Let me ask you a relationship question, DU **update**

[Suji to Seoul]

Last edited Fri May 1, 2015, 10:12 PM - Edit history (2)

Let me ask all of you a question and set a scenario first:

Your significant other picks up your phone, unlocks it and starts going through their texts, phone contacts and instant messengers. They see people and numbers they don't like and start saying "who is this?" They start tapping messages to the people they don't know and actually call them on the phone demanding to know who they are.

My question is simple: How long would it take before you kicked the psychopathic basket case to the curb? I've learned to just be a shoulder and nothing more. If I try to fix, I cause more problems.

This is happening to someone I know and she lives in constant fear. On top of that, he's cold, uncaring and takes her for granted.

***UPDATE****

Her husband called me phone. Naturally I plead ignorance. Then he woke her up and got in her face. They had a fight. He threatened to break her iphone and she punched him. Then ran home to her parents.

I don't know where it will lead.

****SECOND UPDATE****

They got into a physical altercation and she beat the living snot out of him.

[Dont call me Shirley]

1. He has no boundaries, is severely insecure, controlling and jealous. My vote: Leave quickly.

[uppityperson]

2. to answer, ewwww and she needs to get in touch with someone to help her

Is there a local domestic violence group, house, hot line? I imagine he'll throw a fit if she puts a password on her phone? Not knowing the situation, and they are often very complicated, make sure she has a DV number to call, even if she doesn't think she'll use it.

The final nail in one relationship was when he gave me permission to open read his mail, then demanded the same in return. Nope, bye.

It b very difficult to watch, make sure she knows where to call even if she won't because done day she may do so.

[Throd]

3. IMMEDIATELY!

[arcane1]

4. Definitely a deal-breaker for me, even if they had a valid reason for being suspicious of me.

That shit is TOXIC!

[riderinthestorm]

5. Immediately nt

[Skittles]

6. let me guess

when they started dating, she found his "devotion" to her charming

The man is an obsessive, jealous control freak, and she is in danger with him and when she leaves him........warn her.

[Suji to Seoul]

8. Actually, he was a rebound from another crazy guy who used to beat her

Women here in Asia are property, Skittles.

Reality is, if she leaves, because she is married, she will never be able to get married again. No local man will marry a divorcee that's over 25 years old even in the big cities (culturally, it's her fault for not keeping the man happy).

I've been trying to pull her away from him, but she is so terrified her family will disown her and that he "won't let me leave even when I tell him." There is no feeling when they are in bed together and it's, as she says, "very selfish and over in ten minutes."

She sort of wishes he met me first, because she met me about three months after she got married. And "you are the nicest thing that has ever happened to me."

All I can do is be there, but the decision is her. This is part of the problems I've had dealing with cultural crap in East and Southeast Asia. At times, marriage is a life imprisonment sentence for many women in Asia.

[Skittles]

14. that is one fucked up culture

not that it is paradise anywhere for women but that is terrible

[Suji to Seoul]

15. 5000 years of pariarchal horseshit and it is indoctrinated into their brains from birth

It's taken a lot unbrainwash my wife, but she still retreats to the cultural brainwashing when something is new for frightens her.

[elleng]

7. 5 minutes.

That's because I'm generous.

Good luck to her, help her get out (if you can, safely.)

[Suji to Seoul]

9. Her husband is terrified of me. I'm almost 8 inches taller, 100 pounds heavier and bench 360

He saw me and ran away fast.

That night, she ran away to a hotel, got on her phone and we spent the night on MSN talking because she ran to another city. She knew if she came to me, he would know it and there would be a problem, namely I'd be in jail or deported for erasing his sorry ass.

[elleng]

10. Clearly she has to leave him permanently.

Do what you can to encourage that.

Not a joke, just helped settle me down: http://www.democraticunderground.com/1018755173

[UTUSN]

11. Now. n/t

[Sherman A1]

19. Agreed

Getting out yesterday is far too soon. This person needs to go and faster than fast.....

[KMOD]

12. She needs to get out of that relationship right now.

[steve2470]

16. +1 nt

[Generic Brad]

13. That feels like an invasion of privacy

The thought of doing that to my SO would not occur to me and vice versa. I would be curious why they felt the need to do that, but I would not be indignant about it.

[fizzgig]

17. he'd have six feet of dirt between his teeth pdq if it were me

and she needs to get out. now.

[crim son]

18. Guys can be jealous and do some really stupid things in the heat of the moment.

I know this from personal experience. And I'm a forgiving person, so I will forgive an outburst, maybe two or three. But if the man in question does not understand and acknowledge that his behavior is grossly unacceptable and makes no real, largely successful effort to curb his worst impulses then it's time to say goodbye.

I feel for your friend and understand how she may feel trapped. You may not be able to fix anything but you do well to be there as that shoulder and offer your wise counsel. It's tough to watch somebody make the same mistakes over and over again but should she finally realize she needs to bail she will need all the support she can get.

[pipi_k]

20. Your question...

How long would it take before you kicked the psychopathic basket case to the curb?

It wouldn't take me long at all.

There was one time I got rid of the worst of them in under a year. That was right after he flew into a drunken/drug-fueled rage and tried to choke me in the middle of the road in the wee hours of the morning.

I don't take a whole lot of bullshit from abusive people, but that's just me. I don't have the constraints of cultural expectations.

So what she should do and what she's likely to do are probably two different stories, but it's good that you're in her life and that her husband is terrified of you.

[LeftinOH]

21. Immediately. n/t

[Skittles]

22. be on guard, Suji to Seoul

you may be in danger too

[Arugula Latte]

23. Insecure controlling macho asshole psycho -- she should RUN and never look back!

[bigwillq]

24. I would never let my SO know my phone password

If they found out, I would change it.

My phone is my phone. MY BUSINESS.

It's not that I am hiding anything, but it's not their business.

[MH1]

25. How long? Less than a nanosecond.

If she can live independently she needs to gather her stuff, get out, and get to a safe space where he can't find her.

If there is a domestic violence support line or center she needs to call it and take any help they can give her.

If there isn't, she should use her brains the best she can. She is in danger in this relationship. Wherever she escapes to might be dangerous too, but she would be escaping a definite danger for a possible danger. This is why when faced with a similar situation (long in my past), it literally took me no time at all to exit the relationship. Things weren't roses for a while afterward but at least I was alive and not permanently disfigured.