planning a wedding... (help...)

[orleans]

not for me--for my daughter.
any suggestions? any ideas?
i guess the reception line is a thing of the past.
they take "first look" pictures now so the groom sees the bride before the ceremony.
it's still a ways down the road but they have checked out various venues and my daughter spends a lot of time on wedding websites. i just found out the rehearsal dinner isn't necessarily for the rehearsal of the wedding (which i always thought it was)--so i'm learning a lot about something that NEVER interested me--i've never been married/never gone through any of this before.
so...any ideas for novel things or suggestions as to what to avoid?

[Sherman A1]

1. All I can offer is

my best wishes to the happy couple and my advice to just take it all in stride.

I worked the church hall when in High School for weddings back in the 1970's and we saw all sorts of interesting things.

1). A band did not show up.
2). A caterer did not show up.
3). A multi tiered cake that melted and looked like a leaning tower.
4). A dice game in the men's restroom.
5). A hostile group of groom's relatives who ended up in a fist fight, I think I got hit trying to break it up.
6). Several groups who simply would not leave.

It was often very entertaining.

[B Calm]

2. Use the money instead for a down payment on a house. Then tell them to

go to a court house and get married.

[Kali]

12. pretty much agree with this

hard to present to bride (or some family members) but might be worth a suggestion. or a court/simple wedding ceremony and a decent party after/later to celebrate without all the fucked up parts of planning a one-day event that has so much $$$ expectation associated with it.

There are a shitload of profiteers in the wedding industry that have convinced way too many people they need to have a royal event when the point is really to make a public commitment and then celebrate the start of that new relationship with friends and family. Should not be about expensive costumes and huge wads of $$ being thrown away.

[LiberalEsto]

30. Amen!

I had a very simple wedding in a Unitarian church and a reception in my new mother-in-law's backyard rose garden.

A friend and I prepared all the food - huge bowls of cole slaw, potato salad, macaroni salad, trays of raw vegetables. We made trays of cold cuts, sliced tomatoes, lettuce and fresh rolls. Another friend of mine who had taken a cake-baking class made a wow of a wedding cake, and Dave's brother-in-law bartended with beer, wine, soft drinks, etc. that we supplied. One of Dave's sisters rented tables and chairs for the backyard.

We sat around singing while friends played guitar after the main guests had left.

People said it was one of the most tasteful and nice weddings they had been to.

[SwissTony]

27. I agree with BCalm and Kali.

Simple wedding, nothing flash. Use the money for something useful. House, car, honeymoon.

Our biggest regret was having a biggish wedding. In retrospect, we could have saved that money and used it in many other ways.

[Callalily]

3. Keep it small and keep it simple.

Invite only those nearest and dearest to the couple.

And not everyone takes photos beforehand, so the couple should decide what THEY want to do, not what appears to be new traditions.

Just my two cents.

[B Calm]

4. My daughter-in-law had to have an ice sculptor of all damn things.

The wedding was ridiculous and huge. What a waste of money!!

[TexasTowelie]

26. This is the winner.

There is no requirement to take out a second mortgage. Consider having a candlelight wedding to save money on floral arrangements. Keep the number of bridesmaids and groomsmen to a minimum. The ceremony should be display of love rather than ostentatious. Keep in mind that if you throw a big bash and people are drinking, the guests aren't going to remember much about the ceremony or reception afterwards.

The weddings for my sisters were relatively inexpensive because my father was a part-time Southern Baptist minister which meant that there was no dancing or drinking after the ceremony. It saves a bundle not having to finance a band or booze.

The sister that had the largest wedding had to pay most of the costs because my parents were frugal and said no. Set a reasonable budget for the bride--if she wants more then it her responsibility to finance the event.

In Cajun country, there is also the tradition where the guests have to pin money to the bride's dress to dance with her. I don't know where you live or if that tradition would be considered tacky, but I thought it would be worth mentioning as a way to defray the costs.

[Paulie]

5. A wedding at sea married by the Captain worked out great

Kept the wedding party to 8 and cots were lower. Princess now can stream the actual wedding but back when we did it the camera could only send snap shots every minute. Still was a great time and everything was taken care of.

http://www.cruisecritic.com/articles.cfm?ID=4

[DebJ]

6. The most important thing to avoid is a bride so preoccupied and nervous

about it that she doesn't enjoy the day. It happens. Happened to me at my first
wedding, where my mother-in-law was very concerned with proper protocols and the like.

Second wedding, the HAPPY one, was just close friends and family in a park under a gazebo.
Cost less than $1000, (sister bought my dress for me) no debt, no bills, more smiles.
No phoniness or keeping up appearances. Just love all around.

[elleng]

10. OH DebJ, THAT sounds like JUST the right thing, your 2d wedding!

[femmocrat]

7. Try not to get yourself worked up.

I was ready to "divorce" my future DIL about 6 months BEFORE the wedding! I kept telling myself.... it is only one day..... it is only one day....

