A question of 'propriety.'

[elleng]

Is the Lounge the proper place to ask???

My younger daughter Julie, who lives near me, is expecting in July, and we're all very excited. I like her future husband a lot, as do I like his mother, with whom I have developed a friendship recently. In addition to the baby, we have an interest in photography in common, so she's visited at my cottage just to visit, but also to take pics of nature (and the family.)

A couple of months ago, at my suggestion and with her agreement, I forget exactly when, we agreed to host a shower for Julie, and tho I suggested having it at my place, we agreed that her place would be logistically better. I think we agreed to share the costs then. I've certainly mentioned a 50/50 split to her recently. (We've also agreed on who will give which of the several expensive gifts. I've already bought the crib.)

A few days ago, I noticed on fb that a friend of Julie's had received an invitation. I've waited for mine, it hasn't arrived, so I e.mailed Julie's future mother in law about it. Just a mail service problem, and she just sent me an e-mail attachment. Problem: My name is not on the invitation as a host, only mother in law and sister in law are.

I hate to say that I'm annoyed, but I am, and also somewhat concerned that many of my and Julie's friends (and relations) won't know that I am (or WAS to be) a host, or who the heck is Laurie and Kaitlyn, or that I approve and am happy about the baby coming.

Had to get this off my chest. Comments (and suggestions) appreciated.

Thanks

E

[Wait Wut]

1. Let it go.

You like these people. They probably just spaced the detail, or thought that since they were the physical hosts that they were the ones to be listed on the invite. It may hurt a little, but it probably really was innocent.

Instead, ask what you can do to help. Besides, you had a much more important part in this than hosting a baby shower.

Big gratz on the upcoming squishy!

Oh, and I doubt that anyone will think you aren't happy about the baby coming.

[elleng]

2. Thanks, Wut.

Much appreciated.

[antiquie]

3. Maybe they stick to really old traditions?

Let it slide...

While tradition says that relatives shouldn't host your shower, we (and most people we know) think this is pretty outdated.

It's true that "proper etiquette rules" have relaxed a great deal since Emily Post, especially for baby showers. However, in the world of baby shower etiquette, most people would consider it really tacky to host your own shower. Showers can be given by most anybody these days but are usually hosted by a girlfriend or a grandma-to-be. If you have enough friends and relatives to attend a shower, I bet someone among that group will throw one for you. If you don't hear of any plans, try dropping some subtle hints

[elleng]

7. I DOUBT they're old traditional,

in fact, I KNOW they're not!

[Major Nikon]

4. Sounds like a serious breach of protocol

Seriously though as someone who was collateral damage in the in-law wars, you've gotta let the small stuff go in the interest of getting along. One of two possibilities seem to exist. Either the things you mentioned were an unintentional oversight, or they were done on purpose. Either way I don't see the upside to making much of it. The last thing new parents are going to want is having to sort out squabbles between the grandparents. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. The one that will come out on top is the one that takes the high road. If the other parents did this on purpose they will do other things and eventually the kids are going to take note and hold it against them. Just be there for the kids and the grandkid as they will almost certainly be leaning on both sides of the family in the next few years and there will be plenty of other opportunities. Tell the kids you want to host the next big event like the christening (if you have one) or the 1st birthday party. If the tables are turned, don't put it back on the other grandparents as it will just make you appear petty.

[elleng]

6. Thanks.

Have thought I'd only mention it IF a friend/relative on 'my' side of the family asks. I will NOT be a cause of family friction; have had quite enough of that from another part of the family.

[Phentex]

5. I would be direct...easier said than done...

I find it odd that she didn't consult you on the invitation in the first place since you are also hosting. Are they email invitations?

I think I would ask her if she is still considering you a host since you did not see your name on the invite. Then leave her to explain if you are or not. If not, you don't have to pay. If you are, then she needs to tell you why she left you off.

[elleng]

8. Think I'll play it by ear, edited

until the time comes closer (unless I get a question from a friend/family from our side of the family.) LATER, will ask about the impending cost.

Paper invitations, and the 2, mother in law and sister in law, are physically closer to eachother than I am, I'm about 60 miles away, they're both creative, I'm not, and easy and habitual for them to collaborate.

[trof]

9. I'm really sorry. Really. I know I'm a geezer.

I know that I don't live in the 'modern world'.
But you lost me at 'expecting in July' and 'future husband'.
We just didn't used to do it that way.

Judgmental?
Guilty.
Sorry.
All the best.

[Phentex]

10. It's not uncommon at all...

and certainly does not carry the stigma it once did.

[trof]

12. I understand that. And I'm prepared for all manner of hell to rain down on me.

I just felt I had to speak my mind.

I have no problem with premarital sex.
I have happily engaged in it myself.
But today there are so many effective ways to avoid pregnancy.

[elleng]

11. Thanks, geezer,

and that part is sad, so I didn't explain it earlier, but you asked, you get it:

Julie's father, my husband, estranged and separated since '06, died last year, just about a year ago, and Julie hadn't married by that time. Her sister had done so, 2 years ago, in a big bang wedding which we paid through the nose for, and caused us all much stress.

Julie couldn't, and still can't, bring herself to marry without her father walking her down the aisle, tho she's engaged. I expect they'll do it some day, but I don't want to raise the issue too much, reminding her. (In my opinion, the only relevant issues are practical ones, but that's just me.)

[trof]

14. Good for you.

I understand.
Deal with the practical issues.

I went through the 'big bang' stre$$$ with our only child's wedding about 15 years ago.

The cost would have made a damn good down payment on a house.
Which I suggested.

But since Miz t. and I basically eloped, she and my daughter wanted the BIG CHURCH WHOLE MAGILLA.
So be it.


The groom's parents were divorced and hated each other.
My daughter's future mother-in-law was fairly heavily sedated for the wedding and reception.

We got through it, and I got two terrific grandkids.

[840high]

13. I would be very annoyed.

[trof]

15. OK. I consulted Miz t.

She's my 'go to' in matters like this.
She says a direct approach is called for.

Call the woman and say "Possibly there was a miscommunication? I thought we had agreed that we were co-hosts for this event? If not, that's fine. Did I misunderstand our arrangement?"

She posits that this will forestall future hard feelings.
For what it's worth.
trof

[elleng]

16. Thanks