I caught a friend in a lie today...

[Phentex]

and I am not sure what to make of it. You ever have one of those chance meetings with someone you don't usually see and some chit chat ensues? And then something about your mutual friend gets mentioned and you are left to wonder why this person would lie? It's not about anything particularly significant either but it was something she was adamant about. Leaves me wondering why she lied and did she think I would somehow judge her for it?

I won't see her until Friday and I doubt I am going to bring this up. But if the topic comes up again, I think I will ask her about it.

Why do people do this?

[In_The_Wind]

1. Sometimes people lie because the truth makes them uncomfortable.

[Phentex]

2. Yeah...sigh.

I'd like to think we were better friends than that.

[In_The_Wind]

3. When someone lies to me I get the feeling they think they're smarter than I am.

Like I'm not gonna know or find out the truth.

In defense of your friend, is it possible that she is having a problem with her memory?

[Phentex]

4. No. She was rather sneaky about this...

and, yeah, she probably figured I'd never know.

[In_The_Wind]

5. Your friendship will never be the same.

I'm gonna bet you'll avoid her in the future.

[KMOD]

38. That's how I feel about liars, too.

They're smug, and think they're smarter than I am.

I like to see the best in people, so I fall victim to liars often. Definitely my worst character flaw, sadly.

[Snobblevitch]

6. I'm not asking for specifics,

but they do have a significant bearing on the motivation for telling a lie about someone to another person.

[Phentex]

21. Maybe so...

but I think it might trivialize this rather than just focusing on the why.

[Snobblevitch]

23. My point is,

you cannot expect anyone (anonymous on an internet message board or in person) to help you figure out why your friend lied to you without knowing anything about you, your friend, or the person about whom the lie was told.

[NJCher]

24. sure you can

People will toss out a variety of opinions from their experience.

The poster may recognize something that rings a bell.

Of course, we can never attribute motive to another person, but it's something to think about.


Cher

[seveneyes]

7. There is no love stranger than this

[Phentex]

14. I'll take fritos.

[BlueJazz]

8. I'd blow it off and not mention it again.

[Phentex]

15. I'm just going to see if it comes up again.

It's not such a big deal to bring it up myself.

[BlueJazz]

28. Yeah, sometimes people say things that (after the fact) they would like to take back.

Of course, I've never done that...Choke..

[trof]

9. Your scenario is very vague, but...

If a real friend (not just an acquaintance) lies to me about something, then they're no longer a 'friend'.
Hell, if I find that anyone I know has lied to me I no longer trust them.

[Phentex]

16. I lost a friendship over some very big lies...

but those were lies that made a little more sense to me. Eventually I had to wonder if other things were lies and then it was never the same again.

[Arugula Latte]

27. Same.

I knew the motivation behind the lies, called my friend out on it, but everything was denied still. Eventually we reconnected, years later, but it was never the same. It was worse than any romantic breakup I'd ever had because we'd been best friends for several years in high school and college.

[Iggo]

10. I'd let it slide.

It's your friend.

[Phentex]

17. Probably...

just had me curious about the motivation.

[seveneyes]

11. Pick a shade of Black

[Phentex]

18. green

always green

[seveneyes]

25. Green it is

[Kali]

12. that can be very disappointing

trust can be so easily destroyed and so hard to get back.

[Phentex]

19. I am perplexed...

not life shattering or anything. Just seems very odd to me.

My sister, on the other hand, will tell little white lies and then forget what she told me and traps herself, lol. Those I understand because it may have been about convenience (instead of just saying I don't feel like it!)

[Ron Obvious]

13. Don't people lie 5-8 times a day on average?

I think I remember a study to that effect. Of course, I could be lying.

I'd let it go.

[Phentex]

20. LOL!

The little white lie. Yes, I think that happens.

[Xyzse]

22. Sometimes people forget too. Have to consider that.

I know there are many things that I misremember.

There are also times people get embarassed about something and completely put it off their heads, and remember it differently afterwards.

So depending on what that is, I don't really know.

If it is minor, I wouldn't even make an issue of it. Memories are tricky things sometimes.

[Phentex]

30. That's my sister...

she forgets her lies.

With my friend, I do thing it's minor in the grand scheme of things.

[Xyzse]

33. Hopefully it is just minor.

It's easy to forget or misremember certain things, not meaning to lie about it.

Me, I forget what lunch I have within the same day, and not tell any one I actually had a cookie or two... or maybe three, while cutting down on sugar. sigh

Also, I might forget who I watched a movie with, or if I even watched a movie...
Then swear up and down the place that I have NEVER watched a certain Nicholas Sparks movie, but I probably have. Kinda embarassing.

[Coventina]

26. I'm so sorry that happened. I strive to be honest, but I've failed at times.

The times I've lied the motivating factor was fear.

Could fear be playing a role in your situation?

[Phentex]

31. I don't think so unless you consider

she has a fear of being judged by me. (?)

That hurts because we talk about so many things and I would never judge her about this one thing.

[Baitball Blogger]

29. Yes. And it's not pleasant to discover.

The bond behind every friendship is not the same for everyone, so my situation might not match yours. But, there are people who are sincere about their kinship to you, but they also take liberties that they think they can get away with. It's inexplicable, but it happens. Sometimes it comes down to assumptions that you have so much that you won't miss what is taken.

[Phentex]

32. That really makes sense to me...

it does seem like the kind of thing she thought I might never find out about. Hmmm...

[Baitball Blogger]

34. It creates a surreal dilemma, doesn't it?

I've learned that we live in a world that is, but isn't. The more I learn about people, the more I realize how complicated we are. Dishonesty is inherent in most people and it's a survival mechanism. One minute they are one thing, and the next, another. When you're a minority you see it clearly, because you live in two worlds. When you're one-on-one with a friend, they act one way, and when they are with other groups of friends they morph into something else.

So, who are they, really? I finally determined that it really doesn't matter. I will only share in their world in that small part where they don't have to compromise to satisfy the larger, social order they belong to. And I try, very hard, not to have a reason to let them in any further than that. Any time they invite me to parties where I know their other friends will be present, I just find a reason for not attending. Dilemma resolved, for the most part.

[Still Blue in PDX]

35. I have a friend who once told me, "It's only a lie if it hurts someone."

Since that bombshell, I have a hard time believing anything she tells me even though I have no evidence that she's ever lied to me by any definition of the word. Seems like it would be really hard to trust someone once you've actually caught them in a lie.

[Phentex]

39. That's a strange philosophy. However...

I have had people tell me about something unethical that they did (like lying on a form or keeping money that wasn't theirs) and it always makes me question what else they might be lying about.

[seveneyes]

36. Let me help

[Duppers]

37. Had a friend who lied about herself all the time.

Recently got totally fed up and slammed her. My tolerance goes only so far. Perhaps your goes further? IF you become very troubled, trust your gut and don't feel guilty. How important is she to you?

[Phentex]

40. Well, I think I coud ask her about it if it comes up...

I have known her a long time. I don't think this is the kind of thing that would break a friendship and she might just be embarrassed about it. This thread is making me want to say to her "Why would you tell me this? Did you think I would judge you?" and just see what she says.

Now, the friend I referenced above was a different story. She lied about some pretty big things and even though I knew her motivation, it was more than I could take. She told me about the lies she was telling other people! I still feel really bad for her. My heart hurts when people feel they have to lie because it means they are in some kind of pain or weird place or mental health crisis. Very different from the little white lie in my opinion.

[Duppers]

41. True.