What's the funniest joke you know?

[crimsonblue]

I need a new joke. Tell me one.

[chknltl]

1. What do you get from kissing a sick bird?

Chirpies!.........it's a canarial disease......furthermore it's untweetable......(that said, you likely can figure out on your own why one shouldn't make whoopie with a sick alligator!)

[UrbScotty]

16. Wouldn't you get...

...bird flu?

[Rambis]

44. What's the difference between Rush Limpdog and the Hindenburg?

One is a flaming Nazi gas bag and the other is just a dirigible

[begin_within]

66. That joke should be ill egal

[sakabatou]

2. Alright.

Argon walks into a bar. The barman tells him to get the hell out. Argon doesn't react.

I wanted to tell people jokes about nitric oxide, but they kept saying, "NO!"

What did the element say to the police? "I CU, copper."

AU, want some gold?

A neutron wants to pay his tab. The bartender says, "For you, no charge."

What pest does chemists hate most? Mohls.

[nuxvomica]

10. What did the string theorist say when his wife found him in bed with another woman?

"Don't worry, honey. I can explain everything."

[jpak]

12. Bwahahahahah!!!111

[pokerfan]

3. What? The one I learned when when I was seven

concerning the adventures of the improbably named Johnny Fuckerfast?

[eridani]

29. But then there was the Canadian bus driver

When the little old lady gets on the bus and holles about her aspurns, the Canadian bus driver sez, "Well, maybe you left them back at the pharmacy, eh?"

[fadedrose]

77. Faster

[Bladian]

4. I die everytime I read this

A blind guy walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. The owner of the store says to the man, "There are no pets allowed in this store."

The man replies, "This is my seeing eye dog."

The owner lets the man have the dog in the store, but after about 10 minutes he sees the guy swinging the dog in circles above his head. He goes over to the man and says, "Sir, stop that. You are to going kill that dog."

To which the man replies, "I am just looking around."

[TexasTowelie]

5. Q. Do you like fish sticks?

A. Yes.

Response: Then you're a gay fish.

Credits to South Park for pulling that one on Kanye West. My apologies to the LGBT community before anyone hits the alert button.

[KamaAina]

47. "Do you like fish sticks?"

"Yes."

"So you like fish sticks in your mouth?"

"Yes."

"What are you, a gay fish?"

[Orrex]

6. This one is hard to convey in print:

Jokester: "Ask me why I'm so funny."

Victim: "Why are you so--"

Jokester: "Timing."

[Tunkamerica]

7. I got a note sent home in 10th grade for...

What's blue and creamy?

Smurf cum

[saras]

13. How did you find out?

[Tunkamerica]

27. ? i had to bring a note home to be signed. found out when the teacher kept me after class and gave

me the note to get signed.

[saras]

56. How did you find out what color Smurf cum was? It's supposed to be really hard to get them to cum.

[Tunkamerica]

59. i was just reporting what i was told.

[saras]

61. Who told you, and how did they know? Someone somewhere must have first-hand experience, so to speak.

[Tunkamerica]

64. it was azrael

[eridani]

30. What's purple and commutes?

An Abelian grape.

[Tunkamerica]

60. had to look that one up.

not my demographic.

[Tunkamerica]

8. Q. What's 664?

A. The neighbor of the beast.

[nolabear]

19. *snort!*

[bif]

9. A conservative, moderate, and a liberal walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hi Mitt!"

[KamaAina]

48. Actually, the barkeep should say

"Mitt Romney? What the hell are you doing in a bar?"

[Justice wanted]

11. Ever hear about the 2 drunks in a fifth story Bar?

Two drunks are drinking in a fifth story bar. After a few drinks one drunk goes over to the window jumps up onto the window ledge and jumps out the window. A few minutes later he comes walking up the steps sits back down at the bar and has a few more drinks. He repeats this process several times and finally the second drunk turns to the first drunk and ask- "How are you surviving? This bar is five stories up. How are you not dead from jumping out that window"?

