Congress adjourns after two days: "There's no way we can work with that man"
WASHINGTON (Spurious News Network) -- In what may set a record for brevity, Congress adjourned a mere two days into the new session.
According to House Majority Whip Steve Scalise, the adjournment is a result of President Obama's refusal to compromise. "We passed three Obamacare-repeal bills, approved the Keystone XL pipeline, banned abortion, eliminated taxes on the rich, abolished welfare, banned Islam, repealed Obamacare again, made homelessness a federal offense, and quadrupled the defense budget. Not only did that uppity (man) veto them all two seconds after they got to the White House, he put them in a garbage can, poured five gallons of gasoline on them and threw in a lit molotov cocktail. Since there's no way we can work with that man, we closed down Congress. Fuck it. We're going home to campaign. We'll just see if America can get along without us."
Within minutes of Scalise's announcement, the tragic results were plain for all to see. The stock market instantly began a meteoric climb, with the Dow closing at 19050.20. The price of gas dropped a dime. Newspaper classified ad lines were jammed, with companies waiting as long as three hours to place "help wanted" ads. According to the head of the White House switchboard, people have been calling in to complain all day: "The public wants to know why Congress shut down on a day when it was too cold to dance in the streets. They want to know why Congress couldn't have been more considerate."
For his part, the president is unruffled. "He considers Congress to be in recess, so he's entitled to appoint judges and other officials to serve through 2016," said a White House official who refused to be identified, but he's a skinny 50-year-old black guy with a head of gray hair. "Taxes will not be adjusted, and spending will remain at current levels. We should be okay."
