So we seem to have a few posts about death tonight. I have a question for everyone.

[OmahaBlueDog]

Preface: There is no snark intended here, and there is no hidden agenda aimed at anyone who has posted about the loss of a loved one.

Question: Someone has posted about a recent or impending death. It could be a parent, spouse, other family member, or pet. It could be the DUer. You, as a DUer and human being, wish to express some level of compassion. What can you say besides: "I'm sorry", "I'm so sorry", "I'm sorry for your loss." or the one-off variations: "Hugs", "Vibes", "That sucks!"

One could quote scripture, but that's really not a lot of people's style around here. Nobody wants to touch off a 150 reply debate on spirituality.

One could quote poetry. However, I'm reliably informed that poetry seems to sometimes invite mixed reactions in the Lounge.

One could avoid the thread, but suppose it's a poster for whom you have some respect or affection?

Any ideas?

[auntAgonist]

1. Respect and or affection

for the person posting will lead you to respond in the right way.

When speaking from the heart, it's always welcome imho.

avoidance isn't really a good idea.


aA
kesha

[Kali]

2. I used to have trouble with this

(in real life too) but now I just write whatever the first thought/reaction I have - usually a variation on I'm sorry.

The hug smiley used to feel weird to me for something like this as well, but I have started to get more comfortable with it too.

I wouldn't worry about the reactions to poetry, if that is something you would like to post. I think most people are just reaching out to another person in pain and the specifics aren't as important as the contact. Something more personal is even better if you are able to do that.

[progressoid]

3. Well,

as someone that has posted a thread about the death of a loved one, just about anything heartfelt is appreciated. Even a silly emoticon.

I had simply wanted to share a little but was surprised at how much it meant to have "strangers" express sympathy.

[Aristus]

4. I've never had anyone misinterpret one of my condolence messages.

A heartfelt reply to a DU-er in pain is a stand-up thing to do. Most people respond positively to that.

[nolabear]

5. I think a simple I'm sorry or hug is what's wanted.

We all have our own fantasy about who's out there on the other end of our posts but I think we do have a certain affection for the Lounge as a whole and more personal connections with individuals. I expect it's a way to let people know someone dear has died, but also that they lived, y'know?

[crunch60]

6. One person who lost a loved one, was alone, away from family, and whatever

comforting words she could read from DU'ers made her feel less alone and that we shared her grief. Most of us have lost a loved one, so it's easy to share compassion and understanding. For me it is anyway.

[Phentex]

7. I think any response is good...

sure, we may not know the person but we do know that death is part of life and we can acknowledge their pain with a simple response of "I'm sorry" or something similar.

I hate it when someone is going through the loss of a loved one, human or pet, because I know how much it hurts.

[HappyMe]

8. Just speak from your heart.

Be it a simple 'I'm sorry' or a hug or a poem. I'm pretty sure all responses are appreciated.

[pipi_k]

9. This is something

I wonder about a lot.

Some things sound so trite. Yet saying (or writing) them could comfort someone else.

I never know what to say, and so I often avoid saying anything so I won't beat myself up hours later because I feel I said something stupid.

Then I remember it's not really about me, it's about trying to comfort someone else. But then, again, I don't want to make the mistake of making things worse.

I am socially inept and often appear uncaring, when really I'm not.

So, to answer your question, I guess the least offensive thing a person can say is, "I'm so sorry for your loss" and then let it go at that.

[OmahaBlueDog]

11. A friend of mine, who is a widow, shared this article from HuffPo

Grief is one of the most universal of human experiences. Virtually every single person you know, including yourself, will eventually lose a loved one. Grief is the great equalizer, experienced by everyone in spite of their wealth, education, health or fame. While some people experience loss earlier and more traumatically than others, grief will one day be a companion to us all.

So with grief so prevalent, you might think that we'd all know how to reach out to a bereaved friend, colleague, or family member. You'd think we'd have compassion and sympathy down to an art. But, unfortunately, that's not the case. Most of us, though well-meaning, haven't a clue what to say to someone who is grieving. In fact, we often do or say exactly the wrong thing.

Since the publication of my book Transcending Loss over 15 years ago, I have heard from hundreds of grievers the hurtful things that well-meaning people have said to them. Don't let yourself be one of those people who inadvertently hurt the very person they mean to comfort.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ashley-davis-bush/grief_b_1344813.html

[Orrex]

10. I tend not to start or participate in such threads

IMO the format is hopelessly ill-suited for sharing this kind of information.

If the person is a poster for whom I have some respect or affection, then I will likely send a private message to offer my condolences, but I find an overtly public airing to be somewhat distasteful.

[Avalux]

12. I have a hard time with knowing what to say, so usually don't.

That doesn't mean I don't read the post/thread and get teary-eyed; I just never know what to say....