First drunk- "Oh, the way this building is built there is a updraft and with all the gasses in your body you just float right down".

Second Drunk- "I've got to try this"! Finishes his drink. Jumps off the bar stool marches over to the window. Jumps up onto the window ledge. Jumps out the window. SPLAT!

Bartender looks at the first drunk: "You know you are a complete Asshole when you drink, Superman.

[saras]

14. Wanna hear a one-word lawyer joke?

Justice.

[rug]

15. Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping.

They pitched their tent under the stars, crawled in, and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

[Mendocino]

17. Why don't sharks eat lawyers?

Professional courtesy

[RiffRandell]

23. That's funny! n/t

[NightWatcher]

18. What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit's dick

[mysuzuki2]

24. That one doesn't make any sense.

Amphibians don't even have dicks. Ha Ha on you!

[saras]

62. They don't? Crazy!

[mysuzuki2]

63. Nope. The Class Amphibia reproduces like fish through external fertilization.

I wonder if they should envy us mammals or the other way around?

[saras]

72. I don't think that particular frog sees anything to envy in mammals, human or otherwise

I bet his cigarette tastes better than ours, too.

[mysuzuki2]

73. I'm sure he is well satisfied with his reproductive activities.

I wish I could say the same.

[OffWithTheirHeads]

20. No way I can tell it here!

[RFKHumphreyObama]

21. Herman Cain

[RiffRandell]

22. Ok it's a tad dirty haha.

What is our national bird...the eagle.

What is the wisest bird...the owl.

What bird symbolizes love...the dove

What bird symbolizes true love.....


The swallow.

[geardaddy]

42. ROFL

I like it.

[RiffRandell]

43. I'm glad you did.

[Special Prosciuto]

25. joke

A horse walks into a bar.

Bartender says "Hey! Why the long face?"

[nadine_mn]

26. Here's mine

an older gentleman is vacationing on a nudist beach. He is laying on his back enjoying the sun when a little girl approaches him, points to his naked private parts and asks "what's that?"

The man looks around for the little girl's mother, and not seeing her, isn't sure what to say so he tells the girl "ummmm...that's my pet bird"

The answer seemed to satisfy the girl, so she started playing in the sand and the man drifted to sleep.

When he wakes up, he is in the hospital and in excruciating pain. He looks around and asks "where am I? What happened?". A nurse tells him he is in the hospital and before she can tell him why, the little girl comes by his bed and says "I'll tell ya what happened, Mister. While you were sleeping I wanted to play with your pet birdie, but after I started petting it, it spit at me so I broke its neck, crushed its eggs and set its nest on fire"!

[OxQQme]

28. Mickey Mouse in divorce court

Mickey's standing before the judge.
Judge say's, "Mr Mouse, you can't divorce Mrs Mouse just because you think she's crazy."
Mickey say's, "Your Honor, I didn't say she was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy."

[Motown_Johnny]

31. So a Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything"

I know, but it is funny.

[PassingFair]

34. Not so funny to the Dali Lama.....

[Motown_Johnny]

35. Something lost in the translation there

but he did smile and laugh

[HERVEPA]

37. And hands the vendor a $20 bill

After a minute or so, he asks the vendor "Where is my change?"
Vendor replies "Change comes from within".

[Whisp]

41. lolz!

[eridani]

32. Favoritest engineer and scientist joke

An mathematician, a scientist, an engineer and a computer programmer were asked to prove or disprove the theorem that all odd numbers are prime.

Mathematician: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not prime. The theorem is false.

Scientist: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not prime, but that could be an experimental error. 11 is prime, 13 is prime--well, that's quite a few data points, so the theorem may be true, but further research is needed.

Engineer: If that were the case, it would really be useful and convenient. 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime, 15 is prime, 17 is prime, 19 is prime, 21 is prime, 23 is prime, 25 is prime, 27 is prime, 29 is prime--yep, looks like it's true.

