs of dementia). Hubby's heart is in the right place on this because he is doing it to avoid an unneeded burden on the parents rather than because of an obligation to his sister.

It's damned inconvenient, but I guess that's family. It was a lot easier when we lived 2000 miles away.

I hope I don't sound totally selfish, but I've learned that you have to avoid toxic entanglements even with family (my own being no exception).

[Mnpaul]

19. I would demand AA or NA attendance

at least once a week. I helped a friend get of meth that way. I even drove him there when necessary.

[Iggo]

7. "...a clear and identifiable set of boundaries..."

Actually, fresh out of rehab is the EXACT RIGHT TIME for that.

[rug]

3. You know, if you have the room and he doesn't relapse, let him stay.

There's almost always too much of an emotional investment anticipating these things than actually happens. Give your husband's parents a break, screw his sister, and welcome his brother. If he screws up, you can throw him out then. He may surprise you. Life is too short.

[Liberal Veteran]

5. It's hubby's nephew, actually.

Just trying to mentally prepare myself, so if the worst happens, I'll be ready to act.

[rug]

6. Best of luck.

[UTUSN]

8. You two & your in-laws move in with me not telling sil n/t

[WinkyDink]

9. Your husband's ADULT nephew is going from rehab to YOUR HOUSE? I can't advise, as this would be

Divorce City for me!

[Skittles]

10. you're in a position to make a real difference in that guy's life

whatever your resentments are with his mum, try to make the best of it with him and have a family intervention to get her to stop being such a freeloading, emotional-blackmailing asshole

[Liberal Veteran]

13. Probably the best way to look at it. I can't really argue any of your points.

And you are correct, I am resentful about sister-in-law. We've been here two months, my hubby is still job hunting and I am on my second week of a new job. Being asked to do this at this particular point where we are still in the "settling in" stage did nothing for my peace of mind.

[Skittles]

16. I hear you

what you need to do is make sure your nephew pitches in and helps all he can - give him responsibilities and hold him to them.....no doubt it was no picnic for him being raised by that sister-in-law - I'd have a family meeting with him and your husband immediately upon his arrival and tell him he is welcome but you have rules and BE FIRM.

[riderinthestorm]

11. If SIL can afford her own place, then give them both a time frame

its near the end of September, tell both SIL and adult nephew that he can stay until November 1 and then you expect SIL to have found a place for both of them or just her son.

That gives him 5 weeks to transition with you (under firm boundaries, agreements and parameters as negotiated). 5 weeks for SIL to find a place for the both of them or for just her son.

I would be pretty loathe to get into a long term living arrangement with a newly recovering drug addict. You don't say what drugs he's recovering from but some of them have some abysmal relapse rates and I'd really hate to have a "permanent" front row seat to that vicious cycle.

Since you know $$ isn't the issue for her, be firm. It's probably best for your in laws that she moves out anyway. She needs to step up and take responsibility for her son and not foist him on you. It avoids the "major blow up". It sets limits and ultimately shifts the responsibility to SIL where it belongs, while you and your husband have extended a really compassionate place to stay in the interim.

Win win imo.

Good luck whatever you do...

[Liberal Veteran]

14. The drug in question is heroin.

Not a good thing.

[riderinthestorm]

15. Oh jeez, I was afraid of that. Relapse rates for heroin addiction are pretty bad

Make sure you know what to look for so you know when/if he's back at it.

I'm so sorry. I truly hope he beats the odds

[bettyellen]

18. buy an at home drug test kit and tell him that taking it at will is a condition of staying

he may get the idea that like many others, you will look the other way. Tell him he is no relapsing on your watch, and have an agreed upon plan in place to deal with it if he does.
He needs chores as well, and him and Mom need to be looking for their own place too. The whole thing stinks of you getting sucked into their drama, and fixing it. Make sure they know this is temporary- and conditional. Get your husband to agree with and spell out those conditions to his sister and nephew. Do not let him make you the bad guy. Drug test at least twice a week. Hide your valuables.

Sorry if I don't sound hopeful, but if he did not enter rehab on his own volition, it's a lot less likely it will take.

[LiberalEsto]

17. Lock up your valuables

or put them in storage.

[KentuckyWoman]

12. I hope your fears are not realized and beautiful things happen instead.

Humbly.... you've got to get over this "on the periphery of the family" thing. If you love your parents in law and see anyone harming them - including their own kids, then you have an obligation to be the voice of reason. The fact you don't have emotional hoohah that gets in the way sometimes with families only makes you a stronger advocate.

And "me or the nephew" will not end well. Just don't bother going there. Tell your husband how you feel right now. Your love for his generosity and your concerns about the security of your home. Tell him as long as the nephew is in your house you want a date with hubby every week or few days or what have you - same bat time - same bat station - to reassess the situation and decide if it's working. And do speak freely in meetings otherwise you two can't be a team.

And give the nephew chores. Nobody gets a free ride. Rake leaves, cut grass, do dishes, GET A JOB by whatever date and a percentage of his pay goes to paying rent...... Yadda Yadda.

Hopefully the whole thing turns out to be a turnaround for the nephew. Hopefully it brings you and hubby closer together.

[mopinko]

21. sil should pay you rent.

maybe give him a free month, then tell her she needs to feed and clothe him. if hubby cant do that, do it yourself. it's your house, too.

totally agree w giving him chores, daily things like cooking dinner or cleaning the kitchen. also like either meetings or drug testing.

is he on probation? make sure you know his po.

[alarimer]

22. Make sure they know they have to pay rent and otherwise contribute

In addition, I think there should be a time frame for them getting their own place. Say, a month, maybe?

No freeloaders, even if they are family, should be allowed. It would be a deal-breaker for me. I could tolerate a month maybe, but then we'd have to come to terms. I would sit down with your SO and discuss your concerns. I would have concerns about a heroin addict living with me, no matter how well the rehab may have gone.

[GOLGO 13]

23. Something somewhat similar was tried on me & I turned them down.

Junkies/ex-junkies are never to be trusted. Her son? Her responsibility! She's a skillfully slick user & she's refuses to take responsibility for her junkie son. She'll use any "sucker" available. Especially when she knows her family is a soft-touch.

Junkies tend to avoid conflict with strong-willed/"Alpha people". They look for sympathetic/weak willed individuals to prey upon. They avoid threats & instead look for the lowest hanging fruit from which to take from.

There is no "being nice" with junkies. There is only "don't F*#! with me". What you want is to project the image that makes dealing with you as extremely unpleasant as possible.

Fuck what the in-laws think of you. It's your house, yes? Now is the time to let your inner Valkyrie come out & restore the family balance.