I had started saving money for them as soon as they got engaged, so the bills weren't a total shock. It was still a huge extravagance, IMO, and the money could have been spent more wisely. But then, I was only the mother of the groom.

[elleng]

9. WITH you, femmocrat,

and was 'only mother of the bride!'

[elleng]

8. My daughter's was just 2 years ago,

and fortunately I wasn't as closely involved with the planning as were others.

I don't think they did 'first look' pictures.

We had a 'rehearsal dinner' which clearly wasn't related to rehearsing anything; just got everyone together before the big event.

My suggestion: If you're interested or concerned, keep an eye on the spending. Ours went way over what I would have wanted, but as husband (her father,) daughter, and grooms parents were closely involved, I had little to say. AND was much more of a production than suits my taste, but hey, who was I, just the Mother of the Bride!

And don't be concerned if, after having chosen a gown, she decides she doesn't like it. Quite common to buy 2 wedding gowns! (much to my surprise!)

BEST of luck!

[mnhtnbb]

24. Two wedding gowns. True. My brother (father of the bride) had to pony up for a second

dress last summer when his daughter called, about a month before the August wedding, in tears
because she couldn't get the dress she didn't buy out of her mind!

I'm in favor of keep it simple. I was married--twice--neither one a big wedding.
No fancy wedding dress.

[hedgehog]

11. Ask her to think very carefully what she really wants to do on her wedding day -

to put it bluntly - star in her own extravaganza or celebrate with friends and family.

Here's what my daughter did -

Her grandmother, an expert seamstress, made her dress. She wore my veil, also made by my mother.

The men in the bridal party wore tuxedos, the women wore Renaissance themed dresses - all different and all very attractive, because everyone came up with what they looked good in, including the very pregnant SIL! One sister even dressed as a woodland fairy!

Her husband is from a very large extended family, some members of which like to drink at parties.

She rented a campground with a pavilion.

Dinner was a buffet catered by a an outfit that does pig roasts and was served in two large tents.

She hired a bar tender, but her brother also served some home brew beer out of the back of his truck.

A DJ played so we could dance in the pavilion, while older relatives chatted and played cards in the tent.

At the end of the night, some people went home and some crashed in campers and tents.

Her father and grandmother (veterans of many church pancake breakfasts) served the survivors a leisurely breakfast the next morning.

[marzipanni]

16. That sounds like a fun and memorable celebration of marriage!

Last edited Mon Aug 19, 2013, 08:45 PM - Edit history (1)

I wish I could see pictures of the Renaissance and woodland fairy bride's attendants.

When people ask what to give young people for a birthday or other present, I always suggest an event; a play, concert, dinner at a fancy restaurant, ride on a boat or train, or something else they might not have done before but that would be interesting, fun, and bring a smile when they recall it later.

[GreenPartyVoter]

13. If you are going to put money anywhere, put it in the photographer and videographer. My pics didn't

all turn out as well as we had hoped.

Also, think about what style of wedding she wants, and how she can cut some corners without losing style.

*Me, I went with a country Victorian theme, and tried to save my bridesmaids and flower girls money by buying them patterns and cloth for their outfits and mailing it to them.
*My dress was beautiful, and I was fortunate that my great Aunt wanted to buy it for me. It was under $500, though. Not one of those $10K+ deals.
*FIL married us at no charge. LOL
*Family friend played the organ at no charge.
*A local woman gave us a half-price deal on our wedding cake because we grew up with her kids.
*I didn't choose the most exotic and expensive flowers, and we knew the florist.
*We had Mom's school cooks do the catering very inexpensively, and they did a gorgeous job. We had a garden party reception, so avoided paying for meals for the guests. Finger foods and punch only. NO dancing, so no pro DJ. Just a kid with a great stereo system playing classical music from the balcony while everyone mingled.
*We found a recently purchased B&B and rented the place for a song for the reception because it wasn't an established venue yet.
*I had a friend run a babysitting service for a very reasonable cost for kids under 12 right nearby at another church, since the owner of the B&B was nervous about little ones around her antiques.

The rehearsal dinner for us was about feeding and visiting with distant family and friends who came up early for the wedding. It was just potluck in the basement of hubby's family's church. I went to a friend's wedding where the whole reception was potluck.

Yes, a wedding should be a lovely, memorable event, but I disagree with going massively into debt for it.

(Some pics of our wedding: http://www.democraticunderground.com/1018426571 )

[hedgehog]

18. My son's rehearsal dinner was pizza and wings in the church basement,

with make your own sundaes with 10 flavors of ice cream for dessert! We all had a grand time!

[GreenPartyVoter]

20. Yeah, sooooo much easier and comfier than

a fancy schmancy restaurant.

[tjwmason]

14. The bigger the wedding the smaller the marriage

A Priest I know always puts it that way, so I'd second those who suggest keeping things simple.