Programmer: You really need a supercomputer to check a large number of cases, and here's the printout. 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime.............

[retread]

33. A guy in a padded cell keeps demanding

worship.
"Pray to me I am Jesus!!", he yells
"I am the son of God!!"

This goes on day and night for weeks.
Finally a bored attendant decides to amuse himself at the patient's expense.

He lets himself into the cell while the man is shouting he is the son of God.
The attendant interrupts the tirade, "Who are you?"
"I am the Son of God!"
"Who says?"
"God says!!"
Just then a voice comes from the next cell, "I did not!!"

[Ptah]

38. This is offensive on many levels.

Please delete it.

[unapatriciated]

39. and devoid of humor.

not the least bit funny.

[Sentath]

46. Sorry guys

My pastor disagrees with you.

He told a variant on it just 8 days ago, from the pulpit.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

75. it amazes me that he is asked politely to remove that and

dumbass posts are immediately alerted on. now dude, if that is not the funniest joke on here, you don't know funny like I know funny.

[onethatcares]

40. I took a viagra last night that got stuck in my throat and

I've had a stiff neck all day.

[geardaddy]

45. Jesus is on the cross.

The disciple John is down praying at the foot of the cross when he hears his lord's voice beckoning him, "John!"

Excited, John strains to hear what Jesus is saying, but Jesus just keeps, beckoning him, "John! John!"

So, John, excited whatever wisdom has to impart to him, goes into town and gets a ladder.

He returns to Calvary Hill to hear Jesus' ever more urgent calls for him.

He puts the ladder up against the cross and climbs to reach Jesus. "What is it, my Lord?!"

"John, I can see your house from here."

[KamaAina]

49. What happens when Rick Santorum takes Viagra?

He gets taller.

[KamaAina]

50. So Defense Secretary Panetta is giving the President his daily briefing...

..oh, never mind.

[cyberswede]

51. What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

.
.
.
Placement of the dirtbag.



(with sincere apologies to bikers and Harley riders everywhere)

[SecularMotion]

52. The Monkey Joke

[liberaltrucker]

53. From "All in the Family" as told by Archie (paraphrased)

A Rabbi and a Priest were having lunch.
The Priest suggests a ham sandwich.

Rabbi: " I can't eat pork, It's against my religion".
*Rabbi's wife walks in *
Rabbi: Father, have you considered taking a wife?
Priest: Violating my celibacy is against my religion.
Rabbi: I respect that, but I gotta say it's a hell of
a lot better than a ham sandwich!

[Ikonoklast]

54. My dog has no nose.

How does he smell?


Awful.

[benld74]

55. Poor Monkey,,,,

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar.
The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy.











"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

[geardaddy]

71. I've heard that one.

It's a favorite.

[ButterflyBlood]

57. Definitely NSFW

A man walks into a bathroom with two urinals, one already being used by a very short man. He goes to the other urinal and noticed the man is standing a bit away because he has a gigantic dick. After taking a glance he notices that it's the biggest dick he's never seen.

So then he asked the man "I'm not gay or anything but I couldn't help but notice how huge your dick is. How did it get that way?"

The short man replied "Well actually, I'm a leprechaun. I can grant you any wish, but to do that I have to shove this up your ass."

The man said "Well that might hurt a bit but if true it'll be worth it. I wish for a billion dollars." and then dropped his pants in front of the little man. The little man then took him from behind and shoved his dick in his ass very painfully.

After it was fully inserted the man said "Wow that hurt, but I'm surprised you got it all the way in there."

The little man said "I'm surprised you believed I was a leprechaun!"

[Initech]

58. Here's one:

"Did you hear the one about the guy who said "Hey son if you don't quit masturbating you're gonna go blind and he says Hey! Dad! I'm over here!"

[GeorgeHayduke]

65. Ugh, okay. Two.

Q: Why does a chicken coup only have two doors?

