Need some outside perspective on a dilemma with a friend.

[Mrdrboi]

In a skype call with 2 other of my friends. We got into a heated discussion about suicide. Friend A kept making Joke after Joke about the Amanda Todd situation. It got really on my nerves. Friend B laughed along with that. I said to both Friend A and B that you two are heartless people for making fun of people who commit suicide.

Friend B went off on a Big rant on me because I called him heartless. Saying His mother almost killed herself few times and she told him to make light of it. Friend B thinks we should Make light on people who commit suicide because that is what they secretly wanted is fun in their lifes. He thinks suicide is a Bitch way out and he almost committed suicide one time before. He also talked a close friend of his from doing suicide.


Am I wrong in this situation for calling him heartless?

[DebJ]

1. Are these young guys? I think maybe they just don't know how to handle such a

highly emotionally-charged issue, and so they 'handle' it with humor.
It's not that the people who committed suicide needed humor, it's that
your friends need humor to dismiss what otherwise might be too overwhelming
for them, especially the one who's mother attempted suicide.

Young men seem to use the humor approach for a lot of inappropriate things
because they can't handle their own emotions about things.

Just IMHO.

[Mrdrboi]

5. These guys are around my age early 20s.

I just feel like mocking someone because they did suicide is not very right. Whether or not calling them heartless was right thing to do but I got very annoyed with the Jokes.


Many thanks for the reply.

[pipi_k]

7. Even some

older people have trouble with the issue, and I've seen people laughing and joking at wakes and funerals simply because they just can't handle the emotions and the scary notion of facing their own mortality at some point.

So yes...I think your assessment of the situation is probably correct.

[LumosMaxima]

2. Grrrr

I just got into it with some dipsh*ts on another site who were accusing a suicidal person of wanting attention, telling them to just cheer up, stuff like that. You were right. They were heartless, and ignorant.

This is a topic that I know a lot about from both my personal life and from studying suicidology. I am often frustrated by the stupid things people believe about suicide and suicidal people. But in my experience, it doesn't do much good to try to educate people.

[lovemydog]

3. Deep in your heart, you are probably right

so just go with what your gut tells you. Consider spending more time with other people who don't act in ways that stress you out. I think all of life, we try to do that, no matter at what age. We try and get toward people with whom we feel more comfortable. At the same time, without beating yourself up over it, try and think of ways that you can say something like that, alternative to calling someone heartless. I mean, there may have been ways to get your point across better or more effectively. But that part, don't sweat it too much. I agree with the poster above me who mentioned that joking and humor are often ways of dealing with difficult things, and as you found out these other two folks really have had serious experience with suicide. I think pretty much everyone has or knows someone who has, so be aware that reactions or humor or even denial and suppression are part of the myriad radically different responses. There's no right or wrong way to deal with different subject matter that is so deeply visceral. Apart from being abusive toward others - that's always wrong. I think suicide is still one of the most difficult subjects that exists. So, even though most have some knowledge of it and maybe experience with it, actions and reactions regarding discussing it are going to vary wildly. Just my two cents. Thanks for bringing it up, and I hope some of my thoughts help you a bit.

[Mrdrboi]

4. Thanks for the response.

Its just that he makes fun of the people who commit suicide. I.E Amanda Todd.

I called him Heartless because I felt its wrong to make fun of people who do,do that,and he went off on a rant and got mad like I never heard before. Told me to go fuck myself and this and that.

I told them before stuff like that bothers me greatly but they keep doing it saying I should learn to take a Joke or something.



Many Thanks for the response. Gave me something to think about.

[lovemydog]

8. No worries

Yeah, that sucks. Consider how the joking makes you feel and why. Then consider it from others point of view as well. Good luck.

[Arcanetrance]

6. It is cold people have a lot of reasons for killing themselves

To chalk up to jokes about them is disrespectful. I speak from experience I did try and actually succeeded briefly but was resuscitated. There are reasons people think of taking such a final step and even more reasons why they decide to go through with it.

[Mrdrboi]

9. My "Friend" says its because its what they secretly want.

Is to have some fun or something in their lifes.


Thanks for the reply.

[Arcanetrance]

10. No offense but your friends an idiot who deserves his ass kicked

Suicide is basically the final answer to a problem there's no fun there secret or otherwise. The absolute feeling of helplessness one goes through to reach that point is the most empty hollow feeling one can have its like a total void nothing else exists inside of it except you and the emptiness

[Mrdrboi]

18. Non taken. I really must of hit some nerve of his.

When I called him heartless. He went off cursing like a sailor at me. He told other friend to boot me out of the skype call. One of the other friends in the call. Said the rant on me he did was totally justified.

[Jenoch]

11. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, in most cases.

Anyone who jokes about committing suicide should be taken seriously.

[Coventina]

12. "Heartless" probably set him off because he doesn't see himself that way.

He's merely ignorant about what causes people to commit suicide.

In the vast majority of cases, people kill themselves because they feel trapped, without any sign of hope, and are in so much mental pain that suicide is, for them, euthanasia.
They don't do it because they are "selfish".
They don't do it to hurt others.

This is something you have grasped that your friend has not.

This might be because your friend's mother told him to make light of it. That was a tragic mistake. She may have been trying to shield him from worry, but it will cause more damage in the long run.

If you want to read the perspective of someone who is battling depression and has contemplated suicide, read the blog "Hyperbole and a Half", the "Adventures in Depression, Parts 1 & 2" posts.

Maybe have your friend read it as well.

Good luck to you with your friends!

[Mrdrboi]

13. Thanks.

Ill be sure to check out those blogs.

My friend updated the skype mood messaged saying I'm a fucking piece of shit for calling him heartless. Hope hes not too far gone. Ill be sure to link him to the blogs if things gets patched up.

[Coventina]

16. Here is the link to make it easier

so you don't have to hunt through the blog.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013_05_01_archive.html

I think this is the best writing (and drawing) about depression and suicidal ideation ever done.

[Baitball Blogger]

14. I was in a writing class where a young student admitted she was Baker Acted

and that all she wanted to do was end it all. Instead of support and encouragement to hang on, because it will get better, the teacher and another student said that they would support her in her cause.

I lost it. I asked them what right did they have to give her advice if they were encouraging her to off herself.

I got a "B" in a class that should have been an easy "A."

[mainstreetonce]

15. The reasons for suicide can't be understood

The person who commits suicide is not rational, so you can't exp,ain what they thought or felt.

It is not OK to joke about it anymore than it would be OK to joke aboutvthe murder of a loved one.

[Shankapotomus]

17. We always leave ourselves

open to being criticized in return when we make a personal judgement about someone. Sometimes it's hard to refrain when you think it calls for you to say something but you have to check yourself if you're not ready for the blowback.

The sandwich method is probably the best way to launch a critique of someone if you really feel you must say something.

[UTUSN]

19. My problem in "discussions" is picking your audience and picking the hill to die on

And I probably won't ever learn

[Skittles]

20. why are you friends with assholes like that?

they sound clueless and disgusting

[Mrdrboi]

21. They not use to be that way. Well for 2 of them.

The one who ranted on me for calling him heartless I known for 6 months.