Buddhist Extremist Cell Vows To Unleash Tranquility On West

[geardaddy]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/buddhist-extremist-cell-vows-to-unleash-tranquilit,34623/

WASHINGTON—In a 45-minute video posted on Tibetan websites Thursday, Tsuglag Rinpoche, leader of the Buddhist extremist group Kammaṭṭhāna, threatened to soon inflict a wave of peace and tranquility on the West.

Speaking in front of a nondescript altar surrounded by candles, burning sticks of incense, and a small golden statue of the Buddha, Rinpoche did not specify when or where an assault of profound inner stillness would occur, but stated in no uncertain terms that the fundamentalist Buddhist cell plans to target all Western suffering.

“In the name of the Great Teacher, we will stop at nothing to unleash a firestorm of empathy, compassion, and true selflessness upon the West,” said Rinpoche, adding that all enemies of a freely flowing, unfettered state of mind will be “besieged with pure, everlasting happiness.” “No city will be spared from spiritual harmony. We will bring about the end to all Western pain and anxiety, to all destructive cravings, to all greed, delusion, and misplaced desire. Indeed, we will bring the entire United States to its knees in deep meditation.”

“Wisdom and virtue to America!” continued Rinpoche. “Wisdom and virtue to all living things on earth!”

According to reports, Rinpoche stressed throughout his address that Kammaṭṭhāna soldiers would continue waging a tireless holy war on Western feelings of emptiness and negativity for as long as necessary, noting that “a jug fills drop by drop” and that “it is better to travel well than to arrive.”

more at link

[malthaussen]

1. Ah, if only this wasn't the Onion.

Of course, if it was true, we'd probably be forced to drone them.

-- Mal

[LiberalEsto]

2. Meanwhile the Unitarian Jihad continues to fight for reasonableness.

They will insist on calm discussions -- or else!

[Jackpine Radical]

7. We are Unitarian Jihad.

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary.

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression!

People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you??? Whatever happened to ... you know, everything? Why is the news dominated by nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments have to be tattooed inside the eyelids of every American, or that Allah has told them to kill Americans in order to rid the world of Satan, or that Yahweh has instructed them to go live wherever they feel like, or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great idea? Sister Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we mean no disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians or Hindus. Referred back to the committee of the whole for further discussion.

[sharp_stick]

3. Stone the Bastards Back to the Bomb Age

.... or something to that effect.

[Jackpine Radical]

8. This calls for massive bombardment from a squadron of Jefferson Airplanes.

[F4lconF16]

9. ...

[hifiguy]

4. Thanks for the day brightener, geardaddy!

[geardaddy]

5. My pleasure HFG!

[A Simple Game]

6. How dare they! Who do they think we are, Sweden?

Quick, tell Seal Team Six to mount up while we still know where they are. We don't have to put up with this.

What? The Onion. Just when I had the armchair prepped with Pepsi and Cheetos for support. Damn it all, now I need to find a porn site.