Come on, fess up.

[rug]

[In_The_Wind]

1. It usually works.

Especially, when I'm holding the door open for a man.

[rug]

2. The real test of a master is to shrug your shoulders and let go of the door as soon as they speed up

[In_The_Wind]

4. Yeah. But I would never do that irl.

So I'm not going to get a high score at being passive aggressive.

[rug]

5. Me either.

[840high]

12. Never.

[Shampoobra]

6. There's a simple way to deal with this

Don't walk faster.

Maintain eye contact with the stranger, as if he's clearly about to start a conversation (because why else would he stop walking fifteen feet early, and turn around and stare at you).

When you arrive at the door, thank him the way you'd thank anyone you were paying to open and close doors for you.

Passive-aggressives are fast learners, when subjected to such treatment. You're basically doing the guy a favor by teaching him social skills.

[HipChick]

7. Elevators...I hit the close door button

as soon as they get close enough..

I might wave or something...but not when I'm in NYC

[rug]

8. There are only two elevators in my town.

Both are in two story buildings.

If somebody goes in before me I politely say "Three please."

My best time was 28 seconds but he was from out of town.

[HipChick]

9. omg..

[IrishAyes]

20. I just remembered a game learned from what I heard about

Hitchcock doing, and maybe others. If you're with another person and you enter an elevator with other people, you start a mysterious conversation relating to some horrific event such as a recent (or planned) murder, and make sure the most exciting part happens just as you reach your floor and exit the elevator, leaving the remaining passengers tantalized.

[rug]

34. Lol, I wish you hadn't told me that.

When my daughter was born I got on the elevator with her and two residents. One of them said, "What a cute baby boy!" The other resident said. "Why do you think it's a boy?" The first one said, "Look at him, he's all wrapped up in a blue blanket." The second one said "That's ridiculous" and asked me if my baby was a boy or a girl. I wouldn't tell him.

When I got off the elevator with my daughter they were still in there arguing. I sometimes wonder if they ever found their way to DU.

[IrishAyes]

35. Well, I figured you might be short of bad habits and I like to share with my friends.

[trof]

10. Maybe you need a hobby?

[IrishAyes]

11. He already has a hobby. Playing with us.

[IrishAyes]

18. Why? Do you feel as if you're losing? Rug wields a sharp wit, but he never draws blood.

If he wanted to, you'd know it.

[IrishAyes]

13. If I may be forgiven for tooting my own horn,

I've had a lifetime of practice managing serious passive aggressives. A little innocent game playing is fun enough and I've indulged myself when the mood struck. But now I mean the seriously harmful variety, particularly those known as mil's. Mine, for instance, once wanted me to pick her up and take her to a certain event with me. So I told her sure, I'd be over at such and such a time, but I don't like to be late so we have to leave by five minutes later so be sure you're ready.

Can you believe? When I got to her house, she still wasn't ready! Had no decent excuse for it either. She wasn't handicapped in any way, there'd been no kitchen fire, etc. Her entire purpose was to force me to wait and suffer the agonies of tardiness. When I expressed polite dismay and offered to help her any way possible, she made it clear we'd leave when she was good and ready. So I told her, 'we' might leave when she decided to get the lead out, but I was definitely leaving in 5 minutes. She thought she could hold her son's displeasure over my head, but she found out different when I later glanced at my watch, announced that time was up, and walked out the door. She stood there screaming at me while I climbed back in the car and gunned it out of her driveway.

Two books which did most to prepare me for life around that sort of person were 'Games People Play' and 'The Sociopath Next Door'. I highly recommend both to anyone unfamiliar with the fine art of pushing back. It can be a lot of fun. And you might as well enjoy yourself while you're about it, because rotten people will call you satanic!

[IrishAyes]

16. If you like that sort of book,

allow me to recommend Nancy Friday's 'Jealousy'. Best I ever read on the subect.

[NV Whino]

24. I have a friend who is consistently late

A form of passive aggression. Most of the time I just let her be who she is. The other day, however, when she wanted to go look at TVs (she needed me to get into Costco), I laid down the rules. I knew I was in trouble when she offered to drive. I told her what time I wanted to leave and what time I wanted to arrive at our destination, and what time I expected to return... And what we would do in between. As in, no extra shopping and no lunch.

She called me a little later and said, because she had other shopping to do, she said perhaps it would be best I'd she went alone. She ended up getting a Costco membership on her own as she should have done in the first place.

The key is, as you have stated, don't let them set the rules/parameters.

[IrishAyes]

26. If I may be forgiven ONE more story:

A particular 'friend' wanted to go with me to see the Grand Canyon, one of my favorite places on earth, so when I went to pick her up that morning (long drive), she came out in a garden party dress with high heels. When her broken ankle was barely healed. I suggested she get something she could walk in because even though we were going to catch a bus in Flag, there would still be a lot of walking involved.

No, she had to wear her prissy heels. So by the time the bus pulled up to the first tour stop, she announced her foot hurt too bad for her to walk and I should stay with her because she was afraid to be alone on that big scary bus. I reminded her about her stubborness with shoes and said point blank, I didn't drive all the way up here to sit on a bus and babysit. So I got off there and every other stop and had one whale of a good time. She never tried to tag along again. I would've enjoyed reasonable company, but she didn't meet muster.

Remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said; nobody can make you feel inferior (or in this case, manipulated) without your consent.

[NV Whino]

27. Yep.

[marzipanni]

37. Reminded me of the beginning of "Thelma and Louise"

which I finally watched and enjoyed thoroughly.

[IrishAyes]

38. So THAT'S what's been wrong w/me all these years!

I'm flattered whether I should be or not.

[IrishAyes]

21. Apparently I upset someone who deleted a couple of answers to my posts.

No offense intended, really. As I said of Rug, if I want to draw blood, it can't be missed. But I seldom do, and I don't know when I've ever seen him do that in a mean-spirited way. Still, the other person seems to have been genuinely upset by my posts at least, and I never meant that to happen.

[pipi_k]

22. If I had an inkling

That someone was playing that sort of passive aggressive game with me, it's not out of the realm of possibility that I would return the favor and play a little game right back, stopping to tie my shoe, or pick up something I dropped, etc, just to see how long the game player would actually stand there holding the door open

Yes, I am a shit sometimes

[IrishAyes]

36. Good for you. And thanks for the extra tips. No matter how expert we might be,

we can always learn a few new tricks. I remain at your service in gratitude.

[Duer 157099]

23. How is that passive aggressive?

I thought that passive-agressive behavior was a very specific thing, not just any assholery. If someone is holding the door open, how is that passive aggressive? Is it because it is something that seems nice but really isn't? What if they are just clueless?

Can someone explain/define?

[NV Whino]

25. Passive aggression has to do with control

Holding the door for someone so far away forces them to speed up. You have just controlled the other person's actions. Passive aggression comes in many forms. And most times it is very subtle.

I learned the techniques from an expert—my mother.

[Duer 157099]

28. I thought it was defined as when actions don't match the words

Like how Southerner's say "bless his heart" to mean something totally different. Or when someone says they'll do something but then don't do it. Control issues are something else, no?

[NV Whino]

29. It takes many forms

Chronic Lateness A way to put you in control over others and their expectations

http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellor-articles/what-is-passive-aggressive-behaviour

[Duer 157099]

30. Hmm, thanks for that link

I recognize many of those

But what is one to do when faced, for example, with a situation where one truly *is* too angry or upset to discuss something? Seems to me that waiting until cooling down is the right course. I do that very often. Never thought it was passive aggressive... oops...

And chronic lateness: I think I do that because I hate waiting, and if I get somewhere too early then I have to wait around. I try to not be late, but I do cut it awfully close. Not to control anyone, but to avoid waiting and boredome. Lots to think about. Thanks.

[NV Whino]

32. I hate being late so much that I'm chronically early, another problem altogether.

A few minutes either way is no problem. And being late once in a while isn't the problem. It's the consistent half an hour, or more, lateness that becomes passive aggressive. It's not just arriving late somewhere, it's not being ready when someone is picking you up. It's not being ready when you're entertaining and you have set the starting hour. It's agreeing to bring appetizers to a party and arriving after dinner has been served. It's arriving late to a meeting and "making an entrance" rather than quietly slipping in.

As far as anger goes, cooling down is good. Expressing that anger later in a surreptitious way is not.

[IrishAyes]

31. The only personality type harder to deal with than a dedicated hardcore destructive

passive aggressive is the borderline personality. They're so bent and impossible to deal with that I run like a turkey at Thanksgiving when I encounter one. Actually, I think the two conditions are often related.

None of which is to criticize a little lighthearted game playing now and then, so long as it remains brief, occasional, and harmless. Though if I'm stuck with what I consider a hardcore case, I've been known to throw it back at them full force.

[Vashta Nerada]

33. "Minnesota nice" is another phrase for "passive-aggression".

Minnesotans, for some reason, are passive-aggressive people. Not all of them, of course, but a majority of them are.

[geardaddy]

40. Yep,

I think it's the Lutheranism/Scando thing.

I'm MN born and bred, but not Lutheran or Scando.

[Vashta Nerada]

41. I am too and I currently live in

St. Cloud. I see that happening here all the time.



I was baptized Lutheran and I'm Scando. I'm a MN stereotype.

[geardaddy]

42. There are definitely exceptions to the rule

I have quite a few Scando or German Lutheran friends who aren't passive-agressive.

I feel for you living up in White Cloud.

[Vashta Nerada]

43. Only for another couple of months or so.

Then I'll be graduated and moving on with my life. Where will I be? I have no idea. But I look forward to it.

[geardaddy]

44. Well, early congrats on your graduation.

and good luck on your future.

[Vashta Nerada]

45. Thank you.

[geardaddy]

39. I only hold the door for someone

if they're withing 5 feet of me.

[Gidney N Cloyd]

46. I'll point out the "awkward zone" to door holders if I have to.

Exception of course is if the holder knows you. Then the courtesy zone expands.

[rug]

47. Lol! Especially the second one.