I'm kind of depressed, ok, pretty down. My update.
Um, it's kind of weird, I was giddy with happiness when I was re-diagnosed with C-PTSD instead of Bipolar II, this was last spring and kind of over the summer. There are no definitive tests for mental illness like there can be for physical things, no MRI or blood test can say definitely "what you have". It's a question of parsing complex symptoms and trying to make a coherent image from a thousand puzzle pieces. But, I felt relief at PTSD. Until I came to realize that a diagnostic code, a name, doesn't mean all that much when confronted with the reality that all of the same problems still exist, no matter what I or my Dr or an insurance company calls it.
So, I've had some interesting experiences good and bad. A year ago today, I kinda felt like I had rejoined the world of the living. And kind of felt like I would never be welcome there again among the good and "normal" folks. And kinda learned along the line that pretty much all of that is bullshit, as Bon Jovi says, "It's ok to be a little broken, everybody's broken in this life" (I still love Bon Jovi). Everyone is broken in their own way, we all have problems, and baggage. I really do feel like PTSD is a "fit" with what is going on with me. And, one effect, it tends to really magnify feelings, intensify them, the bad ones. Which is why I took things so, so hard, and why I allowed my mind to go to such dark places along the way.
I shared this a few weeks ago on the MH Support forum, then deleted it away. Something I was more deeply ashamed of, and scared of, than anything else that happened last year, and which I really never admitted to anyone for the longest time. And, a weird thing all around, given my history of both the far past and last year. I came very, very close, seconds, to killing myself last year in the pre-dawn, still, warm muggy silence of the Sunday morning of Labor Day weekend, sitting on the end of a fishing dock/pier that juts out in to a beautiful bay at a local park. A favorite place. A place of beauty and tranquility. Because I thought my life, with a Dx of a serious mental illness, was just over, I was toast, no hope, no Deus ex Machina to save me, just a fast downhill spiral into a grim fate. Once again, I was wrong. So, I could have done it. And, at the very last minute, after a lot of pleading and crying and begging God not to foresake me, I pulled away, I resisted.
And I have been deeply ashamed of this fact for the past 13 months. And I think about it a lot. And at times, I have regretted that I didn't go through with it.
And I had a real epiphany about the entire matter yesterday. I have spent the last year looking at this as my lowest point, an act of cowardice, shame, fear, wrapped up in a heavy dose of guilt and extreme self-hatred. But yesterday, one of those light bulb moments, it hit me that what I actually did that morning on that pier was my most profound act of bravery and courage of my entire life. I showed guts, and cajones, by NOT doing myself in. Because that would have been the easy way, the quick way out, an end to it. Instead, I faced the last year full of serious challenges, a lot of overwhelming moments, a lot of grief, and a whole lot of tears, more than I knew I had inside me. And moments of feeling I was utterly degraded and dehumanized. And moments feeling like I was on top of the world, that people were seeing the true me, and loved and supported me, for which I will always be grateful.
So, in the past 2 months, I have really been actively confronting all of this. And, it did bring up a lot of pain, caused a lot of depression. I have now, in contrast to a year ago, a super psychiatrist, a great therapist, and a lot of other people who are so there for me, I am blessed to have them. We watch things very closely, meds, etc. I posted something a week ago on the Men's forum that caused some concern, I would like to reiterate that I'm really OK. Not easy, but I'm ok, and I deal with it day to day. I do have plans, hopes, and dreams for the future. I believe the reason depression has come back is because I am working through all of this, and it's very vivid in my mind, often 24/7, and that is hard. But necessary, it's like going through chemo or a transplant or a triple bypass, a tough thing but absolutely necessary for survival.
So, I just wanted to share this with you. My single biggest challenge right now is getting over a white hot self-hatred. It comes from a lot of things, the way I was abused as a kid, the way I was misdiagnosed and had the wrong drug, really wrong for my symptoms, so it didn't help when I really needed help, a lot of things. But, I'm trying NOT to do that to myself, that was the biggest piece of advice from my Dr this morning, other than upping my prozac a bit.
As with all of us here that struggle, The BV family, LFR, so many of us, we deal, we live, we move forward, we laugh, we cry, and we survive. Most of all, we survive. And in that, we are stronger than we know. I love you all.
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a most profound act of bravery and courage of your entire life, and I'm very pleased to read that now, finally, you have a super psychiatrist, a great therapist, and a lot of other people who are so there for you.
Pretty rough for some years, but must say I don't understand the self-hatred and guilt, not part of me at all.
Returned husb's apartment mail box key today, so that part is over. Will have daughters' feelings of loss to deal with forever, but its not mine (except that his behavior did rob us all of some good years, which DOES make me sad, and sometimes mad.)
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
You're doing well man. You really seem to be doing so. Keep it up.
Any how, you also have people here that care about you, so stay around a while.
I mean, I remember when you started talking about working out and how it has changed things.
I thought that was important. Me, I had to push mine harder when I went and had a panic attack a year after my father died. He had his first stroke when he was younger than I was. So, I've been trying hard to keep anything of that sort at bay. It is helpful to see other people cite what they are doing to keep issues at bay since it shows success which inspires someone like me to try harder.
Even if I still don't have my six pack. 
Food is way too awesome, so... I can't seem to cut down.
Damn right. 
I'm one of those people that everyone thinks has their shit together. Nothing gets to me. Solid steel. I'm always the strong one in every relationship. I very rarely show any emotion. Tough as nails.
But, I'm not. I just don't want people close to me. I don't want to share my life. I have zero patience with myself when I make a mistake. I refuse to forgive myself for the mistakes I've made. I don't allow myself to be weak. It sucks Denninmi.
Your gentle nature and kind heart are the results of the pain you've been through. My anti-social behavior is mine. Yours is better, trust me.
Please, please, please...always remember your strength. If you make me that promise, I'll try to be a nicer person.