[calikid]

15. I photographed weddings for almost thirty years

Most of the suggestions here are great.
My wife and I offered our daughter 10k for a down payment on a house instead of a big wedding over 10 years ago, she declined and opted for the big one, and we did it very inexpensively. It was less than one year later that she wished she had accepted our deal.
There are NO laws that say you have to do something a certain way, the way you want it is the way it should be, that makes it more yours or theirs, not some kookie cutter affair.
As for the pre ceremony pics, I'm all for them for several reasons. First is that usually the Bride and most of the womens hair and make up is in good shape, after the ceremony there's lots of tears and emotions are running high, people are more relaxed before and you can gather and corral them easier. Second, when you do photos after the ceremony, people have to wait for you, wouldn't you rather enjoy every ones company? Third, the idea that the Groom shouldn't see the bride before the ceremony came from a time when marriages were arranged and the Bride was scared that the groom may not likes what he sees.
One of my favorite weddings were second marriages, where the B&G's were a little older and didn't care about all the hullabalew, they only wanted, needed their close friends and family around. Also where family helped by doing the cooking, set up, service etc.
On the subject of photos, I've found that very few of my couples did anything with big packages, maybe being able to talk the photographer into selling you a cd of the photos might save some $.
Gotta run, I'll be back with some more thoughts.
Good Luck.

[Arugula Latte]

17. The main thing is not to fall victim of the Bridal Industrial Complex.

You don't need to spend a fortune to have a great wedding. Just completely jettison the idea of "well, we have to do X this way because that's how it's done for weddings." Nope. Not so. Make your own rules for a wedding.

For example, I got my dress for $200 at a consignment shop. Everyone loved it.

[trof]

19. "How to Plan the Perfect Wedding"

Small paperback.
You can probably find it on Amazon or maybe even at your library.
We used that as a guideline for our daughter's wedding and it was invaluable.

FYI - The groom and/or his family traditionally foots the bill for the rehearsal dinner.
In addition to the wedding party, out of town guests from a long distance away are usually invited.

[orleans]

22. my library has a book called

"Bridal guide magazine's how to plan the perfect wedding ... without going broke"

looks like it was published in 2003, 374 pages. is this a different book from the one you're talking about? i can search for it on worldcat.org--do you know about when it came out? thanks.

[diabeticman]

21. LISTEN TO YOUR DAUGHTER!!! This is HER AND HER HUSBAND'S WANTS!!! My wife's mother

Planned the wedding SHE wanted Not what my wife wanted. YEAH it was a nice day BUT my wife looks back on that day as HER mother's BIG day NOT Her and I special day.


She wanted a simple small ceremony at sunset NOt the HUGE church wedding her mother pushed us into.

[davidpdx]

23. I would suggest sitting down with

your daughter, her fiancée and the soon to be in-laws and discuss the wedding. In this day and age there is no reason why the bride's family should shoulder all the cost. It is more than reasonable to have the cost divided between both families and the couple in three parts. This should help keep the costs associated with the wedding down.

Look for alternative sites. In Portland for instance you can go on the parks website and it will list places that can be rented for weddings. My first wedding was here:

http://www.portlandoregon.gov/parks/finder/index.cfm?action=ViewPark&PropertyID=226

Here are some pictures:





It kind of has a rustic feel.

So I would suggest that the bride and groom be flexible on the location and also keep in mind that places book up fast, especially for spring and summer weddings.

I hope that helps.

[mnhtnbb]

25. Different venues is a great idea. My niece was married at the Brookfield Zoo in Chicago last year.

Gorgeous evening outdoors in front of the pond.

[davidpdx]

28. That is nice and the weather cooperated too

Those outdoor weddings are sort of a gamble in my opinion because you never know if mother nature is going to cooperate.

Was this on a day where the zoo was closed or do they have a private area for these kinds of events?

[mnhtnbb]

33. No the zoo was open...but the wedding was at 6 PM as it was closing. Cocktail hour

was in a jungle exhibit and the dinner in another building.

I think they had a fall back location (inside) in case of rain. Don't remember what it was, though.

[davidpdx]

34. It's nice that it came together

We could have had ours outdoor in the area in the picture I posted, but an outdoor wedding in April in Oregon would have been really risky. My second wedding was at a banquet hall and we only paid maybe for 10% because the wedding guests chip in 50,000 ($50) each for gifts.

[orleans]

32. my daughter went there last year for her friend's wedding

her friend got married in front of the dolphins!

[IrishEyes]

29. Weddings are fun to plan

But you can get carried away. I would recommend a small guest list. It saves a lot of money and makes for a more fun wedding. There are lots of books, magazines and websites to find ideas. I like the website www.offbeatbride.com.
There are a lot of great ideas on it. Congratulations to your daughter and her fiancee.

[BensMom]

31. We had a $$ limit

We shared with the couple what we were able to spend up front. Little things really ad up, so we wanted to be clear on our budget.

We had the rehearsal dinner at a local park. The deli delivered fried chicken, veggies, chips and ice cream. It was very relaxed, children attending could be at the nearby playground, and we all tossed frisbees and played catch after the meal, a couple people brought their guitars. It was a very nice evening!