A: Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.



Aaaand for the coup de grace, if only to make up for the lame cake that was the first joke.

Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?

If you want the punchline to this most horrifically offensive joke, you'll have to PM me and provide picture ID that you're at least of drinking age. If you've heard it, please don't post it.

[fNord]

67. This is from Bill Hicks......Best Pun EVER

I love talking about Kennedy. I was just down in Dallas, Texas. You know you can go down there and, er, to Dealey Plaza where Kennedy was assassinated. And you can actually go to the sixth floor of the Schoolbook Depository. It's a museum called... 'The Assassination Museum'. I think they named that after the assassination. I can't be too sure of the chronology here but... Anyway they have the window set up to look exactly like it did on that day. And it's really accurate, you know, cos Oswald's not in it. "Yeah, yeh so wow that's cool." Painstaking accuracy, you know. It's true, it's called the 'Sniper's Nest'. It's glassed in, it's got he boxes sitting there. You can't actually get to the window as such but the reason they did that of course, they didn't want thousands of American tourists getting there each year going [Mimes looking out of window] "No fucking way! I can't even see the road. Shit they're lying to us. Fuck! Where are they? There's no fucking way. Not unless Oswald was hanging by his toes, upside down from the ledge. Either that or some pigeons grabbed onto him, flew him over the motorcade... Surely someone would have seen that. You know there was rumours of anti-Castro pigeons seen drinking in bars... Someone overhead them saying 'coup, coup' Coo.

[gratuitous]

74. Post 36 was a Bill Hicks, too

But it was hidden by a jury of apparent Philistines.

[Iwillnevergiveup]

68. A man walks into a bar in Florida

with his precious little Pomeranian on a leash. He ties him to a barstool, takes a seat and orders a drink. Soon another man enters with a big ugly yellow dog, ties him to a barstool nearby, takes a seat and orders his drink. In just a few seconds, the big ugly yellow dog moves over to the Pomeranian and gulps him down in one huge bite, leaving nothing but the leash.

The little fellow's owner is appalled and starts screaming at the man, "Did you see that? Your dog just ATE mine. What the hell kind of dog is that, anyway?"

The big ugly yellow dog's owner takes a sip of his drink, turns to the distraught man and says, "Well, before I cut off his tail and painted him yellow, he was a crocodile."

[Crabby Appleton]

69. My good jokes get deleted as too un-PC

I was in the pub on Saturday night.



I noticed two large girls by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I said



“Hi,are you two girls from Scotland?”

One of them chirped “It’s WALES you friggin' idiot!”

So I immediately apologized and said “Sorry,



Are you two whales from Scotland?”

*********************

Baby seal walks into a bar

bartender says " what'll you have?"

baby seal says "Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks!"

[mrmpa]

70. heard this one 30 years ago on the Bernie (?) Hill Show

An englishman was tired of his life, he always was making the wrong decision. He had the choice of 2 colleges to attend, he chose the wrong one. He had the choice of 3 majors to study, he chose the wrong one. He had the choice of 2 women to marry and he chose the wrong one. He had the choice of 2 jobs and he chose the wrong one.

He was fed up with it all and decided he would leave england and try to start anew. When he got to the airport he was asked where he wanted to go, he told the agent, "you make the choice."

He settled on the plane and it took off. Not long after the pilot came over the intercom and said "we have lost power to engines 1, 2 and 3, we are beginning to lose power in the 4th engine."

The poor englishman looked up to the heavens and said "Dear St. Francis, please save us." A voice answered him, "St. Francis Assissi or St. Francis Xavier?"

[kwassa]

76. There are three kinds of people in this world.

Those that are good at math, and those that aren't.

[ScreamingMeemie]

78. ...

Love it!

[ScreamingMeemie]

80. Two guys walked into a bar...

The third one ducked.


There, now you're posted in the correct place. For those who wondered what the self delete was about.