Sorry to be a downer, but damn, I am a broken man!
It all started around four years ago when I found out my wife was cheating. She had been my dream, my best friend, and the sexiest woman I could even imagine.
I was devastated, but not entirely surprised.
She had been leading up to this for several years. Excessive flirtations, dodgy internet activity, "phone" buddies - that sort of thing. We even went to couples therapy over it. (I want my money back 
)
So the actual real-world cheating was a deal-breaker for me. I moved out. I threatened divorce, but I never really followed through on the legal paper work. There was always an excuse to put it off a few months.
Reconciling with her is not an option and never really was. She'd just do it again. Nothing in her has changed.
I guess a part of me was hoping that she would realize what she had "lost" one day and start at least trying to make amends. But no. I don't think she feels like she has "lost" anything.
And why not? What is so unattractive and/or unsexy about me as to render my love "disposable"? Well, I know that I'm a depressed, whining little shell of a man now, but I wasn't that way when she started all of this.
Well sorry for the pathetic rant. I hope no one replies and it sinks like a stone. I just don't seem to have the ability to get past this thing that has happened in my life. I want to find love again, but I'm shy and I don't have a large social network and I'm afraid there is something profoundly undesirable and unlovable about me that I'm just too dumb to see anyway.
Sigh.
Now, off to listen to the Joy Division album again.
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You have as much desirability as your wife and you will know that when you find someone else. But you can know it know if you want. Just change your thinking, (A bit easier said than done).
If you look at your thinking you will see it is all in the past or in the future, not in the now. If you can get into the now you will feel good. You have to keep a good watch on your thought though.
I find that doing something that takes my brain up helps. You can do a set puzzle, (it is maddening sometimes). Just look it up on Google.
Anything non emotional is helpful I think. I've even counted backward from 1,000 by 7's to get my mind off of what I am feeling.
I wish the very best for you. I wish you happiness and peace.
Eagles, man!
Thanks, though.
Sometimes taking tangible steps to close that door can move you off the dime and onto better things.
After that maybe sign up for some of those singles groups that do fun things together - not necessarily romantic (like bowling or wine tasting or going to a ball game), but something that gets you out with women who are on your wavelength. Or go and volunteer. Of join your church choir - something! Anything!
But I'm thinking you have to be truly "single" before you can allow yourself to open up enough again to contemplate another relationship.
Good luck! We're rooting for you!!
The way you feel is normal. I'll bet that his has happened to most of us. It's happened to me more than once. I'm a lesbian and you would think that I would have women figured out. Nope.
Well, my problem was I always fell for the wrong type of person and didn't get out when the red flags were every where.
You have a chance to move from this relationship and take a deep breath and feel relieved. I'll bet if you go back through the last few years with her you'll remember times were not that great and you just plowed through them.
Give yourself some time to heal, then let it go.
Oh, and it's not you, it's her. You are not the problem with the relationship, she messed up. It's not your fault.
You'll find love again, probably when you're not quite ready. But, be open to friendship.
Good luck and know that you're not alone.
Mary
I found out about infidelity in my own marriage last year. Most painful, horrible thing that has ever happened to me in my life, bar none. 
So I'm right there with you in spirit. And trust me, it's not you, it's her. People who commit infidelity are almost always trying to fix something broken inside themselves, to fill personal voids with the relationship equivalent of junk food. Working on yourself is always a good idea no matter what place in life in which you find yourself, but still you should never blame yourself for her poor coping skills and inappropriate life choices.
There's a great forum on the web for those of us who found ourselves members of the shittiest club nobody ever wanted to join. It's called www.survivinginfidelity.com. It's actually been kind of a lifesaver for me over the past 8 months.
BTDT.
Thanks for the link.
And huge hugs to the OP. It's been roughly 4 years for me too...not over it. Getting better, but it's a slow process. I joined a divorce support group and it helped. See if there's one in your area. They aren't all alike, but mine was super helpful.
First, as rider wrote, get the divorce final. Taking that first step will free up your stuck energy.
Of course you are loveable. Somebody married you once. Cheating is not a reflection on you or measure of your loveability; it's a reflection on her inability to grow up and be real.
Once you've started getting your divorce finalized, join a club. Take a class in something you always wanted to learn or do. Volunteer at something. There you will meet like-minded people in a no-pressure environment.
The fact that you posted this here tells me you are ready to move forward. So go on and take that first step.
He started being a broken man about 10 years before his 40 year marriage ended. Painful to watch it happen… in his case, very painful year to two years afterwards.
It got better because he is learning to be stronger. There are many ways. They always are aided by a supportive group of folks. Thankfully, he has his two sisters and at least one of his three children and that family.
Those who thought he'd remain weak are wrong, but it didn't happen because of luck… It got better because the right people cared. Ultimately, he cared and respected himself after doubts that he could again.
You can and will again. Your rant wasn't pathetic. It was cathartic.
What I want to address is your comments about feeling undesirable and unlovable because your spouse cheated on you. Let me put your mind at rest on that score.
First of all - sad fact of life - cheating is so damn common. I'm sitting here taking a mental inventory of the people I've known throughout my life and having a very hard time thinking of an unaffected person. Saddest of all, IMO, are the situations where one partner turns a blind eye because they just can't face getting out there and starting over. Glad that's not going to be you.
But the point I want to make is there have been many situations I've been close to where I can tell you, as an objective female observer, the cheated upon husband is undeniably hot, not to mention intelligent, funny and generally desirable in all the various ways that ping your radar as a woman. And more often than not, the person with whom the unfaithful spouse has chosen to cheat is a total "meh". How many times have I had the "what the hell is she thinking?" conversation with friends, as we all wonder why in hell she'd hook up with the nothing boyfriend when we know what she's got at home. I couldn't even guess.
I've become convinced that it's the forbidden fruit factor that underlies a good deal of cheating, which needless to say, is no reflection on you. And it never ceases to amaze me when I see the desirable guys who get cheated on - the ones that leave you thinking, damn, if I was only unattached myself...
Who knows what sort of amazing woman is out there waiting for you. When you find your next love, and you will (trust me, lots of women really go for the shy type), it just might hit you like a thunderclap and when it does, you'll be damned glad you did the smart thing and put your unfaithful ex behind you.
Hang in there - happier days ahead 
